Weirdness with my therapist

[ALLHAILTHEGLOWCLOUD]

I feel like it's gotten harder for me to trust my therapist the longer I know him.  I have started to have this constant second-guessing going on during sessions and I interpret a lot of his actions as being disapproving, resentful, disappointed or even angry with me.  I've been seeing him for about six months and have had good results with EMDR and Somatic Experiencing, but at this point I have gone for about a month now with this inability to really relax and let therapy "happen" like I used to do.  I don't let my guard down as much and I'm really afraid that what I do or say will be wrong, that what comes up when I examine my thoughts and feelings will be unacceptable. 

Let me say I'm preeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty sure he's not actually mad at me, lol.  And I'm sort of embarrassed about having these jumpy feelings and fear about interacting with him lately.  I think he'd probably be receptive to talking frankly about that and even doing work around it, since he's been great with feedback in the past.  But like I said I'm sort of ashamed of these feelings.

Part of it maybe started when we tried to do an exercise that just REALLY did not work for me.  It was the first time that I strongly disagreed with any method of his and I was surprised and taken off guard.  The exercise isn't a fundamentally unsafe or unsound one by any means, and I think for many people- especially those who have been on this journey longer than 6 months- it would have been a valuable experience.  He asked me to imagine my parents each giving me the love and attention they withheld from me as a child, except verbally, adult-to-adult.  I couldn't even imagine their faces looking sincere in this ideal scenario. 

I've ditched my FOO permanently, and that's still a very raw wound.  Much of the work I've done around that has been struggling to differentiate myself from them and define myself as a separate individual, and this exercise felt like it might negate that.  It felt like it might make me miss them or- something.  I don't know.  I'm scared to look at my parents as people with nuance because a) it's really hard to do that at all and b) because I'm really struggling not to revert back to denial as it is, and I find that acknowledging anything other than "THEY ARE EVIL AND DANGEROUS" makes me start to doubt the reality of my perceptions again.  My denial was so deep as to be more amnesiac than anything.  For YEARS. 

At any rate, usually when I take the leap and try to move outside my comfort zone in therapy, I have found it to be eventually rewarding and productive.  But this just felt confusing, and it almost felt like a big step back for me.  As someone fixated on attaining an idealized healing fantasy in order to feel like I deserve to heal at all, anything I deem a failure [ie regular old setbacks] becomes a laceration to the core of what worth I feel I have at the moment.  And I felt like I failed in the exercise.

As I write this, I think in some ways I'm probably projecting feelings of suspicion and disappointment that I have toward my therapist after this exercise onto him.  He told me the point of the exercise was to give some reassurance to my inner children and that my adult self didn't have to buy it necessarily, but I think I sort of panicked because of my obsession with needing to JUSTIFY and PROVE that the abuse was real.  And I think it makes sense that I would need to defend that reality, because it has been very hard-won indeed.  But the need to provide some sort of proof, even to myself, has become self-sabotaging more often than not and I'm not sure exactly how to handle that.  I definitely don't think it has been productive to hold my therapist at arms' length because I am choosing to assign blame to one or both of us for my perceived failure to successfully complete something that was never about successful completion. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, glowcloud, it sounds to me like it was an exercise that you just aren't ready to do yet.  neither you nor your therapist could have known that going in.  i don't see it as a failure on anyone's part.  it's just a little too soon.   i give you credit for acknowledging your feelings about it, that it's just not the right time for something like that for you.

i do think talking with your t about it might be productive.  from what you're saying, it sounds like you need to take some smaller steps around this subject, just be with your feelings about your foo for now, and work on something different for a bit.  this chapter of your life can always be revisited when you're ready.   you both gave it a shot, it didn't work, on to something different.  it's ok not to be ready yet. 

my best to you with this.  i hope this can be smoothed out for you.

[rosemarie]

Hey amazingly insightful self-aware survivor!

Your self-expression literally blows me away, so inspiring. I mean that genuinely. I really think that you clearly have the cognitive capacity to overcome this. I really see that in you. I just get the sense that you were always this brilliant and your FOO did not want you to know/were probably quite envious (on the inside of course), and (leap?) maybe tried to make you believe something else? I could just be projecting, one never knows.

I also want to say I can relate to feeling like you just can't tell your therapist something that makes you uncomfortable, when so many of us were taught to bury what makes us uncomfortable, this can be a struggle. Therapy is the place we practice these things. I'm also sorry you're feeling uncomfortable lately, that's ok too, whether you are projecting or just sensing your inner boundaries here, this is an uncomfortable process. I can imagine after six months of deep work like that it could feel pretty vulnerable, and I have found that my openness kind of expands and then contracts, and that sometimes I need to be a little more gentle with myself during these contractions because I am an overachiever and hold myself to unreasonable standards for healing. I mean that's just me. Anywho, I had a thought. What about reframing this as you giving yourself the love your parents didn't? That may be pretty uncomfortable too but I could see what he's getting at. I want to affirm to you that if his exercise doesn't feel right you never have to do it. It can be especially difficult for me personally to challenge people in authoritative positions especially when I am kind of the overachiever type )self protective) in my healing and let's face it, other pursuits. You don't ever have to imagine them being good parents, that sounds a bit much to me too and I feel like you are dead on and so self aware about it retriggering that cognitive distortion you have fought so hard against to process the truth. If I was your therapist, I would welcome this feedback and totally understand where you are coming from. His response could also show you if you can trust him (again, good practice). The first time I did this I had a flat out panic attack but therapy should (hopefully) be a safe place to test our boundaries. It might be really helpful for other clients as well.

[ALLHAILTHEGLOWCLOUD]

Thanks for the feedback- I think talking to him about this might be a good idea.  I'm going to an appointment today so this is as good a time as any.

And I think you're right, San, about reframing my thinking about this as a failure. Instead I can try and see it as an opportunity to understand something about my boundaries.

I know I can trust him again- I have an immense amount of respect for the guy and have always found him to be kind and professional. 

[Candid]

He told me the point of the exercise was to give some reassurance to my inner children...

Karyl McBride, author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?, recommends creating an 'Internal Mother' who reassures you and praises you. I can see the value of that (added one to my imaginary friends list!) but I have to say I too would have been uncomfortable with the exercise your therapist wanted you to do. Like you, I'm long estranged from all my FOO and prefer to leave them out of it.

That being said, I expect people to dislike, disapprove and be angry with me. If that could be operating for you, it would be a good idea to raise it with your T. The idea of bringing your real parents into your head is horrifying in that context. I imagine what mine would be saying: "There she goes, being difficult again. No wonder no one likes her..." and 

[ALLHAILTHEGLOWCLOUD]

Hmm. That's a good idea. If I'm honest,  most of the time I feel really afraid of dealing with my inner children. This could be a good way to go about it.

Yeah, I strongly relate to your expectations that others will see you only in a negative light. My fear is especially that I have been "fooling" everyone who knows me into thinking I have any good qualities, and that once I let anyone in they will see me for what I am (which I think is more like what my parents TOLD me I am...) I'm afraid this will happen with my therapist if I don't "do well" in therapy.

Picturing my parents being genuinely kind was not something I could do. If i tried to imagine sincere love or sincere anything on their faces, they looked like different people. Disconcerting to say the least!

The book you mentioned sounds worth a read for sure. Thanks for your feedback!

[Candid]

My fear is especially that I have been "fooling" everyone who knows me into thinking I have any good qualities, and that once I let anyone in they will see me for what I am (which I think is more like what my parents TOLD me I am...)

Hahaha and yeah,  me too. If I learn that someone likes me I think "why?" or "don't get excited, it's early days and my real self will soon show up".

Picturing my parents being genuinely kind was not something I could do. If i tried to imagine sincere love or sincere anything on their faces, they looked like different people. Disconcerting to say the least!

Yes again. It's bad enough that I can imagine what they would say about me now; in fact I can't seem to prevent Mother getting into my head most days... and being horrible.