when narcissist parent casually mentions abuser's name (trigger warning - CSA)

[mourningdove]

This is the second time in a month that this has happened - my so-called mother casually bringing up an abuser's name.

*trigger warning*

When I was in my early 20s, I was flooded with memories and feelings about something awful that had happened when I was small. I didn't want to tell my mother even then, but i felt like I had to so that she would understand why I didn't want that person to visit. She reacted as badly as anyone could, including accusations of lying and then asking me, "Are you sure  you didn't do something to invite it?" 

She was supposed to be the person who would believe me and want to protect me. Instead, I got bombarded with disgusting questions like the above. then she went through a phase where she kept insisting that SHE was going to confront him about it, even though I had said over and over that I didn't want her to ever tell anyone. (She cared more about what had been done to HER child than about how I felt about it. Because I am not a person; I am a thing to her, a mere extension of herself.) She seemed to relent on that eventually, but, knowing her, she probably told many people to gain attention for herself.

I had told her over and over and over again that I never wanted to talk about it again. i told her this screaming and/or crying so many times, but she just did not give a *. For YEARS. She would bring it up, saying that SHE needed to talk about it.

Then a few years ago, the person died. I felt some relief from that. But now that they are dead, my mother has started casually dropping their name again when talking about the extended family as if nothing had ever happened. As if nothing had ever happened. As if I hadn't spent years begging not to hear that name again. Welp, here it is again. Again.

You fail, mom. You * fail.

[mourningdove]

Ewww, it just occurred to me that she might be trying to bait me into reacting so that she can talk about it all again. Yes, she is that manipulative. But she's also self-centered enough to throw out that person's name, even after everything I described, without giving a thought to how it will affect me. So who knows...

[Three Roses]

I'm giving her an F. 

[mourningdove]

Thanks, 3R. 

[radical]

Good god,
In all of this every reaction has been about her.  How she feels, how this might affect her, the harm it could cause her, how it might look if she does or doesn't do something, and now, what she might be able to screw out of the situation for herself.  She hasn't even noticed you.  You're right, she doesn't see you as a person, imo.

I probably shouldn't be so emphatic, as if I know, it's just when I hear this it is so familiar to me, and makes me understand how I managed to get so screwed-up.

There have been times I've felt like pinching myself, just to remind myself that I actually exist given that there has been no sign from my own mother that she has any experience of me at all, other than as a a kind of life-sized doll who's existence has impacted her life, though as little as she could train me to cause her, and how to maximise any benefits she might be able to bounce off me and how to eradicate the tiresome inconvenience of having me as a daughter.

I'm sorry you were abused and tried to tell a mother who didn't care, and for all the times you needed and deserved to be seen, heard, appreciated, cared for, nurtured, worried about, laughed with, encouraged, commiserated with, steered, advised, cried for, cuddled, believed-in, cheered-on, adored, admonished, forgiven, respected, thought of, remembered, been strong for, defended, taught, disciplined, explained to, wondered with, gazed at, gotten over heself for, puzzled over, felt joy in the the existence of, - loved.

Is there a lower grade than F?

[MLG83]

Is there a lower grade than f

Yes absolutely an incomplete that is what your mother left you with an incomplete life I'm sorry or what happened to you I know my sorry doesn't help it at all but I can completely relate

[mourningdove]

radical and MLG83,

I'm so sorry that you both related to this. But thank you so much for making me feel less alone. There is always the tendency to think that the problem is me (as I've been trained from birth to believe that), so it helps a lot to get outside perspectives and validation.

[MLG83]

  always about them