Feeling rubbish but should be feeling positive

[Eyessoblue]

Hi everyone, this morning I went for a session of cbt talking about being compassionate to myself, self soothing etc.  I was full of ideas in there and contributed well as to how I can help myself. I get home and have a complete meltdown about I don't even know what, I drink a bottle of wine and have a binge eating session followed by feelings of anger and suicide.  What the * is wrong with me?? Why am I acting/feeling like this? Feeling very on edge and agitated at the moment, haven't felt like this in a long time.

[Three Roses]

First of all,

Sounds like you and your T may have touched on something in your session that left you feeling raw. Can you contact T and ask for input/ideas?

Lastly,

[Eyessoblue]

Thank you ThreeRoses. Yes I guess you are right, had a really bad nightmare last night too which I haven't had in a while, so something's going on! I can contact her if I need to, I'll see how today goes then take a view on it then.

[Hope66]

Hi Eyessoblue,
Really sorry to hear you've had a tough time, and hope you are ok today. 
Hope 

[woodsgnome]

I know all those feelings well, Eyessoblue. Positive session, lousy aftermath.

Several things could be going on...starting with the inner critic's nagging: "you know you really don't deserve this." First, realize its clever ways to sneak into anything at all positive; that's threatening to its hold on you.

Next, it's easy to relax into thinking a session's work is done, and then comes the world. So maybe give up expecting an outcome, but pull out the stops regardless; something will eventually stick from all the work regardless of one bad day after.

I've been there, though...years back I think I bailed out of therapy too easily because of it...this time is different, including sometimes when I feel awful at therapy and better after, the reverse from what I 'expected'.

So much of what goes on in this vein is strange, even contradictory. I have a little motto: "fortitude in distress"; which was once a saying used by a group of explorers. That's what we're doing--exploring, with hope that eventually we'll find that gap around the obstacles.

Bottom line--there's nothing wrong with you; it was bad, you know it, and it's a new day. What you learned in that session about self-compassion may well be absorbing into your system and it will still flower into its beautiful essence, and you'll know you deserve it. Umm...correction--you deserve it now!

[Eyessoblue]

Thank you for your replies. Yes think I just find it hard trying to find the compassion for me, there's something inside that tells me not to go there and just leave everything be, I think once it's all opened up and I find time for'me' it's going to be a struggle, but I am determined to tackle it, no matter how hard it's going to be.

[Autumn_Dryad]

I have to admit, I'm struggling with the idea of counting blessings and having compassion & forgiveness whenever I feel upset. Its like I've been denied the right to be angry or assertive all my life, so now further avoiding or suppressing anger is just perpetuating further abuse against me.

Has anyone heard of any kind of anger therapy in which expression of justified anger is considered constructive?

[Blueberry]

My trauma therapist allows me to get angry. I say things like: "I am NOT the family garbage dump!"

Anger is an important emotion, it depends how we express it, that's all. I need it to set limits. I mean I need the feeling of anger in me to realise that I need to set a limit or I need to protect myself, or I need to change something in my life.

[JamesG]

I think that the normality can be very frightnening if you hit it. I realised the other day that it has been so long since I was carefree and so programmed that I will be shot down if I got near that, that I just freeze and go into reverse. It's pretty normal I think, it's wrong but it's normal. Also you are picking off the scabs in therapy and sometimes it's early. The skin underneath is pretty sensitive. Try to see it as wearing in great new shoes, there may be blisters, but they are fab, and you'll wear them with pleasure once you get used to them. It's always so much easier if you expect the pain.

The family garbage dump, totally. I hear you loud and clear.