Spacing/ zoning/ forgetfulness

[Pixelpixiestick]

So, I'm curious if this is an emotional flashback. I'll be in the middle of a conversation, something will trigger me into something that happened/ was said, and I'm gone in that flashback, but as soon as something draws my attention back to the real world, I'm just emotionally numb and completely disinterested in the subject at hand. 

[schrödinger's cat]

One thing that might help you decide is how precisely the EF makes you feel. Apparently, EFs put us back in the mindset we had back then, when the initial trauma occurred. Pete Walker for example talks about EFs feeling like they'll never end, like this is all there is and all there ever will be. He explains this by saying that this is how kids see the world. They're so immersed in the present that it's very hard for them to imagine things ever changing. So any feeling that "this is the real truth now, this is what the world is truly like, it will never change, this will never end" could already be a flashback to how you saw the world way back when.

Another way we get tossed back into this childlike mindset of our younger self is, we feel helpless, little, fragile, small, insecure, powerless, overwhelmed. So if you suddenly feel that way, that too might be a sign of an EF.

Lastly, quite often, EFs launch you into your favourite 4F defense (Fight/Flight/Fawn/Freeze). So if you dissociate and then feel numb, that might also be a clear sign.

My EFs are limited to feelings and thoughts, so I'm still aware of what's going on around me, but I interpret it differently. (So instead of thinking "I'm feeling self-conscious, but then again who doesn't", I think "why on earth am I inflicting myself upon innocent bystanders? I should take pity on them and leave".) But yes - numb and disinterested, that rings a bell. Passive. I'm aware of what's going on, but things just wash over me. When things were really bad, I even got this thousand-yard stare where your eyes go wide and you focus on nothing in particular. It's actually rather pleasant, very "OM", but it probably looks weird...

[Pixelpixiestick]

Thanks guys, I guess you're right. My state of emotional numbness may be a flashback in itself. I sometimes feel as though I've been caught too in the middle of a conversation. That whomever I'm talking to knows my mind just fled the premises and returned not fully obtaining every detail. I start to feel extreme guilty, like there's a spotlight on me, and I'm being interrogated. The person's eyes usually catch me off guard when I tune back in, and it's sometimes (mostly) difficult to keep contact with anyone. I feel like I'm being pushed up against a wall, and I have to look down or be distracted to not draw attention to myself. My mom didn't handle eye contact well though. My father and I both agreed that she gets this look when all sanity is gone and there's nothing but pure fury. She looks like a stray dog, the one you aren't supposed to challenge with a stare, because he has that look, like he's going to bite.

Back to the zoning thing. I sometimes hear, but do not process the words that were spoken to me until a few moments later. It's almost as if I have to mentally repeat them to myself to comprehend what was just stated. I usually can recall the words, but not the meaning until later. It's weird. I usually have a million thoughts bobbling around in my mind at any given time anyways.

[Pixelpixiestick]

Also. Question.

If I smoke a camel menthol in the cold (which is something I did during a traumatic time) and I suddenly begin to have intense fear and shortness of breath as though my chest is closing (without visualizing the past trauma, but experiencing the exact emotion I felt during that time).. That's an Ef?

[schrödinger's cat]

Uhm. Could be? I mean, you get physical symptoms plus an emotion, and it echoes your initial trauma... sounds likely. Do you have a therapist who can tell you more?

[Pixelpixiestick]

Unfortunately therapy is relatively expensive, and it's not in the cards.

[alovelycreature]

This happens to me a lot too. Sometimes I'm positive that it is an EF, and other times I think I'm just a space cadet (I have memory/attention problems). I've started practicing being more mindful and actively listening to others when they are talking. Usually what I think to myself is, "I notice that triggered me. Right now I am giving this person my attention and when I get home later I will take the time to tend to this." Then I usually journal about it later.

The worst is when you start to dissociate though. I don't know about you, but when I dissociate I start to become really apathetic and am not very responsive and probably come across as a jerk when I'm talking to people.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sucks. I hope you can find something that works for you.