Wherein our hero finds herself stymied by nuance and accountability

[ALLHAILTHEGLOWCLOUD]

Today is my day off.  Also this week or next I think I will be 6 weeks completely sober, so that's pretty cool.  Soon we are probably going to get a kitten.  I'm looking forward to spring coming. 

Today I bought some gold embroidery floss so I can sew a back patch on my new jacket.  At the craft store they also had Floam https://www.google.com/search?q=floam&oq=floam&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l5.653j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8 so I bought myself some of that.  I've made it at home but it always gets kind of weird and gross after a couple days in the fridge, plus I like to play with it while watching Netflix in bed and the homemade stuff always pops little styrofoam beads out everywhere.  I have good luck with Floam and Play Doh as tools to get me feeling less dissociated. 

My cat is ready for spring too.  In the last week she's started to shed, which she hardly ever does, and likes to play a game where I throw a blanket or T shirt up in the air and she runs underneath it before it falls.  Also included in the category of things she likes: hiding near corners and attacking my legs.

I have been thinking a lot about ability, and how I have been reducing my own ability to function when I don't acknowledge my limitations.  Part of this is fear of accountability, since I still really struggle with black-and-white thinking, and for me a lot of the time if I take ownership of a mistake I end up lumping myself in as being "as bad as my abusers."  The other thing that contributes to this is simply being unaware of them.  I spend most of my time dissociated from my body and sensations, running away from all the things that could give me information about my own state of affairs.  It's like I'm driving a car without ever looking down at the speedometer or the gas level.  I have all kinds of warning lights on, and I'm very close to running out of gas, but I'm so afraid that I might have to deal with something out of my depth if I find out about it that I don't even look down to find out if I need to refill the tank. 

The black and white thinking complicates the matter of ability in another way too, which is that it enables fatalism.  I would much rather be completely confident and capable than somewhat capable and not very confident, which is what I really am.  And I am so overwhelmed by understanding where my limitations are that I'd rather identify as completely helpless than as somewhat limited.   

It's weird because I find myself at a place where I really need to let myself off the hook and stop holding myself to impossible standards while at the same time I need to take responsibility for my f***ups.  I'm pretty sure that's what most people call "being a human" but for me it feels new and, as in all things, I am so deeply terrified of failure that much of me would rather not even try.  I am starting to understand that it's OK for this to be a trial and error process, and I think that's a good start.  I'm even starting to conceive of failure and mistakes as possibly even more valuable for learning than successes, which I think is another good sign. 

I know that where I really need to start is daily practice of emotional regulation through doing at least one somatic exercise per day and actually exercising my muscles as well, and paying attention to my feelings as much as I can.  I am familiar with the concept of titration, ie dealing with small amounts of trauma at a time, but cannot consistently practice it yet.  I have faith though in my ability to get better at that, and I hope that as I demonstrate to myself that there will be numerous small opportunities to process throughout every day that my feelings of being overwhelmed, crazy and out of control will decrease, ideally leaving me free to parse out some of the delicacies of cognitive distortion. 

[sanmagic7]

huzzah! for all your sober time, 6 days or 6 weeks - it's grand!!!  congrats!

you know, getting sober is a minefield all by itself, glowcloud.  i'm sober about 15 yrs. now, relapsed after my first 15 yrs sober, so i know something about the ins and outs of it all.  getting sober is such a biggie.  i'm glad you're writing - i hope it helps.

looking at the world and oneself through clear eyes is such an adventure, one that can definitely be overwhelming at times.  i hope you can be patient with yourself above all.  you are just beginning to get a sense of yourself and your surroundings again, something that had been hidden while under the influence.  it's a big ask, especially in the beginning.

i've always heard that it takes a year to really get grounded with sobriety.  that length of time encompasses all the anniversaries, holidays, parties, personal ups and downs, etc. that you'll be experiencing as a sober person.  it's a lot to take in and process.  put this other crapola on top of it, and yeah, you can get bogged down, frightened, anxious, and overwhelmed to the point where you want to go use again because there's too much pressure.

so, take it slow, give yourself a KISS (keep it simple, sweetie), be patient - everything in its time.  it shall come to you as you can deal with it.  all these feelings and concepts you describe are new for you, and like anything else new, they'll take time and practice to become more comfortable with them.   like a new pair of shoes.  you usually gotta walk around in them for a bit before they really fit for you.

yay for a new kitten!  we're hoping to get one soon as well.  they're adorable.  if you ever need to chat about staying sober, pm me.  i don't know if you're involved in meetings or with a sponsor or anything, but i'm always willing to help someone stay sober.     

[ALLHAILTHEGLOWCLOUD]

I hadn't even intended to post or visit this site at all today, since I thought it might be nice to take a break from the more intense exposure to CPTSD stuff [research and otherwise] that I've been engaging in this week.  It has been really helpful, but I'm starting to notice the warning signs in my sensations and thoughts of unhelpful obsession with things that leads me to start seeing them as completely pointless if they don't exceed my expectations of helpfulness.  So I thought I'd unplug from the internet for the day unless it was for specific research for writing or for the writing tool I'm working on, which is a series of cheat-sheets about the climates of Earth that can be referenced quickly to provide a more realistic ambiance for a scene. 

Obviously these intentions have not come to fruition, because here I am posting anyway.  I'm feeling really triggered and angry and confused because of an interaction I just had at a coffee shop near my house.  This is my day off and I usually get up late and go have breakfast and coffee over a book at the coffee shop down the street.  I often stay an hour or two, and I do this every week.  My agoraphobia makes it very difficult for me to leave my comfort zones, which in the past have been restricted to literally just my bed, but now include my house, my work, my car, my therapist's office and [triumphantly] a walk of a few blocks that I often take.  I'm working to challenge my agoraphobia but anyone who experiences similar symptoms knows that, while a worthy endeavor, it is one that takes tremendous commitment, patience and courage, and one which tends to leave me at least exhausted.  The coffee shop down the street is a hard-won addition to my comfort zone that I've worked hard to maintain, and I think that's one reason I was so upset by what just happened there.

At any rate, I happened to be wearing makeup today as well when I went down there.  In the last year I've started to use makeup as a form of self-care.  I've let myself start dressing more how I like and wearing the kind of makeup I like, which usually shakes out to be a casual outfit that's mostly black, a spiked collar, dark lipstick and dark eye makeup.  Taking control of my appearance like this has also been something I've worked at.  In the past I've only felt comfortable making myself look nice if it's extremely feminine and colorful.  There's nothing wrong with that style and sometimes I still like to dress that way, but at this point in my life I like wearing more goth/punk clothes because it makes me feel like I'm making an objection to being objectified without actually having to make a conscious effort.  It makes me feel safer, and like maybe someone will think twice before trying to mess with me.  It's a security blanket of sorts that has made it much easier for me to leave the house, and I will take what I can get at this point. 

Anyway, there I am having finished my bagel and I'm working on my coffee over a book, and the shop is empty except for me, the woman who's usually there behind the counter, and this older man.  He sort of meanders into the back corner where I typically sit because it's quieter, and he stands over the table, and says, "Excuse me, what's your name?"

And I immediately get this sinking feeling in my stomach.  I have the thought, Oh no.  This man could be completely polite and harmless, but he still feels comfortable interrupting a random stranger who's clearly occupied and demanding some kind of information without offering anything about himself and without asking if it's alright to interrupt.  In my experience, men who feel completely at ease doing this sort of thing generally mean well but are rarely at all considerate of the fact that they are imposing on the women they do it to and are unconsciously soliciting emotional labor it is hard for us to refuse giving.  But I tried to keep an open mind, since I really would not have been opposed to a friendly conversation if that was what he had in mind.  Perhaps he had read the book I was reading, or had something interesting to say about the street or the shop.

I told him my name, and he clearly wanted to shake my hand but I did not extend mine.  He introduced himself as well and said, "I've seen you in here a lot.  I notice you're wearing lipstick.  What color is that?"

And that was when I started to get really triggered.  He was still standing over me, making no move to move away or make me more comfortable with his presence.  He was only looking at my lips when he looked at my face.  I told him my lipstick was brown, because I don't remember the exact shade of all the * lipsticks I have.  And he acted like I was being somehow flippant.  I was thinking that I just really didn't want to have to dig up the name of my lipstick and emotionally reassure him when he was the one who'd inadvertently upset me, because I knew that if I didn't do something quickly I might get too triggered to calm down and have a panic attack.

So he keeps going on about lipstick and * and doing all the things in conversation that strange men do to reassure you their intentions are good, like naming several female family members and acquaintances and giving an innocent reason about inquiring about my lipstick shade.  He asked me if my lipstick was gothic, which also embarrassed me.  I know he probably just thought he was making conversation and giving me a compliment, but the fact is that he commented on my body first thing and he wouldn't shut up about it even after I tried twice to change the subject.  I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything with me other than my lipstick.  I know I came off as rude, but frankly I think it's kind of rude for a man with forty years on me to interrupt me when I'm clearly doing something else just to comment on my appearance and expect me to make small talk about lipstick as though the only reason he came over wasn't to just look at me while I talk to him.  You can't trap me in a conversation AND expect me to make it pleasant for you.  At that point, I was just struggling to emotionally regulate.  Everything he said about my appearance made me blush and I could feel it, so I know he must have seen it.  I know I was visibly uncomfortable, even just based on the fact that the woman at the counter came back to fiddle around with something closer to our interaction and kept making eye contact with me in a way that he couldn't see.  But he was ignoring that. 

I felt embarrassed looking so obviously uncomfortable.  I have a very difficult time showing vulnerability even to my partner, and it is deeply upsetting when someone forces me into a vulnerable situation.  I kept wondering why, if he was so willing to apply his powers of observation to my makeup choices for the day, he was so apparently unable to try to understand the contents of my expression. 

So many men have approached me this way, and it is usually in coffee shops, and they usually have twenty years at least on me, and it always ends in a long conversation where I am expected to nod enthusiastically and not say much, and then perhaps they'll graciously throw me a bone by asking me about my interests, only to explain to me in great length everything they know about my interests, which often isn't much, as though my life has been incomplete without their input. 

This is not small talk.  This is not meeting new people.  This is not fun for me.  This is someone coming into my personal space without the bare minimum of concern for what I might want.  I have given men like this the benefit of the doubt many times, and in two cases I ended up in deeply creepy situations just because I was following the rule taught to me in childhood that unless a stranger explicitly and beyond the doubt of a skeptical third party can be PROVEN to have shown untoward interest in me, I must indulge him.  After the second of these times when I was twenty, I promised myself that I would allow myself to be rude if I have a gut feeling rather than bend over backwards to please some strange man. 

And honestly, I wasn't even trying to be rude to this man.  I was struggling to prioritize my own quickly-unraveling emotional state over politely participating in the falsehood that he was approaching me innocently.  I am well aware that this man likely wanted nothing more than to chat for five minutes or so while making what he thought were surreptitious glances at various parts of my body.  I doubt he would have asked me for anything at all.  I am certain beyond a reasonable doubt that he would not have tried to follow me home, because I just didn't get that vibe from him.  But why should we as women have to wait until we get a really creepy vibe to set boundaries? 

This man came over with no intent to consider anything about me other than my appearance, and that is the definition of objectification.  Just because I am in a public place doesn't mean I consent to be objectified.  He wanted to use me as a momentary entertainment on a day when it was an act of bravery for me just to leave the house.  I had to psych myself up just to go get * breakfast today, and I was wearing that lipstick he liked so much to make me feel like I had ownership over my own * body, which has been through so much trauma throughout the course of my life that I float through life experiencing my own flesh and blood only as a series of disconnected points of pain or tension that exist somewhere below me. 

It's not his fault he didn't know that, but here's the thing: plenty of people don't know that about me, but they pay attention to my social cues.  Plenty of people might compliment the shade of someone's lipstick or the shirt they're wearing, but anyone who's considering the fact that the person they are talking to is, in fact, A PERSON, will not continue to focus on a physical attribute for so long as the focal point of a one-sided conversation.  Most people will especially not continue to do this when the person attached to the attribute in question verbally asks to change the subject.  Most people will get the hint far before this becomes necessary by observing the discomfort of the other party.

I interrupted him in the middle of what was shaping up to be a long diatribe about shopping for lipstick with female family members, and I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything other than lipstick.  He looked surprised that I had spoken, and then continued talking about lipstick.  At this point I stood, while he kept talking about lipstick, drained my coffee even though my hands had started shaking violently, and told him I was wearing NYX if he ever wanted to recommend the lipstick to any of the female family members he apparently had in such proliferation. 

"Have I discouraged you?"  he asked.

And at the time it struck me as a bizarre choice of words, but now I see that he chose precisely the right one.  Discouraged is precisely how he made me feel. 

I stammered out something like, "Sir, I'm sorry but I just get very uncomfortable when a strange man mentions any detail of my appearance.  I'm not trying to be rude."

I called him "sir" at least three times and apologized at least as many, all while getting my things together and getting ready to go.  I don't remember what he said but finally he got the hint and just walked off. 

I was shaking really bad at this point, and really struggling not to lose verbal functioning completely.  I put my dishes in the bus tub and as I was wiping off the lipstick the woman behind the counter came over.  She was really sweet, and I was ashamed that she was seeing me so upset.  She told me that he wasn't dangerous, she knew him, he meant well which I know she didn't mean to excuse his behavior but to calm me down. 

"I just have-" I waved my arm vaguely.  "Stuff."

She kept saying things like, "you're good, be you." 

Thankfully, or not, another customer came in.  I left feeling somewhat calmer.  At least the shaking had mostly stopped. 

I was going to say I feel humiliated, which maybe on some level I do, but I just feel tired and resigned right now.  I don't have the energy to beat myself up for losing my * in public. 

I walked home feeling angry at the man more than anything.  I was angry that his lack of regard was able to upset me to this degree.  If he had been more considerate, I wouldn't have gotten triggered.  On some level he noticed my discomfort and used it to keep pushing the conversation so he could have his moment of enjoyment.  I'm not accusing him of any sadistic motivation; I don't think he enjoyed watching me squirm or anything, I just think he was doing that thing plenty of people in positions of social power do when interacting with someone who has less: leveraging discomfort to get what he wanted.

And I genuinely believe that when most of us do it, it's not even something we notice we are doing.  I'm sure I have done similar things- that is, I'm sure I have inserted myself into a space in which I did not belong and objectified someone with less social power than I have just because I've been taught that that's an OK thing to do, that there will be no retribution.  I don't think that the man who approached me today was in any way malicious or a bad person, I just think he is in a place of privilege where he is not generally FORCED to consider female feelings in the same way that many of us women are FORCED to consider male feelings.  I am proud of myself for fighting back against the social script of those interactions and prioritizing my own emotional wellbeing as someone who's struggling with mental illness that can be debilitating when I don't put my needs first. 

[Please don't comment on this post if you feel I behaved badly toward the man who approached me.  I really don't feel that I did.]

[Three Roses]

Au contraire, mon frere. If anything I think you were more than civil to someone who didn't deserve it. Perhaps he has problems of his own, yes, but that doesn't excuse his interruption of your private moments, or give him leave to hold you hostage in conversation.

In my book of etiquette, someone who is rude to you first is inviting a similar response, and only luck - not politeness - keeps them from receiving a rude answer.

There is nothing you could, should, or would have done differently to avoid his attention, imo. People like that are keen on finding a target. I hope you wear your black lipstick extra thick next time, with matching nail polish & eye shadow and a big red button that says "Go * yourself."   Have a good day,  AHTGC.

[sanmagic7]

hey, glowcloud,

this guy creeped me out just reading about him coming up to you and asking your name!  i don't like that kind of stuff at all, don't tolerate it anymore, and have discovered that my visible discomfort in no way gives any meaningful message to those kinds of people.  you were more than kind to him.  and, yeah, we have been taught that unless something is overt, or that we're in absolute danger, that we should just put up with it.  pooh on that!

one day i was taking a walk, and a man drove by me, slowed down, and made a lewd comment, then kept on driving.  it was extremely nervewracking, but i kept walking instead of going home.  after all, i wasn't 'hurt' or anything.  as i moved down the block, i noticed him turn the corner toward me, making a second pass at me.  this time, i stared at his license plate as he came closer, and was able to memorize it.  when he noticed what i was doing, he sped off.

when i got home, i called the cops (after taking a shower - i felt really dirty just from what some people might say was nothing to get upset about).  when the officer arrived, i told him what happened.  he told me that the guy was going to be charged with pandering, and a ticket issued, that what he did was wrong.  later that day, the cop called, told me that the car belonged to the guy's wife, and that's who the cop talked to about what happened, and that her hub was getting a $95 ticket.  i can only imagine what must've greeted him when he went home after work.

the point is, these people have no right to make us feel uncomfortable just because they can.  you had every right to ask him to leave you alone because you wanted to read.  that's not how friendly conversations get started, in my book.  you're right - if he wanted to chat, he'd ask if you were up for that, ask your permission to interrupt your private time. 

i don't think you behaved badly at all to this man.  you did what you had to do to survive the situation as intact as possible.  i certainly hope you never have such an experience again.  and, kudos to you for expanding your comfort zone.  quite brave and courageous of you.  well done!

(if i sound harsh about this, it's cuz i'm so tired of these people who feel they're entitled.   they make me sick.  i'm not trying to say you should have done anything different.  you did well to get out when and how you did.)

[ALLHAILTHEGLOWCLOUD]

Sanmagic, thanks for offering support around sobriety I'm not going to meetings and I don't have a sponsor, but my therapist and partner are both helping me stay accountable. I thankfully quit before getting physiologically dependent on alcohol but it was still way out of hand and physical addiction would have been inevitable if I'd kept it up. Quitting drinking sure does force you to pay attention to uncomfortable things though! Better that than letting them get worse.

Also what a scary experience with that guy. You're kind of my hero for reporting him to the cops though. I wish all creeps got fines!

Three Roses, I went back out all done up in the way you described- minus the button, which I have to say I kind of need. And this time no infringements on my personal space!

[ALLHAILTHEGLOWCLOUD]

I think I have to have a direct conversation with my therapist about the fact that he upset me a few weeks ago.  I'm really afraid of doing it. I know it's important though because it's been about a month of sessions that ready haven't been too productive.  I was hoping my feelings would just go away but that obviously doesn't work.

[sanmagic7]

hey, glowcloud,

kudos to you for going back out there in all your goth glory!  and, i'm so glad you didn't get creeped on again.  much better experience, i'm sure.

happy to hear you have good sobriety support around you.  it's here, too, if you need it.

ugh!  doesn't sound too cool with your therapist.  good for you for honoring your feelings about it.  i once heard that if we don't resolve something, it's like burying a living thing that will rise up to greet us over and over.  it sounds kind of weird, but it made an impact on me, and i never forgot it.  good luck with talking to your t about whatever happened.  all support to you with that.   i do hope it gets resolved in a pos. way.  best to you!   

[Three Roses]

Haha, I'm glad you went back!

[ALLHAILTHEGLOWCLOUD]

Today I walked into therapy and was straight up about the fact that I've felt uncomfortable opening up during sessions since we tried an exercise that triggered me about a month ago.  My therapist was totally chill about it, and I explained to him what triggered me and that I'm just too sensitive right now about anything that could feed into the cognitive distortions I had to set up around my FOO in order to continue suppressing memories of abuse.  It's been a hard year for me addressing any of this for the first time.  In the past I literally could not remember so much of my childhood.  This victory, the victory of having gained the right to slow down and deal with this in the open, still feels hard-won, and so I'm protecting it jealously even from people who are trying to help me have more peace around it.

At any rate, he understood and said it made sense that I reacted that way and that I'd have a knee-jerk reaction to protect myself.  Now that he knows about that trigger, I'm sure we'll have a more clear conversation about what to expect before approaching thought experiments like that in the future.  That conversation took all of about five minutes and I came away feeling good about it and proud of myself for being assertive without losing my *.  What I then started thinking about was just that we could have had that SAME conversation a month ago right after or even DURING the exercise that made me so upset. 

I know hindsight is 20/20, but I really wish that I had spoken up then because it would have saved me a fair amount of uncertainty over the last few weeks, not to mention I would have been getting much more out of therapy if I could have allowed myself to be vulnerable.  I'm not blaming myself for not doing that- it simply didn't occur to me as an option because of my avoidant tendencies.

This situation sort of exemplifies the issues I find myself facing on that front, though- someone I know to be trustworthy made a mistake, and I pulled back so hard that I didn't really get much out of therapy for three whole weeks!  It's one thing to get triggered, but my fear of being hurt while vulnerable caused me to react disproportionately to a situation that was resolved today during a casual 5 minute conversation.  Not everyone deserves forgiveness, but the fact is my therapist has proven himself to be caring and trustworthy countless times and has taught me a lot about empathy and listening just from the way he empathizes with and listens to me.  I was angry with him for violating my trust on some level, and then I projected it onto him so that I could feel "justified" being angry at him.  When all it took to clear the air and restore that trust was a short, assertive conversation about what specifically had triggered me and why that particular trigger was so much more upsetting than most.

It helps me to write out how this all went down, because it's not an unfamiliar pattern.  I would like to get better at "leaps of faith" emotionally- that is, reminding myself when I'm getting ready to go into full on "* everyone, they just want to hurt me, I'm gonna shut everyone out and be pissed off at everyone and everything" mode, that the people I have tentatively placed some trust in at this point in my life are generally pretty deserving of that trust.  I know, because I've cut off pretty much everyone this last year.  No more FOO.  No more toxic "friends."  Not that I had many to begin with.  I have my partner, I work with two other people sometimes, and I see my boss and my therapist and that's literally it.  So not counting my work, there's my partner and my therapist. 

Ideally in the future there will be more people, but until I can let them in in a healthy way there's not much of a point going crazy looking for friends.  This is a time in my life when I'm trying to get myself in order, and that's enough of a responsibility.  I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are very few people in my life at all right now, and all of them are here because they passed my rigid, fed-up-with-narcissists parameters.  Not that they're all unconditionally deserving of trust, but that they all DO deserve the benefit of the doubt I so rarely extend to them. 

My partner in particular spends lots of time gaining and regaining my trust, only to have me pull back when he makes a mistake that scares me.  Intimacy isn't one-sided.  Just because I don't feel very comfortable with vulnerability and intimacy doesn't mean I get to let the other person shoulder all responsibility for what happens when I feel vulnerable or intimate with them.  I am only just learning how to make the effort to show my partner I still trust him even when he triggers me.  I hope in the future that I can find a way to have a less skittish relationship with other people in general.  But today was encouraging, and a lot of what was encouraging about it was how it felt to take ownership for my side of a therapeutic relationship, and seeing the positive results that came from that.

[sanmagic7]

kudos to you, glowcloud!  you done good!

i've done these kinds of things so often in my life, finding out down the road how something could've been resolved with just a few words in a few minutes.  i have found that each time i re-learned that lesson, somehow i would get closer to doing it the next time it happened.  it's taken time, and i'm still not always spot on with it, but it's getting better.

you're in the middle of the process of learning how to do something different.  it will come at its own pace, i have no doubt.  big hug!

[ALLHAILTHEGLOWCLOUD]

I definitely feel like I'm starting to do things differently.  Significantly so.  That's cool and also scary.  I'm always happy for the reminder that persistence pays off, as it has in your case San!  I'm learning to understand my guardedness better, and learning when to let people in/keep them out.  But there is still a looooong way to go!

Tonight I challenged my agoraphobia by going to nidra yoga [sleep yoga] which is more of a guided meditation than an exercise class.  This was my first time actually taking a course at a yoga studio near my house that I've really wanted to check out for a long time now.  My goal was to visit in as calm a context as possible in the hopes that when I go next for an exercise class I'll already be familiar with the environment.  I signed up for an easy class tomorrow that is more movement based and should help me get back into the swing of things.  I used to love yoga and did it most days for awhile there in my teens- mainly while I was in inpatient.  But I've fallen out of the habit and don't remember much.  It's not like I was ever good, but I kept at it and enjoyed myself.

Nidra yoga was really different than anything I have done before.  I came out of it feeling really tired and the base of my skull is really throbbing and tense like it is when I'm activated, only I don't really feel too triggered and I might be less dissociated than normal, if anything.  I'm not sure why I feel this pain, other than perhaps I'm processing some of what came up. The meditation was like therapy.  I'm definitely going back- I am thinking of it as another form of therapy, another way that I can carve out an hour out of my week to focus on having feelings and experiencing my body.  It is more effective with repetition.  Everyone's eyes were closed, and I cried a few times.  I'm proud of myself for going and I'm really proud of myself for trying my best to seek understanding of myself and my body.  During the meditation the teacher kept reminding us that *outcome* should not be our focus, but *process.*  It really helped me get in touch with who I really am, with my life force, which is the point of this sort of yoga.  She asked us to focus on sensations like heaviness and weight, hot and cold, and then pain, which was overwhelming to me but beneficial, and then while I was still reeling from that she asked us to focus on pleasure.  There was a lot of focus on contradictions coexisting peacefully, and I was reminded that I am not my emotions or my past or my sensations- these things only offer information about my experience.  My body has recorded much more information about pain than pleasure, but that doesn't make it an instrument for measuring pain alone.  It has also been the only source of all the happiness and pleasure I have ever had. 

TRIGGER WARNING- ABUSE MENTION

At the end of the meditation, we were instructed to imagine finding a church or temple that felt peaceful and holy and sitting down inside.  Then to think of the first name that entered our head- this was our spirit guide.  The name that came to mind was not one I welcomed; it was my father's name.  The name of the man who embodied abuse and misogyny to me growing up, who was neglectful and drunk and verbally vicious, who belittled me at every turn and sexually abused me.  Despite my confusion and revulsion, I stayed with the image of him sitting down on another bench inside the church.  I stayed with my feelings and let them pass.  I felt calmer and then I felt proud of myself for realizing that I can learn something from this person who hurt me so much- I can take something for myself out of everything he took from me.  We were instructed to ask our spirit guide a question, and I asked "Why are you here?" 

But it wasn't my father who answered.  I was the one who answered.  He never opened his mouth or looked at me.  I was picturing him as a younger, fitter, happier man, more relaxed than I've ever seen him.  His ideal self.  And somehow that was empowering to me.  I didn't feel hate toward him, but I also didn't really feel love.  My feelings concerned only myself.  That was the huge thing: I was able to picture this person voluntarily and get something out of it, when usually I only picture him in involuntary flashbacks or violent dreams. 

I realized there were many answers to the question I asked him.  He was there because he was my father, and I always used to go to him for guidance even though he never once met my needs in that respect.  He was there because he abused me so badly that now I think about him every day whether I want to or not.  He was there because I am looking for him behind every pair of kind eyes I try to look into.  He was there because he shaped so much of my experience. 

And, too, he was there because I could handle him being there without judging myself.  Without panicking, without hating myself, without trying to understand what it meant.  He was there because in that moment I was able to accept that he is one of the ghosts that haunts me, and I was able to stay curious not about him but about what matters: my relationship to him. 

I don't talk to my father.  I don't condone or forgive him for any of his horrific behavior toward me.  But he's not going to just go away because he makes me uncomfortable.  He comes up all the time and it seems he never pops up on my terms- but tonight in meditation, that's precisely what happened.  My worst fear came into fruition: my father appearing in my head at a time when I am trying to relax.  And you know what?  I stayed relaxed.  I got something out of it.  I more deeply accept and understand that this is going to happen, and it makes sense that it does, and that I am capable of getting something good out of it for myself.  I didn't have to shove my emotions down, either.  I just let them pass.

We were then instructed to imagine leaving the church or temple, and to imagine that there was a little table by the door.  If there was anything on the table, then it meant the spirit guide had left us a gift.  I unwrapped a silver circlet.  We had just talked about a band around the head that has to do with glandular function [I don't know much about yoga, I can't remember the exact context!] and this made me think of that in terms of bodily regulation, but also a unified mind from back to front, and of course the obvious connotation of rulership. 

It felt very empowering to receive that symbol from the symbol of my father.  I felt so grateful that deep parts of me have incorporated these associations when my more conscious mind still struggles with them.  At the same time I reminded myself: that crown was never his to begin with.  It always belonged to me.  And he never really took it, he just hurt me so badly that I've had to hide it and many other parts of myself away so well that even I can't always remember where.  And I didn't need him to give it back to me, and this exercise was really me giving it back to me. 

We were told to imagine going outside and watching a farmer till the earth, and then feeling the earth and planting seeds in it that represented our desires for ourselves.  My seeds were the wishes to embrace uncertainty, to learn to feel my body and emotions again, plenty of other inarticulate wishes that manifested in unusual somatic sensations, and then I buried the silver circlet that I'd been given alongside them.  I want my empowerment to grow.  I want my understanding to grow.  A holistic understanding that can be done with the body and the spirit, not just the mind.

I could go into the rest of it, but there was kind of a lot.  That was just a very helpful part. 

And last night I dreamed about my father, too.  I dreamed he cornered me in a room, but I wasn't afraid.  I kept my adult body in the dream.  When he tried to manipulate me or grab me, I fought him and hurt him and won, and it wasn't hard.  It was a good dream. 

[sanmagic7]

wow!  what a powerful experience.  i'm gonna look this up, see if i can use it for myself.  it may help me put some of those missing pieces back in place.  well done, glowcloud.  so very cool!

[Three Roses]

Love this post of yours, ahtgc!

[ALLHAILTHEGLOWCLOUD]

Sanmagic, there are apparently good resources free online and even apps that lead you through similar guided meditations.  "Yoga nidra" and "sleep yoga" are good terms to try. I'd offer a link, but I haven't yet tried any just because I'm thinking I need a few days off from deep somatic exercises after therapy and yoga nidra the last two days!

Another thing I thought I'd mention is that yoga nidra has been proven to help treat PTSD in combat veterans.