I am new here and here is a bit of my story

[In a bubble]

Hi I am new to this forum
I am married and my husband has severe ptsd.....which is official. This is from combat action.
He already was suffering from this when I met him but he didn't tell me about this.
Before this I was in a relationship where I know see the guy was a narcissist. Or at least very much on the spectrum. He discarded me overnight. There was no warning and this caused severe trauma and confusion to me which lasted many years. So basically I was easy pickings for my husband.
Anyway things between us for the first six months was quite good. In fact they were lovely. Then out of the blue he suddenly turned on me. I still remember the night it happened. I was totally dumbfounded by it. After that I broke up with him three times and after some week he came back saying he was sorry and would change. And this has basically set the scene of our relationship.
He periodically blows up. And like an alcoholic says he is sorry and will try to be better.
He is much older than me as well.
Anyway some years back he became much worse in his behaviour towards me. We are talking five years now. To the point I lived in my bedroom while at home. We have separate bedrooms for the last ten years. He behaviour had been very irrational. Also he has caused me huge amounts of worry due to his irreponsible actions in financial situations. I had in the past tired t talk to him about this but he tells me it is none of my business. But as these things do involve me it was my business. Fortuanlety, due to things catching up with him, these issues have now been resolved. But it had caused me untold worry before this.
Not long after this his health took a sudden downturn. To the point now he is an invalid and needs constant care. So I have a lot on my plate. During this time I met someone who I really fell for.
I know how bad this might sound but there is only so much coldness one can take. And I really thought this guys was my soul mate. Turned out he was a narcsciisst and really broke my heart. To the point I haven't fully recovered from it.
Anyway last year I had an incredibly heavy work load. And by the end of the year I thought I would be ok once I had a bit of a break. But it has now been some months and I am still feeling not well. What this exactly means is I feel overwhelmed by almost everything. I hardly want to see or speak to anyone anymore. I want to be alone most the time. And my favourite thing  to do is to sleep.
I know before I was presenting with cptsd....but it wasn't as bad as this.
To me it seems that my husband behaviour in the last few years......which has been so abusive and off the chart.....coupled with my utter confusion with the narc has left me in a very bad state.
I would leave my husband but there is two things against it. I simply can't take anymore stress.....even with the promise tha eventually things might get better. Also he health is so bad at Mother Nature will just do her part at some stage. Also his behaviour isn't quite so bad anymore due to his health. He sleeps most of the day and night.
I guess what I am left with is just not feeling very well myself both emotionally and psychologically.
So I a now taking steps to see what I can do about it.
Would appreciate any advice or insights into this.

[sanmagic7]

hi, in a bubble,

it really sounds like you need a break.  and, no shame, no blame, no judgments here.  i've been in your shoes - sometimes we just do what we need to do.  it may not always be the 'correct' choice, but it's the best we can do in the moment.

do you have a therapist you can speak to?  you've been through so much, so many levels of trauma.   it's no wonder you're not feeling so good about yourself.  this stuff takes such a toll on our bodies and minds.  it makes it hard to think, know, feel, even move at times.

do you get out of the house enough?  take some breaks, do something you like, just to get away from it all for a couple of hours (you don't say anything about having an outside job).  i understand about the sleeping part - when we get that overwhelmed, it's like we don't have any energy for anything else.   

whatever you choose, or not, we're still here for you.  hoping that things begin to feel better for you, that you can get some relief.  one little saying that's helped me during these times is 'this, too, shall pass'.  it's given me hope that there will be an end.  until then, do what you can for yourself, take care of you - you're worth it.   big hug.