Nightmare *Triggers probably*

[abcdefghijohnnyz]

Hi.

Very bad dream last night. Might be the worst I've had. Certainly the worst since the nightmares I had almost ten years ago right after the kidnapping had just happened.

When I woke up I freaked out on my boyfriend when he tried to hug and comfort me. Couldn't stand him touching me. Crying, hyperventilating,

I feel so lonely. I have a lot of self-destructive cravings right now for my old bad habits. But the worst I am actually going to do today is smoke a cigarette.

I have to go to work today, I have to function and act normal. And it just feels so stupid and incomprehensible right now. It's just like, wheee I'm a kidnapping and rape survivor who just had a gnarly vivid dream about rape and kidnapping, now I get to act normal and be a good customer service person for minimum wage.



Life feels like such a joke sometimes.  It's hard to know why I even bother. But I put a lot of work into being a healthy non-suicidal person who doesn't do drugs anymore, and I know that I usually actually like being alive, so I guess today I'll just grin and bear it.

[sanmagic7]

hey, johnny, sometimes just to 'grin and bear it' can be a lot.  congrats to you for leaving the drugs alone.  well done.  sorry about the nightmare - it sounds horrible.   i hope the rest of your day goes well, and you have a better night's sleep tonight.  hugs.

[abcdefghijohnnyz]

Update: a flare-up of my ulcerative colitis "rescued" me from having to go to work. So, sick day. Not fun dealing with my symptoms but it is good to have an excuse to rest.

[sanmagic7]

funny how that works sometimes!  i love those kinds of interventions.  enjoy your rest.