EEEP Just Realizing My Mom is Covert Narcissist

[rosemarie]

It's all so clear now. Crystal. I cannot let her control me again. I have to go into my deepest reservoirs of self love and motivation and just focus on my plan to get away from her. I plan to just keep pretending everything is as usual and not let on that I know anything. I have to find employment and just move myself out of this house ASAP so I can get on with my life. I need to go no contact with my whole FOO. The idea of this was just too scary before. I have self doubt to overcome but the will to protect myself and succeed and thrive is strong. I couldn't see it before. I was just so manipulated and sure she was this angelic victim perfect parent doing her best for her children. And that is what the world sees. No one who knows her would ever believe me. No wonder it's still going on. My father is an overt narc to the point it is embarrassing to be anywhere in public with him. No wonder I got triggered by that movie where I felt like I was I an orphan and had a flashback to being a little child fantasizing my real parents would come and save me. And since I outed my dad's sexual abuse (they are divorced) well...Her first reaction was that's something that just happens to us and we get over it" and talked about herself. Then therapist confronted her and she went covert again. Has been doing everything she can to sabotage my success in life though will pretending to both rescue and enable me. She says she couldn't help me from being abused by my father 'cause her lawyer told her we couldn't prove it' when she got divorced. But it was obvious as a child I had major mental illness and she just ignored it. She is ignoring it RIGHT NOW and that is the biggest wake up call. She uses withholding support to keep me under control. I hope to God she doesn't find this website she will flip and I'm still financially entrenched/would be homeless if she does rn. I've already told her I use a forum. Crap. This already happened to me once on here!i checked her computer history earlier and there wasn't anything but I wonder when I put up emotional wall what will happen. This is my plan of action, any input support or advice is super appreciated.

1. Pretend like I have no clue she is a narcissist
2. Continue to have great self care recovering from the recent abuse situations I just got out of less than a month ago
3. Seek out employment immediately
4. Move out as soon as possible
5. Tell her NOTHING about my plan just keep doing what I am currently

Even as I write this I'm doubting myself like, is she really? She is incredibly covert and that CPTSD voice kicks in like oh you're just crazy and paranoid. But I found this article about 'codependent' parents I posted about, that I think is really about narc parents and the evidence is irrefutable. She's so good using guilt and playing the super parent that it blindsides me every time. NOT ANYMORE.

[ALLHAILTHEGLOWCLOUD]

First and foremost- man, this must be a lot for you emotionally.  Reading your post though it seems like you're putting all that emotion to good use and the fact that you have a plan already is extremely promising.  I recently went through a very similar experience with my own family of origin, and I too have struggled with internalized gaslighting about whether or not I could possibly be right about the truth of things.  So I say the following not because I believe you need to prove anything to anyone, but because I had a hard time feeling consistently secure in my own right to extricate myself from harm: GOOD FOR YOU for trusting your gut and allowing your eyes to see the truth.  Good for you for preparing yourself to set boundaries.  Good for you for finally, and against every obstacle that others have thrown your way, prioritizing self-protection over being convenient to those who want to use you.  This is hard, and this is amazing.

My own mother used the disguise of "super parent" to keep me doubting myself and struggling more with my symptoms than I otherwise would have.  I hope that you can find employment and go no-contact soon, and I hope that then you will find some relief from things she is exacerbating.  As far as finding this forum goes, I'd suggest always using incognito mode if you are not already and making sure that you are logging out every time you stop using the site.  If you're really worried about her getting suspicious about your internet activities, you could also join another support forum that's maybe a little vaguer in its purpose, and have that one on the bookmarks bar and in the open.  With that account you wouldn't have to be too active, just make a few posts about your symptoms maybe.  But that depends on how much you've explained about this site. 

Remember that you are doing the right thing.  This is a catalytic time in your life, but you've already been strong enough to get out of one abusive situation recently and you can do it again.  You know how to care for yourself, and you know you are worth caring for.  Know that there are other people who feel this way toward you, too, even if some of us are online.  You are strong enough, smart enough and persistent enough to get through this and to claim the strength and success that is waiting for you. 

If your mom doesn't want you to get a job, you might start showing an interest in reading up on various things that improve self-worth and mental health in general, and in conversation bring up a job among other things such as diet and exercise.  That could be a good start to it not seeming suspicious when you did get a job.  If you have any safe friends who could help you get a job or even let you crash with them, this could be a good time to reach out. 

You'll be in my thoughts. 

[rosemarie]

ALLHAILTHEGLOWCLOUD
Thanks so much for that insightful and supportive response! Wow, you nailed it. Oh she wants me to get a job, she pretends to and when I do succeed it feeds her "look what a great mom I am" ego. I wish I had somewhere to go. I have no one here, they were all really toxic friendships and relationships. My sister is here and she's JUST LIKE my mom. But, I do have a best friend I keep in contact with via phone and she's helping me (unconditional love and support, such a blessing we all deserve). And I am using a self help coaching program for recovery from narcissistic abuse and self empowerment (when I mentioned this to my mom the other night I think I saw panic flash behind her eyes and her response was a very flat 'oh'). I have to take responsibility for myself now regardless of anyone else's behavior, while staying compassionate for what Ive been through. I'm really feeling excited and like I can do this. It's going to feel SO good to be on my own finally and pursue my dreams, eventually. AND I just finally got a new therapist who will see me soon, which I am NOT going to tell her, for once, and that feels super empowering. Good advice on the incognito and logout I'm going to password lock my whole computer now like a phone too. I may even drop a line about another ptsd forum and throw in specifics that match what I have told her. Cause really I'm super smart and now that I've figured her out I'm not even afraid anymore. But you know WHAT? If she finds this, SO BE IT. I'm not going to help her, but, I disappeared from this site once from a stalker sociopath I was dealing with last year and I won't do it again. I will survive and access to this resource is a gift and my right as a survivor. What's she gonna do? Tell everyone I'm nuts? Yeah. You made sure of that lady! Don't care anymore!

I realized that the magic part of this equation happened before the string of recent abuse I just went through (actually four cluster B personality disorders, who were also super abusive, in a ROW) when I put myself back out in the world again after years of chronic illness, pain and raging CPTSD symptoms. Before I did that, I had a spiritual awakening and found unconditional self love just opened right up, it was so beautiful I can't even express it. Like finding faith in life after a life of fear and terror. Then, I struggled to integrate it with all the self doubt and trauma and that was a process. But I developed self love practices to overcome this and most importantly, I don't really need loads of outside validation anymore. On some level I do, as a social being, and it's super helpful when it has good intentions from a good person. But, right now I just see how weak and pathetic she really is, and I'm like, meh, don't need your love or approval no more. And man is that liberation! Cause that's their trap as abusive parents, we naturally look to them for this and they withhold it or mix with abuse and it's messed up. If I hadn't dealt with a very very ill and very very manipulative and abusive BPD/NPD 'friend' last year this trauma about my mom wouldn't have opened up yet, I'd still be in denial. But it's made me see abusive women in a whole new light and how I am particularly vulnerable to their guilt tripping. I don't care what kind of financial support she's given me in this process she is getting zero credit for my recovery. She has tried to subvert my success in super covert and subtle ways and that takes away all the good.

Trigger Warning

What's really true is my mom knew my dad was sexually and psychologically abusing me both before and after she left him and she couldn't be bothered to care. What's true is she would roll her eyes at me whenever I was sick, since I can remember, and used my 'funny tummy' and severe IBS (starting at age 5) s to make me think I was a hypochondriac my whole life as I suffered terribly from the VERY REAL effects of a lot of major illnesses, all statistically linked to the trauma I suffered. Even when I fractured my foot as a child I was being 'dramatic' and made to walk on it and ignored, but boy did she apologize to the DOCTOR. What's true is when I was dealing with no less than 9 chronic illnesses and in heaps of pain every darn day, she kept asking me "when would I be healed?" and "when would I get a job?" and guilt tripping me to try and make me think I was taking advantage of and manipulating HER. SO, what's true is that she preys on and abuses her own ill child. What's true is she neglected me, regardless of the tidbits of power and resources she 'doled' out that were and are basic survival needs. What's true is when confronted about my sexual abuse she tried to just say "oh that's just what happens and we get over it" and tell some story about an isolated incident that may or may not have happened and was nothing like I went through. What's true is that her reaction also PROVES she knew I was being abused. What's true is after I confronted my dad in a card one father's day stating I knew what he did and he threatened to come find me and inflict harm ("not what an innocent man does" said one great psychiatrist) she blamed me for antagonizing him and minimized the danger to my person that this violent gun-toting martial arts master psychopath could inflict, and rolled her eyes at my concern. What's true is she is pathologically envious of my intelligence, beauty, sparkle, talent, popularity, and resources and makes me pay for it by withholding love, support, attention and affection. What's true is any feeling I have ever had has been met with obliviousness, silence, and cues of disgust. What's true is when pressured to be compassionate or caring by licensed professionals she has a totally flat affect and it's always forced because she can never be wrong. What's true is she guilt tripped me into selling off valuable investments I had to pay off student loan debt that she had cosigned on (and pressured me into school so she could look like a good parent and live through my success) that caused me to lose one hundred fifty thousand dollars in penalties and lost income. What's true is she really did this so she could take away money she was always jealous of and mad at my father for getting me and "not making me get it the hard way," (HER WAY) despite me having confided in her he used that money as leverage to rape me as a small child. Doesn't matter, it had helped me to get away from her before and we can't have that happening again (TOO BAD MOM, ITS HAPPENING FOREVER THIS TIME). What's true is she is NOT A GOOD MOTHER at all, but a sick, twisted, abusive, hollow, deeply neglectful and selfish woman who never deserved a daughter like me in the first place. What's true is, I will walk out of this the resilient and strong woman that I am and succeed at my dreams and move on and never. look. back. at this disgusting family. I disowned my father, and my mother and sister are next in line. I'm going to just simply walk away and then eventually disappear from their lives forever with a smile on my face knowing that I'm the one who comes out with the upper hand because I am a kind, caring, generous human being who is going to help thousands of survivors to take back their power someday. Because no one should be treated this badly. EVER. What's true is, I can stop the cycle of abuse and take full responsibility for my own life, regardless of their actions, past present or future. What's true is I'm not afraid anymore. What's true is I love myself and that's healthy and ok. What's true is I validate everything I feel now. What's true is I am a survivor and a thriver and I'm going to set the world of narcissists on fire with my life's work, because it is way past time to end the oppression and victim shaming and nonsense. What's true is my voice is powerful, my story is powerful, and I will bring light to the world. What's true is we all can, no matter how much we were taught to doubt ourselves. What's true is abusers can't, they will always be stuck in their miserable lives, unable to heal, and they made that bed for themselves and we don't have to feel bad about it. What's true is I hand all the responsibility and shame for what they did to me, to us, back to them, which is where it belongs. This ends with me.

[rosemarie]

Trigger Warning

Omg, it's just all coming out now. Now I remember why I'm so scared she will stalk this site. When I was like 13/14 I was 'dating' all these creepy sexual predators online. I had just stopped staying at my Dad's so probably that sexual abuse had ended. And I was meeting them and I got molested. She found out and instead of protecting me she made me feel like I was disgusting. She had spyware on the computer and had seen all the sexual messages and invaded my privacy about it. She shamed me and made me feel like she was being a good parent but she didn't actually protect me. I just kind of stopped because I was so mortified. And she approached it as well with, "oh you're just so mature."

Then I remember her saying when I was talking about how my dad was parasitically feeding off of his new host/spouse, "Aren't you relieved she is taking all his abuse now?" My mother is a psychopath! She for sure knew I was being abused. Proof after proof. Omg I'm so grossed out. And I have to be in the same house as her. When she got home I ran out. And then later just couldn't even make eye contact. She went on about her day and I got a pretty good and secret comment in. She never asked me once how I am. Proof proof proof. And all the while she just seems so sweet and so nice and she's talking about what a sympathetic person she is about a work situation that is exactly her caring about others while she doesn't care about me at all. It is so sickening. I can't give her any more supply and I'm scared what will happen. And what will happen if she finds this. I have nothing and nobody at the moment but I need this forum and support to get through this.

I can see all my repressed anger, rage, resentment, fear, terror, hurt, disappointment, invisibility, invalidation: everything I was forced to bury and make invisible, just boil up in her proximity. I can see how when I had an awakening a couple years ago and was really healing she pulled the financial plug and brought me back home where I got stuck again and was at the time so disabled by physical pain there was nothing I could do. I can see how all these feelings cause illness and pain in my body, that heart wrenching pain where you can't breathe deeply and the anxiety builds, that gut wrenching pain where my IBS goes wild. I'm so glad I found a therapist. I guess there is always a homeless shelter if she finds this? Would probably be better anyways but I would have to leave my dog baby and I really need her and don't feel good about that. I pray she doesn't find this. 

[rosemarie]

Trigger Warning

OMG all the trauma is just flooding out and I have no where to go to get away from her at the moment, just like she wants. She hasn't been supportive about the recent abuse cause he primed me to be her captive again, and her little housewife taking care of the house for her while she works. Jesus christ, help me. My whole body wants to scream and run away and I'm trapped. NO WONDER I have such an intense freeze response, this is what my parents did. My dad would outright sexually abuse me and I'm almost certain I even told her and I'm POSITIVE she KNEW, and then I'd have to come to her and she would ignore all my symptoms, feelings, emotions, and make herself look like the good rescuer parent. SO all she says to me now is these oversweet messages about how she's so grateful I am cooking and cleaning up and that's so helpful. And she's already laid such a heavy shame foundation before about me needing her help when I'm disabled, I just do everything. And last night I remembered. How abusive her mom was. How I always feel like I have a horrible nasty mean grandma, and my mom still asserts she is good mom and she loves her mom. Uh...lie. And how she used to have to cook and clean and take care of her siblings. This may or may not be true but she was priming ME to do it. As a kid I had no friends and would do all this and she would give me all the praise she was starving me for for doing what she wanted, serving her needs. I think she's priming me to care for her needs forever. Exploiting my illness and keeping me disabled with her psychological warfare. Well, the other daughter, the one who can do no wrong, lol, the one she trained to be just like her and ignore me and everyone when they are ill or in pain, sure as * ain't gonna do it. And neither am I. I just can't take it. I can't take her sweet syrupy mother of the year act. It's complete crap. It's so gross. I have to get out.

[ALLHAILTHEGLOWCLOUD]

Lord, I can so relate to your situation.  My mom and yours sound just alike, and I also had a sister who seemingly could do no wrong, leaving me with much of the housework.  I'm over here in the corner like "Yes!  Yeah!  End the cycle!"      and wish there was more that I could do. 

We got dealt a * hand where family is concerned but that doesn't mean we have to deal someone else one, too.  You're doing the right thing and I'm sorry that so many people who were supposed to love you have hurt you.

[rosemarie]

Thanks, my head is spinning. It's crazy making and I can't let it undermine my escape. I have to keep moving forward. Of course she's acting as innocent as usual. Still not a single word as to how am I doing after surviving abuse? Nothing. I went back and read some cards she had written me and it's so obvious. Just some * flattery and flowery language that actually means nothing, then the whole "you're such a good girl" for xyz that I secretly want you to do for me, pretend happiness that I'm recovering, then creepy stuff like where she looks obsessive and calls me things like "her support, her best friend" and adds guilt trips to make me miss and worry about my dog (while I am in residential treatment). Now they just look like hoovering laced with triggers and lies, lies, lies. I'm now feeling disgusted by all the flattery abusive people use as a ploy to get you to flatter their empty selves. What the reality is is that she is dependent on me for supply and I can't even look at her anymore so that ain't happening. I'm focusing on independence ASAP because when I'm in this house my body and health just deteriorate so it might as well be physical abuse to add to the emotional. I've been trying to express my anger in healthy ways because the amount that has been repressed is not healthy, but I can't turn in inwards anymore. I feel like my suicidality is gone, like really gone, because of this. I'm exhausted emotionally but that's because I'm just expressing everything I need to finally. I'm getting my ducks in a row and I've never really been this motivated. I mean, the thought of having no family and nowhere to go with people who know me is horrible, but this false home and its false security come much too high a price. Really, at this point, I'm just so fed up with the *. I'm just tired of this, and I don't deserve it, and I've got better * to do with my life, you know?

[alchemist]

Rosemarie, I hope you found a job and are safe.