Help please to aid my expression

Started by Boatsetsailrose, February 03, 2017, 11:04:26 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Boatsetsailrose

Hi
So I now have an appointment with the psychiatrist in 3 wks ...
The problem I am having is that I find it so difficult to put into words what I experience ..
When I say it it just seems like 'well that's just anxiety.
But then remember how disabling times are and think it's so much more but how do I say it that's my dilemma ?

I read about flashbacks and emotional triggers , disassociation and I read people's posts of course but still
I am struggling

Would people be able to share with me what goes on 'inside of them' in the hope that it may help me to put my own experience into words ..

I've started to write stuff down not in a technical way ( I think that's part of the problem I'm trying to make it sound psychiatric when just keeping it real and simple would be best ..

For example today I've been feeling reasonably calm 4/10. I then went to do some body work with new therapist and I spoke about a very difficult time when I was a teenager .. since the session I am hyperventilating, stomach churning and mind racing the thought over and over again about what happened / the image flashing in my mind
so this is being triggered right ? An emotional flashback ...
Many times when I go into this I can pinpoint the situation / person but I can't relate what it relates to in the past -
disassociation I still can't really relate to my experiences - I mean I zone out a lot around people esp loud people and crowds - I feel small and scared - my mind ruminates on a lot regarding their bad points ( real or imagined prob to get them away from me )
I spend more than the average person alone as it's easier

If anyone can help me make sense of what we experience and how to put it into words. I order I can feel more confident about going to the psychiatrist I'd really appreciate it ..



joyful

Hi Boatsetsailrose
I struggle with recognizing when i'm triggered/flashback-ed to, but I want to try to put it into words.
I feel kind of like I have different types of flashbacks if that makes sense. Sometimes they make me so wound up I can't sit still or stop moving, but sometimes they slow me completely down and I can't get off my bed.
Usually when I'm flashback-ed I feel like I am very detached from my body. Like I feel clumsy or like I weigh a million pounds or am taking up too much space. Especially the last one.
I also get more visual flashbacks, like you said the image flashing in my mind. Lots of times I'm scared to close my eyes because of the images I'll see. I only recently realized that these were flashbacks, not things i was imagining.
I don't know if this makes any sense of if i'm doing any good here.
the way you described yours made a lot of sense to me. I think i have a similar experience. I'm trying to make a list of triggers (things that bring up the images or things that bring intense fear or panic) or things that make me uncomfortable or i just don't like. it's helping me to be more aware of them.
For example, a little bit ago I was eating lunch in the food court at my university and the guy behind the counter YELLED my name SO loud. and i was about to cry. he obviously wasn't angry with me at all, i was flashing back to all the other times my name was yelled like that.
This feels really ramble-y. Sorry about the long post that maybe doesn't make any sense.
Good luck at your psychiatrist appointment. Hopefully someone else is more helpful than me!
:hug: 

sanmagic7

hey, bssr,

i think writing down all these things is such a wonderful idea.  just let them flow, fill the pages with whatever comes to your mind.  then, maybe, you can go back and make a clear list of pertinent points that refer to you and your experiences. 

this stuff is so personal, so individual.  when i get triggered, i just want to avoid.  i'll see a name, and i immediately think of the pain caused by that person, and i wish it hadn't been in the book i'd been reading, or said on the show i'd been watching.  i feel an uncomfortable disturbance within me, but have a hard time pinpointing exactly where it is or what it means.  places, situations, experiences all do the same thing to me.  i don't know how to explain it, either.

best to you with this, as always.  i hope it goes well with your shrink.  do the best you can - it'll work out.  big hug.

Eyessoblue

Hi glad to hear you have an appointment. I think the psychiatrist will know exactly what you mean with the words you use, I told mine last week that I disassociate and he threw back examples to me and I said yes or no or was able to elaborate on it. I also said some days I feel like I can cope and others I can't he said every moment of not coping there would be some kind of 'trigger' I was slightly stuck but once we talked about various things I realised that everything I said had a trigger to it. They are obviously highly experienced in their work and I learnt more about myself in that hour then I ever had, how things add up and feelings escalate etc which was a real eye opener, I said I had panic attacks and he asked me lots such as do you get pains in your chest do you feel you can't breathe etc most of my answers were yes and no and he did most of the talking. Before I went in I kept thinking suppose he doesn't believe me, suppose he thinks I'm making it up etc but I need not have worried and I'm sure it will be the same for you.

sanmagic7

eyessoblue, that is some shrink you had there!  what a keen mind to be able to ask you exactly the correct questions you needed to answer.  i certainly hope there are more of those in everyone's future.

Boatsetsailrose

Me too :)
Thank you for your help and sharing has helped me
I've asked someone to go with me so that's helping my fear ...
I can only be myself on the day hey :)

Eyessoblue

That's ok, let me know how you get on, try not to worry about it too much I think you'll find it will be very straightforward ( easy for me to say now)!

Boatsetsailrose

Hello :)
I had a really good assessment, the consultant was a really kind and gentle man and my precious therapist attended to which was so helpful
I have an official diagnosis of complex
Trauma I feel validated I've been waiting for this for a long time it seems
Am feeling grateful
He was worried about the depression and has changed my medication


Three Roses

I'm always encouraged when I hear someone has had an official diagnosis of CPTSD. Thanks for sharing this,  bssr!

Eyessoblue

Glad to hear your appointment went well, it's funny how a diagnosis makes you feel different isn't it, I kept telling myself it's all in my head and there's nothing wrong with me, my first therapist kept telling me to give myself a break and take a step back and look at everything that's happened in my life etc, when I got my official diagnosis it was a sigh of relief as I realised that I hadn't gone completely mad and the way I feel is normal for my cptsd. What medication has he given you now? The psychiatrist I saw refused to change or increase my medication and told me it was counselling I needed and not medication! I have been having some really anxious days though so not sure I agree with his decision there. Glad it's the outcome you wanted as I know you were worried about the appointment.

Boatsetsailrose

Thank you !
I've gone on to trazedone .. he said to leave ssri now as tried so many
Citalopram has been the best but sedation and brain fog too bad
Going to give it a shot but have reservations as sedation is a feature of this one too but he said not ?
Yes it is really good to be heard and get the diagnosis :)
Thank you for being here
Your welcome three roses

Eyessoblue

It's funny what you say about citalopram as that's what I've been on for the last 13 years now, and my brain fog is horrendous but thought it was just part of cptsd, maybe it is the medication, I questioned it with the psychiatrist and he seemed to think it was part of the condition rather then the medication, an interesting thought tho!

Boatsetsailrose

Hi eyes so blue
It's an interesting debate isn't it ... for me as I've not had experience of being completely clean i.e. When not on meds have used food to numb. I actually don't know fully what my brain is like..
But I do know meds do create brain fog / cognitive problems in me
Psychiatrist said he hadn't heard of any sedation from anyone else but I know I am very sensitive person and feel things strongly
I couldn't wake up this morn on trazadone and have sedation and feel tired ( and this is the start on 50mg the plan is to go up to 150mg). But right now I'm accepting it and giving it a go, anything is better than the dark place I've been in ..

What is your brain fog like ? How does it affect you ( if u don't mind me asking)
For me I get so frustrated that I don't get to use my intelligence as I would like

Eyessoblue

Wow that sounds like a high dose! My brain fog seems that I can't join in on a conversation with people,  I feel like I'm talking about something else to what they are then I go to answer and my brain zones out and I'm standing there thinking what did they just say. Also if I'm asked to do something even something really simple I seem to read too much into it and then confuse myself as to what was asked and end up doing something completely irrelevant then asked, I just feel like I'm completely stupid and incapable of doing or saying anything right, I see people looking at me strangely so I know I've done something or said something wrong then I go into an anxious state trying to remember which makes me a hundred times worse. I sometimes hear people talking but can't grasp what they are saying, or watch their mouths moving but have no idea what the words are like it's a foreign language because my brain is somewhere else, I know that sounds really confusing but it's how I feel. Is that similar to you or do you experience something different?

Boatsetsailrose

I can really relate I do wonder how much is the trauma and how much is meds .. I can't work it out fully
Sometimes I ask myself have I got early onset dementia !
Yes people seem to go very quick in their dialogue their brains run much faster.. I feel in a fog and slow
Memory recall is something I really struggle with ..but then I focus in more and more and like you say 'anxious' and I wonder if I am just over thinking all the time and it makes it worse. I'm constantly thinking 'I'm unintelligent ' it's really distressing to keep thinking this..
Quote 'because my brain is somewhere else' yes !! I feel that too, I wonder how much is the freeze stuff and how much the meds ..
accepting being on medication is really hard for me ..
I'm not taking the trazadone tonight, couldn't function today and have a massive headache - got a Gp appointment on Friday
Also have an assessment with a trauma service tomor .. are u in therapy now eyes so blue ? Have the NHS offered u anything