*Trigger Warning* Therapist told me not to call abuser "an abuser"

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sanmagic7

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Re: *Trigger Warning* Therapist told me not to call abuser "an abuser"
« Reply #15 on: February 15, 2017, 05:51:09 AM »
you go, fen!  you can be very proud of yourself - if it was up to me, i'd be proud of you, too.  great work!  i can feel your empowerment through your writing.  excellent job.  with you all the way!

it's too bad there's no professional governing body, but it sounds like you've found a way to take her to task, and i'm very glad about that.  please let us know what happens.  even if nothing can be done, you know in your heart that you took some very brave, strong, and special steps to right a major wrong, not only to yourself but to who knows how many others that could get caught up in this very same trap.  bravo!

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Fen Starshimmer

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Re: *Trigger Warning* Therapist told me not to call abuser "an abuser"
« Reply #16 on: February 16, 2017, 09:16:41 PM »
Sanmagic, you and others at OOTS are what's got the ball rolling, giving me confidence. You are very special people.

Today, I took another big step. I reported one of my abusers to the police. They were very interested, took down lots of details and will be investigating. The abuser who my T said not to call "an abuser" came up in the conversation and they asked me for his name. I feel quite overwhelmed by the understanding and support I received from the police interviewer... I am so not used to that, and didn't expect it from the police. I am not used to receiving praise for how I handle things  :sadno: No judgement or invalidation. Was told I am very brave. Been feeling quite emotional. 

I am still waiting for a response from the professional organisation about my T. Will post when I get some news. I am not giving up on this!

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Three Roses

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Re: *Trigger Warning* Therapist told me not to call abuser "an abuser"
« Reply #17 on: February 16, 2017, 10:52:00 PM »
Wow! You go!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

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Fen Starshimmer

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Re: *Trigger Warning* Therapist told me not to call abuser "an abuser"
« Reply #18 on: February 28, 2017, 09:39:22 PM »
Thanks Three Roses  :)

Lots has been going on.... The professional body who awarded my T a certificate said they would contact her directly about the matter I raised. It also turned out she had advertised her qualification incorrectly.

I was interviewed at home by two police officers a week ago, and I have to say - they were great! I was a bit nervous initially, wondering what to expect. It turned out to be a man in uniform with a gentle energy about him, and a stern looking woman in plain clothes. They listened to everything I had to say about the two abusers I'd reported over the phone. They wanted to hear all the details and made no judgement, occasionally making little sighs and asking questions. They were more human than I expected. I went on quite a bit about the effects, the CPTSD, and after a while it began to feel as if I was sitting in therapy with them. They were interested in what other therapies I'd tried/received, as well as my former T. By the end - an hour later - I felt a great sense of unburdening that I've never felt in any therapy. It was like a great weight had lifted off my shoulders, a kind of release. Perhaps because no one has ever asked to hear my story in full. Perhaps because I have never felt safe enough to tell my whole story. Perhaps because I have FINALLY (over twenty five years later) been HEARD. It's not a secret any more, AND action can be taken to protect the public. My conscience is clear. My story is too crazy-sounding for normal people. But they were OK with it.

I am waiting for them to find out whether these two abusers are still alive and whether they could still be a danger to me and society. I hope I won't have to wait too long, because it's on my mind all the time. I don't want to go through a court case. That would be too traumatising. I know how cruel defence barristers can be, and the low conviction rates for rape in court. I hope the police can find another way.


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sanmagic7

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Re: *Trigger Warning* Therapist told me not to call abuser "an abuser"
« Reply #19 on: March 01, 2017, 05:11:02 PM »
wow, fen, what a phenomenal experience on so many levels!  i'm ecstatic for you that you were shown such kindness, caring, and validation from the police - what a blessing!  and, here's hoping that your t gets what she deserves - i don't especially wish bad things to happen to anyone, but there are consequences that i believe deserve to be meted out for neg. behaviors. 

how courageous of you to follow through on all this.  you are a shining star in a black sky of manipulation, false pretenses, and taking advantage of.  you go!!!  here's to more healing experiences along the way!   cheers!

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Fen Starshimmer

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Re: *Trigger Warning* Therapist told me not to call abuser "an abuser"
« Reply #20 on: March 05, 2017, 10:25:16 PM »
Thanks Sanmagic  :)

I still can't get over how kind the police were to me. I am still quite overwhelmed by their response....I've never had that response from anyone, and especially not my former T, who, while telling me not to judge other people, made negative assumptions about me without knowing all the facts (!) She always did most of the talking, which I suppose suited me, as I don't normally like talking about myself.   

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and, here's hoping that your t gets what she deserves - i don't especially wish bad things to happen to anyone, but there are consequences that i believe deserve to be meted out for neg. behaviors.,
I think so too Sanmagic. I hope she gets a wake up call from this. She could be harming others in a similar way, is probably undermining other victims/survivors. At the end of my interview with the police, they asked for her details, saying they needed to speak to her. I wonder what's happened there?

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how courageous of you to follow through on all this.  you are a shining star in a black sky of manipulation, false pretenses, and taking advantage of. 
Thankyou San. It's OOTS that got me started, gave me the idea of reporting her, gave me the confidence to talk about it offline with authorities. All thanks to you guys......Keeping fingers crossed that something good will come from this.

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sanmagic7

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Re: *Trigger Warning* Therapist told me not to call abuser "an abuser"
« Reply #21 on: March 05, 2017, 10:44:35 PM »
something already has.  look at you, fen.  what an example for others, what an inspiration.  it doesn't get much better than that!

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Blueberry

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Re: *Trigger Warning* Therapist told me not to call abuser "an abuser"
« Reply #22 on: March 05, 2017, 11:18:24 PM »
Wow, fen! I second sanmagic's last two posts. I can't put it better than her. You are so brave!

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Fen Starshimmer

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Re: *Trigger Warning* Therapist told me not to call abuser "an abuser"
« Reply #23 on: March 25, 2017, 11:15:50 PM »
Thank you Blueberry and Sanmagic for your lovely words. It is heartwarming to hear your thoughts.... I hope my positive experience will embolden others to report serious offences to the police, even those that are historical. I don't know whether I was just lucky with the officers who interviewed me. The ones who visited me seemed trained in trauma/abuse. I think they were linked to a specialist sexual assault referral centre or unit. I think reporting can help get closure, and become an important part of the healing and recovery process. Even if you decide not to pursue a court case, the police will have been made aware of the individual(s), and this could help prevent further copycat crimes. I am hoping to hear from the police soon, as to whether or not the two abusers/perpetrators are still alive. It's a waiting game still. Need to know so that I can move on... one way or another.




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sanmagic7

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Re: *Trigger Warning* Therapist told me not to call abuser "an abuser"
« Reply #24 on: March 26, 2017, 10:26:33 AM »
fen, every time one of us reports a wrong, a message is being sent out into the universe and by sending that message, no matter what comes of it, we strengthen ourselves against further wounds and damage.  we also, as you said, let it be known that this has been reported at least once, and the next report will add weight to it. 

i hope you find your closure soon.  if not from outside of you, from within.  you did real good!

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Fen Starshimmer

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Re: *Trigger Warning* Therapist told me not to call abuser "an abuser"
« Reply #25 on: March 26, 2017, 11:30:11 PM »
Thank you Sanmagic, you seem to really get it.

It came to me over the last week, that I have been desperately seeking closure (without realising it) for many years, and not getting it from working with my last T or other Ts, or anyone. Contacting the police was therapeutic but their work is not over yet...  I nearly got part of my story published in a national magazine this week after I called them and sent in an overview. I thought publication would help me attain closure. It all fell apart when the features editor sent me specific questions about what happened, and the truth, which I couldn't gloss over, was obviously too shocking for them, and they turned their backs on me. Wouldn't even talk to me.  :doh: Then I contacted an online publication which is run by academics and therapists specialising in the area I want to talk about. I thought they might be able to handle it, find it interesting and maybe provide some analysis and insights as well... The guy running the organisation got back to me saying they are always looking for cases that may be relevant to the field they are presenting, 'please send in your story'. Great! But now I have got cold feet... Perhaps I will send in a toned down version, or a snippet of my story that is safe, and use a pseudonym (??) Decisions, decisions....

At least the headaches and brain fog are easing up thanks to the medicine I've got to fight off the meningitis. That should help me get some clarity on what to do. I could alternatively, fictionalise my story (change the names of people and places) and send it to a literary magazine instead. That might be a safer bet, with no harm coming to anyone. I could also use my real name and get some recognition as a crime author (with a bit of the supernatural thrown in perhaps :) ). Hmmmm.... :Idunno:

Hope you had a good weekend Sanmagic. You take care too  :hug:

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lisbeth

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Re: *Trigger Warning* Therapist told me not to call abuser "an abuser"
« Reply #26 on: May 13, 2017, 01:13:15 AM »
she should have her license taken away - how dare she tell you it's "self-abuse" no one chooses to be sexually abused as a child!  I would report her.  So sorry you experienced that, no one should be attacked by their therapist like that. 

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sanmagic7

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Re: *Trigger Warning* Therapist told me not to call abuser "an abuser"
« Reply #27 on: May 18, 2017, 05:24:58 AM »
i know it's been a while - been a bit busy - but just wanted to say that however you feel is best for you in getting closure with this is always the best way to do it. 

too bad we can't write  a book for others on our stories and perseverance, determination, and how the support of everyone here has helped us survive and heal.  i'm sure there are a lot more out there like us who could benefit from knowing there is a way out.

in the meantime, you keep going.  i think you're doing so good with all this!  glad the meds are starting to kick in and you're feeling a bit clearer, more focused.  i hope everything turns out exactly the way you want it to.  love and hugs, fen

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Fen Starshimmer

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Re: *Trigger Warning* Therapist told me not to call abuser "an abuser"
« Reply #28 on: June 30, 2017, 03:45:36 PM »
Hi Lisbeth,
Nice to meet you. Sorry for the delay in replying. I took a break from lots of things recently to give myself the chance to kick out the meningitis, which kept coming back with a vengeance when I started doing any kind of exercise.

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she should have her license taken away - how dare she tell you it's "self-abuse" no one chooses to be sexually abused as a child!  I would report her.  So sorry you experienced that, no one should be attacked by their therapist like that.

I don't think she has had her licence removed, but at least the police are aware of her. She clearly has no understanding of the effects of childhood sexual abuse. I was 23 years old when I was groomed and trapped, raped, by this abuser (referred to in my post), and had just escaped from a stalker who imprisoned me etc etc over many months. I wish therapists like this woman would stop pretending they can help victims and survivors when they can't, in fact they actually cause more harm than good.

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Fen Starshimmer

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Re: *Trigger Warning* Therapist told me not to call abuser "an abuser"
« Reply #29 on: June 30, 2017, 04:14:29 PM »
Dear Sanmagic,

Thank you for checking up on me and your ongoing moral support.

I am sorry it's been so long since I dropped by OOTS. I suffered some set backs in my recovery from meningitis and my concentration and ability to read and write dropped. I'm taking things very easy now (no exercise) and that seems to be helping - my head is clearer for longer now.

There have been two police investigations regarding the two abusers. The first one (London-based) has still not been traced or identified. His name is too common apparently, and we don't have an address. But the Met are keeping the file on a 'pending more info' basis in case new info is discovered. They were so kind to me. And the other police force in a neighbouring county to where I live, concerning abuser number two, is due to interview me next week. I don't know any more than that.

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too bad we can't write  a book for others on our stories and perseverance, determination, and how the support of everyone here has helped us survive and heal.  i'm sure there are a lot more out there like us who could benefit from knowing there is a way out.

San, I would still love to write this book (with your backing) and have not discarded the idea. I am excited to share with you that a short story I wrote about my journey of healing and recovery has been published in an anthology compiled by a children's charity. The book was released a few days ago by a US publisher. And now, I am in the middle of signing a publishing agreement to write an illustrated novelette. The publisher specialises in stories of hope for abused youth and adults abused as kids. I have already written more than half this story (fiction), much of which is based on my own life experiences and understanding of how child abuse creates problems in adulthood.  If this book is a success, the publisher is sure to be open to more ideas from me, and would be interested in another book that would help people like us. San, I will mention this to him when I speak to him next week. He is such a lovely guy, a man who understands because he's been through it himself and come out the other side.

You keep going too Sanmagic. I look forward to checking out your posts and seeing how you are, what you have been doing recently.

 :hug: