Got the cause of my EF wrong....

[keepfighting]

I've been having an EF since the beginning of this week; have been lying awake for hours each night, desperately trying to fall back asleep... each night I slept a little less than the night before and I tried CBT to lay my worries to rest before going to sleep and anything else I could think of (...in daytime, mainly 'flight' responses, going to the gym, keeping myself busy in the house and the garden...) --- nothing worked.

So, earlier today I was starting to type about this here - and while I was typing it hit me that I had gotten the cause of my EF wrong (...I am terrible at 'reading' my own needs emotions  ):

The contract of my h is about to expire and there is no new one in sight right now and I thought that I was panicking because of the insecure financial situation. So I was working on soothing that worry; telling myself that we are prepared for that and that something will come along etc etc. (Money problems were abundant in my FOO and caused a lot of horrible scenes and fights).

But then it hit me: The cause of my EF is not the financial situation; it's the prospect of h being jobless and at home for a while.

The thing is, many of my worst memories of my whole life happened while my  NF was jobless and at home. Trigger warning His verbal and physical violence escalated to the point where I feared for my life and my Lost Child little brother fled from home in the middle of the night, not once, but several times (he had to endure most of the physical attacks).

After that incident when I seriously feared for my life, my panic attacks and sleeping disorders started for real. I was 21 years old and studying at uni at the time and after that night, I couldn't stand to be alone in the house any more - not even in daytime. Only after living in a safe and stable environment for several years (with my h and kids) and T was I able to be by myself in the house again...

So now I know what started this EF and why soothing my fears of financial insecurity was ineffective... it wasn't the right cause of the EF.

I wonder how I can learn to read my emotions better so I can get to the correct cause of the EF straight away and not waste an entire week trying to soothe the wrong fears. (And a week is nothing: Last time I had an EF, it took almost 7 weeks for me to figure out what actually caused it - and then I figured it out by the merest coincidence ). Any tips are very welcome!

Before I forget: My h is nothing like my father - there is no reason for me to worry about that in the here and now.

Has anyone else experienced an EF and gotten the cause that started it wrong? - I feel like such an idiot and had a good cry while typing.

Thank you for reading.

[Rain]

Please, oh please, oooohhhh please no "idiot thinking"

You do feel what you feel ...but you are clearly no idiot!!

I'm not going to be help here, as I personally do not focus on EFs ...I just know my body is processing.   It IS valuable for most people, but I had a childhood brimming with the "absence of" ...so EFs are "silence" "empty rooms" etc. ...many bullies, but they are a bunch of hurt kids too that hit me.

I can send you a hug, and admire you.

[Sandals]

dear kf,

first off, like Rain said, please, no "idiot" thinking or any other put down. Really. It's just a left over from the original stuff which I know you're trying to be freed from.

second, given everything you said here, I do agree with you; certainly your childhood situation would be very triggering. I also agree with your original assessment, that your husband's employment uncertainty was a part. I think that the first is bigger, more potent than the immediate cause, but I believe they both played a part.

Your question about figuring out the cause of your EF hit me. Yes, I think for myself, it is sometimes very tough to pinpoint the actual cause, and I often get it wrong. And when the universe, my own mind or something someone else says seems to generate that "aha" moment, I spend lots of time mucking around in self soothing, or mindless distractions when that fails.

I would also like to say that I think there is a larger issue here as well. Not everyone has the desire or capacity to figure out the underlying cause of their EF or other problems. I think those that try, assume a certain mindset, which is a "fix-it" perspective. Here's a problem, where's the solution? People who are analytical often fall into thinking the solutions will be clear and easily recognized. At least that's because we want them to be. When they aren't, we have to dig deeper, and deeper, and sometimes get lost in a big "goulash" of memories which don't have a clear exit.  So, when we fail, or are wrong, even in our own eyes, we declare ourselves derogatory names. That's so unhelpful.

HUGE to BH.

As Rain & BH both said, I get that the "idiot" thinking is part of the original stuff and it's hard to not say...I do it a lot still, too, but given what you have just told us and the insight you've derived, not a single part of it is "idiot" at all.

I often dive head-first into the analytical side, too. My mind will go on a high-speed car race like this: "What's the trigger, what am I feeling emotionally, what is my body feeling, what is my environment (have I eaten, drank enough water, is it warm, is it cold, etc.), on and on. It's exhausting, especially when I can't find the pattern or source of it. Quite often, I can't find it, which leads me to the state of self-hate and then randomly trying different things to soothe.

Putting my vulnerability forward here, when I was talking to my T yesterday, she asked when the most intense feelings of pain would arise. And I was so very ashamed to admit that they happened when I was around my children. Why they would cause this (if they're even causing it) or why they trigger me, would be like going down a rabbit hole. I can tell myself that I'm a horrible mom for this happening, or I can tell myself that I'll cease being a horrible mom if I can find the reason...but what if I can't do that?

This is why I like the approach my T is taking in terms of building up self-love as a priority instead of trying to solve. And it's oh so very foreign and non-rational for me. But it's so beautiful and powerful when it lands.

Grant yourself the same compassion you would to your child, your husband and anyone else you feel close to. Give yourself a great big hug and say, "nice going." 

kf - you are so worthy of compassion and love. I hope you can feel this hug I'm giving you and that you'll give one to your IC, too. 

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi keepfighting, I can only say "same here" to what everyone else has said. I'm impressed that you figured the root cause out at all. I sometimes find myself neatly curving around such realizations even when I'm very close to making them: "no no no, this could be too painful". It's like being afraid to look under a carpet for fear of what I'll find. So having the courage to face this at all is - wow. Kudos to you.

No advice on EFs, for the same reason Rain hasn't got any. I wish you all the best on your journey.

[keepfighting]

Thank you all for responding so quickly. 

The fact that I didn't respond doesn't mean that I haven't appreciated the responses - I've actually been rereading them several times now and been thinking them through for the past 3 days.

Tonight was the first night in about 10 days that I've actually gotten a full night's sleep again. Progress!

Please, oh please, oooohhhh please no "idiot thinking"

This made me laugh out loud the moment I read it and I kept chuckling the whole evening. Thanks for getting my feet back on the ground, Rain. 

Putting my vulnerability forward here, when I was talking to my T yesterday, she asked when the most intense feelings of pain would arise. And I was so very ashamed to admit that they happened when I was around my children. Why they would cause this (if they're even causing it) or why they trigger me, would be like going down a rabbit hole. I can tell myself that I'm a horrible mom for this happening, or I can tell myself that I'll cease being a horrible mom if I can find the reason...but what if I can't do that?

Thank you for sharing. I do not think that you are a horrible mom for being triggered by your children. Do you know why they trigger you? My children have sometimes triggered me because I could see in their carefree and childlike innocence the difference with my own childhood and it made me feel sorry myself, for never being allowed to be a 'normal' child and a 'normal' teenager. It wasn't that I didn't want my kids to have all we could offer them, it was just that it made me sad to witness the difference to my own experiences in my FOO and how easy it would have been for my parents to give me a 'normal' home. Just a bit of love and fulfilling their basic needs is enough to be 'good parents', really.

I sometimes find myself neatly curving around such realizations even when I'm very close to making them: "no no no, this could be too painful". It's like being afraid to look under a carpet for fear of what I'll find. 

I guess that's what I was doing - trying to avoid the bigger pain by concentrating on the lesser one...

second, given everything you said here, I do agree with you; certainly your childhood situation would be very triggering. I also agree with your original assessment, that your husband's employment uncertainty was a part. I think that the first is bigger, more potent than the immediate cause, but I believe they both played a part.

I thought about this a lot and I've tried soothing both parts of my anxiety these past few days. I think it helped. 

Your question about figuring out the cause of your EF hit me. Yes, I think for myself, it is sometimes very tough to pinpoint the actual cause, and I often get it wrong. And when the universe, my own mind or something someone else says seems to generate that "aha" moment, I spend lots of time mucking around in self soothing, or mindless distractions when that fails.

I would also like to say that I think there is a larger issue here as well. Not everyone has the desire or capacity to figure out the underlying cause of their EF or other problems. I think those that try, assume a certain mindset, which is a "fix-it" perspective. Here's a problem, where's the solution? People who are analytical often fall into thinking the solutions will be clear and easily recognized. At least that's because we want them to be. When they aren't, we have to dig deeper, and deeper, and sometimes get lost in a big "goulash" of memories which don't have a clear exit.  So, when we fail, or are wrong, even in our own eyes, we declare ourselves derogatory names. That's so unhelpful.

Grant yourself the same compassion you would to your child, your husband and anyone else you feel close to. Give yourself a great big hug and say, "nice going." 

That is such a great analysis! So very enlightening and helpful to me! 

It's hard to stop the analytical thinking, though, isn't it? It's part of our nature so we'll have to find a way to work with it and not let it work against us...

Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts and reminding me to be good to myself. I appreciated all of your inputs greatly. 

[schrödinger's cat]

I rather enjoy the phrase "big goulash of memory". Absolutely. I only skimmed that paragraph the first time, but the point is well made, that some EFs may not have "the" one cause, that it can be a whole mishmash of issues, and that it's okay to not figure things out in a fast, clean-cut, absolutely certain way. So thanks for pointing that out, BeHea1thy.

[Rain]

This made me laugh out loud the moment I read it and I kept chuckling the whole evening. Thanks for getting my feet back on the ground, Rain.     

And, I am sooooo laughing, and so loving your response, keepfighting!  How many times in my life have I said just what you did, on "feeling like an idiot"!   

Yup, No "idiot thinking" allowed at OOTS!!   New rule.  ha!

Onward!!     

[keepfighting]

Yup, No "idiot thinking" allowed at OOTS!!   New rule.  ha!

We should also get it printed on our coffee mugs to remind us each morning 

[Butterfly]

Wow that's huge! It takes a while to work the kinks out and get to the real root of EF. It's good you're getting better at it and can take a step back and dig deeper. Progress!