Shame

[Rain]

I woke up this morning thinking about the topic of shame.

I was also thinking of what Pete Walker says is core issue which is emotional abandonment.   

I imagine the emotional abandonment causes the shame.

Shame is the rejection of who we are.

[Sandals]

It's horrible, isn't it? And having people, however well-intentioned, who don't get it tell you it's not your fault doesn't seem to help. I get that, rationally. Emotionally, it takes a lot longer to break through.

I've only just started talking to my T about shame. I like her approach, which is to box up the shame and send it back to my mom, because it's her shame to start with.

Where do you feel your shame, Rain? Mine feels like it's through my whole body.

Big hugs to you, thank you for leading this immense topic.

[keepfighting]

Shame is the Rejection of Who We Are.

Shame is the rejection of who we are, not what we did. It hits the very core of our being and makes us want to cringe and hide away.

It's one of the things I can barely think about - let alone talk about - so thank you, Rain, for bringing it up and making me face that it's there; deep inside me, and it shouldn't be.

I like Brene Browns thoughts that the antidote to shame is empathy. Empathy has the power to make the feelings of shame disappear.

Thankfully, there is a lot of empathy here on this forum so we can help each other dealing with our feelings of shame - and stop our desire to  shrink and hide away.

[alovelycreature]

In the Dr. Brown book I'm reading, she said to a few things when you are feeling vulnerable or a sense of shame. Her mantra was, "I am enough," especially when some of us struggle with perfection and never feeling good enough. "I am enough," can take years to understand. It's part of the journey. I think that's why finding gratitude can help us.

She says say out loud, "I feel vulnerable about/because of ______, and I express gratitude for _____." Maybe one for me personally today would be, "I feel vulnerable because of being around family on T-day. I express gratitude for being able to spend time with my sister." It's important to acknowledge our fear or shame, but also finding the positive can help our self-love.

To rid shame we need feel connected to others by sharing our vulnerability. I have been thinking about sitting down with my partner and just sharing a list with him about everything I feel shameful about and see how that changes my feelings. Even just writing it down helps.

I remember when I first started mulling over shame a few years ago I felt really raw, because like you said it was shame is, "I'm bad," as opposed to, "They treated me bad."

Know that you are not bad. Know that you are enough. Know that what happened to you isn't who you are. You chose who you are. You are choosing the path of self-love. There is nothing shameful about that. 

Also, don't beat yourself up over being positive. Sometimes being in a dark place helps us see the light in a different way, so we can come out of the darkness. Maybe the inner critic needs love?

[Rain]

Hugs back to you, Sandals.   Thanks for posting ...this is a tough topic for anyone of us to post on.   A bit like Dr. Brown, I guess, stepping onto the TED stage.   (I love her talks!)

[alovelycreature]

Here's Brene Brown's website and also an article on who NOT to share your shame story with:

http://brenebrown.com/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/20/brene-brown-shame_n_4282679.html

I downloaded this app on my computer and iphone called Day One. It's a journal that I can do while I'm out or while I'm at home. So if I have a thought I can put it in my phone for later. It's password protected and everything. I can also look at it from anywhere also. If someone broke into it I'm sure they would think I'm crazy 

[Rain]

Thanks for the two web links!   I found the video page ...you know what I will be watching!!   She's a treat!

Is her book as readable as her talks are enjoyable?

[alovelycreature]

Rain, her books are so much more in depth than her talks. I'm so glad I'm reading it. She also talks about common areas of shame for women/men. It has provided me so much insight into my vulnerability and shame, and ways to be more "whole hearted," which she uses to describe people who have high shame tolerance. All her work is based on her research, and not her opinion. She'll talk about how her research helped her to make it relatable and give examples, but I find myself now practicing her techniques. I think her work really helps deal with the inner critic.

I don't journal daily. I do sometimes. Sometimes I do it once a week. I should do it every day, but sometimes I get lazy. Day One gives you daily recommendations  (and reminders I ignore) for what to write about if you're stuck. Like, "What lessons have you learned from your relationships?" Or, "Who was your best childhood friend and why?" It gets you started. Usually when I write I have something to say or get off my chest. If I have an EF or a night terror I will journal about it.

Journaling has many positive benefits. The have shown that people who journal 20 minutes a day for at least three months start to change their thought pattern. It's like free therapy. Pretty much you end up talking yourself into a "ah-ha!" moment, or your language regarding something you journal about over time will change (which may change your perception). I find that to be very true. There are more expensive journals that will track the changes in your language, words, etc, but they are like $150, but a pencil and paper or Word can be just as effective. One Note was I think $10 for my computer and $3-5 for my phone? I just like the program because it's locked and no one knows I use it.

The hardest part is getting started. I'm one of those people who if I buy something then I will use it or I will feel guilty wasting money (maybe the good part of the inner critic? lol). When I read books they usually trigger me to write too. Like yesterday I journaled about things that make me feel vulnerable. I just made a list.

Most trauma therapy is learning self soothing techniques, exposure therapy, and sharing your story. Telling your story to anyone can be traumatizing. Thinking about it can be traumatizing. If you are able to be "here and now" when thinking about triggers, memories, etc, then exposure/telling your story helps you process what happened. Your emotions (reptilian brain/limbic system) don't have words. They are feelings. When you take your feelings and write about them you are running them through your frontal cortex (words, language, etc). When you can turn your emotions into words (your story) you can express yourself to others--connection. Expressing your emotions is healing. It reduces stress, it reduces shame, and it increases your sense of self and confidence. You become self-aware of your experience in a way that is healing. You can watch yourself change over time.

I started journaling in middle school. I burned a ton of my journals when I was in college because I felt they were "negative" and brought up parts of myself I didn't want to remember or acknowledge. I regret it now, but thankfully still have some journals. When I go back and read them I can see how much I've changed and grown. To me, it is my truth. I think after a childhood of lies, manipulation, and deception being able to read the "truth" validates my experience. Even journals I've written more recently.

Hope that helps! Maybe just sit down and write and see how it feels. It can be scary. What's going to come out? Maybe writing about why it's scary or procrastination can help the block. I think as children, we were taught to shut up and not speak the truth. Or that our abusers truth was our reality. Having your own truth and reality can be scary when you've been forced to live in someone else's. Don't question what you write. Just do it. Your story is there and it's waiting to come out. 

[Rain]

Wow, wow, wow ....what a post, Lovely!!!   Thank you so very much!!!!

This is such a gift you've given me of ideas, information, and what to purchase!!

[Badmemories]

Bheart wrote:

Sometimes it takes me longer then some to 'get it' and it helps me to see a whole picture.  Honestly, I would have never thought I rejected who I am.  But I have found this year that there is so much crap entwined from my childhood, effecting everything about me,  that I have no idea who 'I' really am.   

  I think I am slow to get it also. that is why sometimes I reframe the writings of others to GET it. My ADD for lack of a better word makes it hard for me to concentrate. Rewriting it kind of sets it into MY BRAIN better. To rewrite it I have to really think about it!

Rain wrote: And, the journaling ...I knew it was helpful in our healing Journey, but you have the details why!   I wonder if forum writing is just as helpful.    .

I do think writing and posting on here and out of the fog does help me! I like to write. I think that is the way I express Myself. For some it is ART, music, etc. but for me it is writing! When I was in college I learned to write (writing 101) and I always got good grades in writing. I have such a vast level of experiences to write about!  . I am surprised that there are many of Us can write so well on these boards. I hope that because WE all like to write that it does no scare others away that find it hard to express themselves by writing!

I to wished I had the writings that I wrote in My twenties. I did not journal per se but I did do a lot of bible studies and wrote My feelings on those.Like You I sure wish that I had some of them to read and see where I was then. I have been afraid to write in a journal because of My unpdh...I would be appalled if he read them and then found something to use as ammunition  against me. 

The spot where I decided to write and start journaling,which has not happened yet, Is some of the posts on the Inner Child. I think It was Kizzie,but not sure of that that wrote about writing with the left hand to get deeper into the wounds of the Inner child. Pammy Sue really liked a journal that her Grand daughter got from Her father! It was a frozen journal that had lights on it.. a little spendy for a few sheets of paper but She has suffered so much that I thought she need something shiney and new. So I splurged and bought it for her. When It comes I am going to let her express herself.

Keep on Keeping on! 

[keepfighting]

I like Brene Browns thoughts that the antidote to shame is empathy. Empathy has the power to make the feelings of shame disappear.

keepfighting, where is this?   In her book, youtube?   I would love to look at it now to get this further sunk into me.   

In this TED talk: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?#t-1204028

Around the 14 minute mark, she starts explaining about shame - also very interesting to note the gender differences in experiencing shame - and around 18:57 minutes she starts explaining how empathy is the antidote to shame.

I love listening to TED talks when I am feeling low - so many ideas, so many people and all of them trying to help us build a better world. There are a lot of good people out there and it's inspiring to hear them talk. 

[Rain]

MOST awesome, keepfighting!!!  Thank you for the link and even where she discusses this.  Wow.

And, a big smile ....your idea is just what I need ...listen to TEDtalks when I need to feel better about the world.

There ARE good people out there, very good, loving people.

Time to sift through, and find them in our lives!    Let go of the hurtful people.

Thanks again, keepfighting!!

[zazu]

If I can ask a question...

I've read so much about denying shame, avoiding shame, etc. and how many problems come of it. But I can't seem to understand. I live with my shame daily, it swallows me up in waves. I can't avoid it. Guilt, too, and a feeling of dread at being "in trouble" for reasons I don't understand and can't predict. I would even say it's crippling. There are a lot of ordinary things I am afraid to do because the waves of shame and guilt flatten me. I can't even leave the house most days.

So, I don't feel I'm denying my shame - it's with me at every moment. Distracting myself or avoiding it is not really an option, since it won't let me go anyway. Talking about it is no problem for me, I'll discuss my shame with anyone - after all, it's the dominant part of who I am. (Not that talking about it brings relief in any way.)

So as much as I enjoy Brene Brown's talks, and I do understand what she's saying....I just can't figure out how it would apply to me. John Bradshaw as well, and pretty much anything else I've read about shame. I'm not in denial or avoiding, but it doesn't help me deal with the pain of it.

I feel like I'm missing something that everyone else seems to understand?

[zazu]

Thanks Rain. 

I'm understanding a bit about not wanting to be seen (though I seem to take this literally and hide myself away!) My shame is so raw, so on the surface it's hard to deal with anyone laying eyes on me! But I have a terrible time trying to put on a facade or to hide my feelings. Everything shows in my face and posture, there's no point in hiding it...

Just wanting to clarify: are you saying that breaking the denial is recognizing that some of this shame should not have belonged to me? I realized not long ago that I have a great deal of "carried" shame, that is, shame that should have belonged to my FOO that was projected on to me. Or rather, into me. Of course, knowing that and feeling the truth of it are worlds apart. 

At this point in time, all this shame feels as if it should be my own. That trying to send it away or give it back to my mother (who is about as shameless as they come) is just trying to remove the blame from myself and not taking responsibility.

Though taking all this "responsibility" has not done a bit of good and just leaves me in panic/freeze mode and unable to help myself or anyone else. Sigh.

Does anyone else's shame seem detached from actual events? For example, if you ask yourself what's causing the feelings of shame, you can't find a reason, or any event that may link back to it? My shame feels free-floating...often like my anxiety does. I suspect this resides in the Inner Child, who didn't have the cognitive ability to figure out what was going on, not the adult self who can figure it out.
...
Well, I was about to close there, but something else springs to mind - maybe it's important.
During the worst of anxiety attacks, I'd try to think of the reason for the fear. All that would come to mind was "I'm afraid of the truth!" I'd feel that when I leaned the "truth" I'd break into a thousand pieces. This was puzzling, as I rarely shy away from the negative qualities in myself, my failures and humiliations.  And what other "truth" would be so terrifying? The feeling did seem to relate to shame. It wasn't until last year that my husband pointed out something that was incredibly obvious to anyone else but never occurred to me...

With my mother, a person is always going to be "in trouble" for something. There is going to be a rage, and it's going to be terrible. You know it's coming, but you don't know why and don't know when. Only when the outburst comes does the victim know what they did. So it's like waiting to find out what you did wrong. Waiting for the "truth". When it happened to me I'd be in despair, and think "if only I hadn't done this or that" that made her so angry. Sometimes the "this or that" was so vague or small that it would be nonsensical, but the guilt and shame overwhelmed anyway.

Okay, what my husband pointed out, after a few months of being around her, was that my mother wasn't actually angry about the thing she raged over. She was already angry, and was looking to take it out on someone. So she'll fix on any random thing to explode about. Hence why something as simple as someone moving a pan or making a sandwich might cause her to erupt with volcanic fury. And all the while I'm crying, thinking, "if only I hadn't moved that pan 2 inches, this wouldn't have happened. Why do I always do the wrong thing?" H said that there was no way to do the right thing, because NMom was just looking for something to rage about. There was no "truth" about what I'd done, it was NMom making up a reason to justify abuse!

Despite allegedly having a high IQ, this common form of human behavior completely escaped me. I probably would have never realized it if H hadn't pointed it out.  Anyway, I do believe this is the basis for my GAD, and probably a part of my shame, too. And if this is the case, it is likely carried around by the Inner Child. I know my adult self should offer her some protection, but I'm not sure how to do that yet. My adult self is feeling pretty fragile at the moment.

[Sandals]

Zazu, I'll just add my perspective to Rain's excellent points.

I believe we help the shame to lift when we can return to a state of innocence. This is very connected to your inner child.

All those years of your inner child being blamed and invalidated result in shame because a child's world is filled with innocence and if something is wrong, they blame themselves. And while it's not our fault, all these years that we have not faced what happened, while we've normalized it or been locked in our family system, we have been inadvertently blaming her too.   She needs someone to heal her and tell her that what happened was wrong so she can trust in her innocence again.

I'm very early in the stage of doing this and believe this is why I'm having trouble connecting with her. She needs me to listen and I'm a queen of avoidance. But I'm working on it.

I believe this is just a different take on what Rain is saying and just wanted to share in case it helps.