My Triggers Are Weird

[Delmo1232]

Hey guys. So I have this new job and I really like it. Only thing is, it's downtown which is where my ex took me out for my birthday last year.

First of all, when people start talking about their exes I start tuning them out so I won't blame you for stopping here lol. But I think that's why all these feelings won't stop pouring out because I refuse to take them seriously. I know that it is pointless to waste a second of your life thinking about someone who wants nothing to do with you, but the way I feel totally contradicts that.

It's so stupid that I'm forced to remember one night of my life over and over again until the time I've spent remembering the night outweighs the time spent in the actual event. Tonight I walked out and immediately drew my eye to someone walking down the street with my exes same body shape. That's all it took to see myself in his arm again. Walking together, wondering how I got so lucky, being close to him and feeling his affection towards me.

And then in a second I was back, and the world was bleak and grey. I had to remember how to breathe as all the "'normal" people walked past me just living their lives. I always thought A trigger would remind you of something awful but now that I actually have them, I find that my worst ones are really the ones that remind me of happy memories. Memories of people I know I'll probably never see again, people who don't see me the same way they did then and never will.

It gets really exhausting living my life around other people's actions, but I hope getting this out will help me with that, as well as someone else possibly.

[sanmagic7]

i hear you!  seeing someone's name, picture, hearing a phrase - i can be triggered back to both a pos. or a neg. place.  either way, it's painful in a way.  i miss the pos., i hate the neg.  sometimes it feels like i can't win for losing.   take care of you.

[abcdefghijohnnyz]

I hear you and relate to your post, especially the part about C-PTSD forcing you to experience something for far more time than the experience itself actually took! And body type being a trigger, absolutely.

Remembering the happy memories is also super awful and confusing, and I can relate to it as well. For me, it was something that partially went away with time, as I realized that the awfulness of my exes outweighed our happy times. But I also have allowed myself to look back and smile about some of the funny and happy moments that happened with my abusers. I mean, they weren't openly awful all the time-- that's why we were with them, right?

Finally, I just wanna say that "weird" triggers are actually normal, in my experience. I used to be triggered by tie-dye, because one of my exes had a penchant for it! I've met people who are triggered by overripe bananas, balloons, and all other types of weirdly specific things.