Fear of Sleep

[Rain12]

Hello everyone.

I hope I'm posting this in the right board -- this is my first time here so this is all new to me. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD three months ago.

I have a lifelong problem with sleep. As a small child I had a hard time falling asleep. The only way I could fall asleep was by doing a progressive muscle relaxation exercise. My body was always "tense." But somehow I hated doing that excercise and was afraid of the moment of going to sleep, when I'd have to turn off my distraction-daydreams and actually be "here". Because the moment of falling asleep requires being present first. I have many bad memories of waiting for hours for sleep to come, alone in the dark. When I got older, I'd sneak a flashlight in so I could read.

As I got older, I developed the strategy of reading (or later, going online) till I was so tired I would not be able to keep my eyes open anymore. Then I could fall asleep without having to think about it or confront the actual experience of being "present." Of course, this meant I was always tired, never sleeping till the point of exhaustion.

For years, family blamed me for being lazy in the morning and for "choosing to go to bed late." I blamed myself. It wasn't until within the last two years that I realized this wasn't my fault. I still feel very guilty about some parts of it.

This issue is so severe it's taken over my life.

I'm afraid of sleeping. Or maybe I'm afraid of lying down and turning off the light.

In the past year I've figured some things out. I am more ok sleeping with some light in the room (so I'm not reminded of the horrible abandoned times as a child, and so that I don't feel like I'm stuck there with no way out, and so I can see any potential attackers coming). If I can see out a window and have a wall at my back, I feel safer.

But (trigger warning) when I am in bed, I feel hands holding me down and attacking me. I have to curl up to protect the part of my body that was under attack. Sometimes I put a pillow over it (not touching it) so that it's protected from any attacks.

I live alone, so I know no one is really going to touch me. But I'm still afraid of feeling that. So I distract myself endlessly.

I'm so tired. I just want to be able to rest. But I'm afraid to. I need some way of just... making myself a really restful space that I can enjoy, so it can be pleasant instead of feeling like a punishment.

I have no difficulty having naps during the day. But when I try to turn away from my computer or book at night, to breathe and be present, there's a huge wall of fear preventing me.

Do any of you have similar issues? I've been alone with this my entire life.

[Dee]

I could have written this myself.  When I start to drift I feel weight on top of me.

I take sleeping medication.  I like Trazadone because I can take a low dose and it gets me to sleep quickly.  It doesn't prevent me from waking up, but it lessens the agony of lying in bed, staring at the door.  I also take Clonadine.  It helps me stay asleep and I don't remember dreams much.  If I wake up I am back to sleep in a few minutes.

I also have a small, blue light.  I use that for grounding.  If I wake up and find the light I can put the room together.

[Rain12]

I have sleeping meds which do work, but I avoid taking them. Not for any reason I'm conscious of. I guess just fear preventing me. Taking them is saying I'm "going to bed now" and that is something I'm afraid of.

Yeah, I sleep with a bit of light on too for the same reason.

[bring em all in]

Ophelia- I definitely have similar issues. I can sleep better during the day than at night, and it takes me hours at night to fall asleep. One reason is the nightmares I have- I'm afraid to go to sleep. I think another reason is hyper-vigilance-being on guard at all times. Also, dropping off to sleep reminds me of the medical trauma I suffered of numerous surgeries when I was a child- including one time when the anesthetic didn't work right.

Often I will feel very sleepy watching TV in the living room and head off to bed. As soon as I lie down I am wide awake.

So no, you are not alone in this

[sanmagic7]

i've had fears around sleeping for about 40 yrs. now.  they seemed to go away for awhile, but lately i can feel the fear creep back while i'm watching tv before bedtime.   i've explored it somewhat, and it's a fear of not being able to sleep enough, being up at 3 in the a.m. and not being able to go back to sleep, and the pressure to get enough sleep due to some of my medical problems.  i also have sleep meds, use them at different dosages depending how i'm feeling that night, if it's been a stressful day, etc. 

this sleep thing is such a biggie for so many of us.  my hub and i are talking about having separate beds because of the problems encountered when we sleep together.  we really aren't very compatible, and have talked about this several times in the past.  i'm thinking we might have to do this.  last night was horrible!

maybe you'd feel like trying out your meds one night, see how it feels.  do a little meditation or mindful breathing right before you're going to bed to calm you down.  i don't know.  i also sleep much better during the day, and am lucky to have the option to do that.  i hope you can find something that works for you.  not being able to sleep is absolutely the worst, in my opinion.  best to you with this, ophelia.  big hug to you.

[Blueberry]

Yes. Tho my problem is relatively new. Started after severe triggering in a clinic stay. I always sleep with a light on in the room now. I can't fall asleep in the dark. As soon as I put the light out it's like I'm on a complete caffeine buzz, so wide awake. Took some getting used to. I'm a bit of an eco freak. What a waste of energy etc. But I do it now, no guilty feelings.

I also zoom around on the Internet half the night instead of going to bed. So interested to read that others do that too for similar reasons.

[Annarae12]

Omg this is me exactly. I thought i was crazy. Im sorry i hope things have gotten better

[Dee]