Went to a movie for self care and got SUPER triggered

[rosemarie]

Since I'm triggered I'll just put a trigger warning here just in case...

So this afternoon I went to see a film as an attempt to do something caring for myself. But I picked the wrong one and ended up bawling the whole way through. I didn't want to leave, I need to cry and release emotions right now so badly. I've just this horrible knot in my chest and gut and it only feels like I can breathe and the pain goes away when I'm crying. So I stayed in the film (called "Lion"). It was about a boy in India who gets lost and separated from his mother and siblings, escapes almost being sexually abused or made a child sex slave (I'm a survivor of rape and incest) and then gets adopted by a family in Tanzania, only to remember later his childhood before and search for his family. I thought it would be a feel good movie, sad and then happy.

What ended up happening was me having a flashback, I know what an emotional flashback is but this was a visual one too so at least I had the frame of reference, I guess. What I remembered was being very little and in my room, and fantasizing that I was adopted and my real parents were somewhere else, like I had been kidnapped, and they really loved me and would have protected me. I had the full emotional memory as well of just how lonely I was and exactly how I felt. And I also remembered being paranoid that men and boys were watching me through my windows and going to come and molest me at any time, because that's what I had learned about what men do at that point (maybe five years old). This also made me feel another level of confirmation that these things really did happen to me because there is always that voice in the back of my head that still doesn't want to accept it despite all the therapy. And I just wept and felt how terrible it was to feel like an orphan, or to wish to be an orphan and know that I wasn't loved or protected. And to feel how scared and helpless I was. And I also realized that I have always felt these things, I've never really stopped feeling scared (more accurately, terrified) of the world around me, like I'm always about to be attacked, or stopped feeling totally alone like there is no one I can really trust.

And I realized that when I'm not dissociated, under the influence of substances (be it recreational or prescribed), numbing with eating disorders, rescuing someone else, etc, I have to feel this horrible constant terror of life. That it has taken a huge toll on my health, that feeling like I'm always about to die. That it has led to all kinds of risky behaviors just to feel something good or otherwise feel nothing at all. And that it has out me in harms way over and over again to be re-victimized. And I'm tired of living like this, where every day is a fight to maintain my faith and hope in life and the will to succeed and live and thrive are often so elusive. And I'm so sad that I've had to go through all of this and that it just keeps happening or my body keeps reacting like it still is. How can I even form a sentence? How did I not completely lose my sanity? How do I stop revisiting the same thing over and over and over again? It feels like I have processed these feelings and memories a hundred times by now. When does it end? Or when am I well enough to be able to support myself and keep myself safe?

[Three Roses]

It makes me sad, too, to think that a little, 5 year old, innocent child had to know those things. It makes me angry, too! You were just small and helpless and should have been protected, not victimized.

I don't know how much longer you'll have to keep revisiting the same memories. But I do know that you're here now, a grown woman with resources and wisdom that the 5 year old didn't have. You're an inspiration to me! You are so brave to keep moving forward, thru all the pain and disappointment. And I believe with all my heart that because of that, you'll find the answers you need. The damage that was done to our brains - not just our minds - can be healed! Here's a hug for you, if you want it. 

[sanmagic7]

i can't tell you how many times i've asked myself the same questions.  it's like 'whack-a-mole' to me - one thing seems to get resolved, another pops up.  i feel so little peace in between times, almost like i know something else is on the horizon.

i have no answers for you, only letting you know you're not alone with these feelings.  they're awful.   how terrible for you to have gone through all that.   hugs to you.

[rosemarie]

Thanks so much for the support, you guys are the best! I want to sat that I've used this site before, earlier last year I was being stalked by a narcissist who found my posts and was using it against me while I was trying to get a restraining order and it was so violating I had to take down my posts cause I couldn't handle him having access to all my most vulnerable info.

Anyways I realized some things about this flashback. I feel like it's actually a very progressive one. The fact, first of all that it wasn't a complete emotional flashback, I was sitting there for awhile just feeling the overwhelming sadness without the memory association but I was able to just let myself cry and keep feeling in instead of 'pushing it away.' I was able to let myself be triggered and keep releasing until I the visual memory came in. I was able to stay in knowing it was a memory/flashback despite the pain and despite being in public and weeping profusely and not having 'control' of it. Not even trying to control it really. And it gave me this great insight and I'm feeling a lot better today: that it released the pain of the emotional flashback I've been in for quite awhile now, probably for about ten days. I also realized that when I have that horrible chest pain and stomach issues (then IBS acts up, which is also because this kind of emotional stress slows down the vegal nerve impulses responsible for the gut-brain connection and digestion), it's a sign that I am IN AN EMOTIONAL FLASHBACK. So what actually happened was I was able to process the emotional flashback into the full memory, self soothe, and integrate the trauma all by myself, and now my whole body feels so much better. I mean after it all happened I really felt a flood of relief. And I feel like I am so good at being my own therapist and I just want to keep taking care of myself. I feel like my inner traumatized child feels safe with me, like she can bring me her pain and I will let her feel it and integrate it and heal. This is great because I haven't been able to find a therapist who will see me and in the past when I'm having these many symptoms I used to go into residential treatment and that's not an option anymore with my current insurance. But I have learned so much and my true goal is to be able to self manage all of this more and more (with support still, of course, but maybe just less 'professional' kind).

[Fightsong]

Just wanna say    . I love the triumph you describe at the way you handled this. I know it was so hard, but see what you wrote, what you did? Well done you.  Also I hate when movies do that. Not just you.  Even cartoons these days that run to some emotional thing. Darn it.

[Contessa]

Oh Rosemarie aren't these movie triggers such a surprise when all we want to do is indulge in some much needed escapism.

I remember having an ef while watching a movie, was completely stunned (at my parents house). I just stood up and walked out, absolutely floored at the buried memory hitting me in the face. Its amazing what our minds can do to us.

Well done for taking ownership and control. A mark of resilience

[rosemarie]

Thanks guys!! I feel so seen and heard and understood and that's so invaluable. Super appreciate it!