Well Hello There Ya'll

[WeFallToRiseAgain]

I don't really know how to do one of these things, or even if I should. I usually commit to things and then find them overwhelming or make up excuses to get out of participating. There's really no other stress reliever in the word as therapeutic to me as canceling plans, but that's not healthy so I'm trying. I hope to use this in conjunction with EMDR therapy I'm currently undergoing for C-PTSD. After years of learned helplessness and hypervigilance, of shame and terrible self worth; years of seeing therapists that stuck me with labels such as  A.D.D, O.C.D, depression, and anxiety, I finally have an answer. I began seeking help at the behest of my husband and best friends. My anxiety and depression, which I thought I had control of, had boiled over, causing a fog that would not lift. I thought I was handling it fine. But that's what C-PTSD does, it's a beautiful liar. It uses your past against you and tells you this is all you deserve, this is all you will get. Right now I'm feeling like i have the upper hand, which most of you know doesn't happen very often. So, where to start, I don't have a healthy understanding of boundaries, of how much I should share, or which words I should hold in, but I've read a few entries so here it is.
When I was four years old, My Father, who has Bipolar disorder, attempted to kill my mother and myself. This is my first memory. It set the platform for our entire tumultuous relationship. There are many more incidences, but that is the main one.
This has caused a ripple effect well into my adulthood. Twenty one years later, and I'm just scraping the tip of the iceberg behind all of this. I didn't realize how this contributes to my self isolation, my hostility, my fear of causing any person harm to the point that i will almost always make myself uncomfortable before hurting anyone's feelings, and self fulfilled prophecies. I can handle some situations like a well adjusted adult, while other things cause me to either freeze or I will act like a six year old, there's no in-between. I'm nearly always on high alert, I'm terrified of the dark, and sometimes things make me so angry I can feel it in my marrow. However, right now, finally taking some steps to overcome this psychological injury, I feel pretty close to okay. Even if I'm panicking a little before going into work. I'm happy to have found others who understand, a tribe that is there for one another. Because while today, i may be okay, I never know about tomorrow. None of us do. Knowing this is here, is pretty fantastic.



Also, i may not reply quickly because when I go home tonight, I wont have access to wifi, but feel more than welcome to send me an Email.

[Inky]

Hello there and welcome! I'm very new here as well but I wanted to respond because your post resonated so strongly. First off, I immediately identified with the delicious comfort of cancelling plans. I just cancelled my therapy appointment this afternoon for no other reason than I needed to go home, get in bed and surf the internet. There is a great weight lifted when I cancel plans.
*****trigger warning for content below******
Second, and I'm prob over sharing too cause I haven't even introduced myself on this board, my dad tried to kill my mom when I was 10. I did not witness it, thank god, but I apparently interrupted the attack unwittingly. I was called to testify in court and it was a big mess. Like you, it has caused a ripple effect into adulthood that I'm still grappling with at 41 years old.
*************
So that's it - just wanted to thank you for describing the relief of canceling plans. It's something I didn't even recognize in myself until I saw it here on the page. And thank you for being brave enough to share your experience. It has helped me feel not so alone. I hope I and others on this board can bring you comfort and connection

[Rebel62]

I think that sometimes just the thought of doing something, especially if it is something new, is so overwhelming, that making that choice to cancel has the effect of reducing stress. I find myself that if I am supposed to do something that I am not overly excited about, canceling it is empowering. It's an interesting thought, I've never really thought about it before.

I witnessed the attempted murder of my mother by my father when I was 10 years old. It wasn't the first or last memory, but it was one of the most extreme memories I have.

Welcome to both of you. I come here pretty sporadically and actually delete more posts than I submit. There are a lot of very helpful people on here! You're in good company!

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome! Your post - and the answering posts too  - really resonated with me as well. Especially:

I don't really know how to do one of these things, or even if I should. I usually commit to things and then find them overwhelming or make up excuses to get out of participating....I can handle some situations like a well adjusted adult, while other things cause me to either freeze or I will act like a six year old, there's no in-between.... I'm nearly always on high alert, I'm happy to have found others who understand, a tribe that is there for one another. Because while today, i may be okay, I never know about tomorrow.

You said this so well! My reaction was, "Man! That's so me!"

Thanks for joining and posting! Every voice helps.

[willowlater]

Hi, I'm also new here and am definitely with you on the stress relief of cancelling plans. I've gotten better about it over the years, but for a while it got to the point where my closest friends would stop inviting me to things because they figured I wouldn't come, or got frustrated by the lack of following through on commitments.

I'm at a point in my treatment where it's tough to balance avoiding the "patient" role with times when I genuinely feel too overwhelmed to leave the apartment. I don't like having them think of me as a flake, but I also am reluctant to play the anxiety card (for lack of a better phrase).

Does anyone else struggle with this? I also have a tendency to get paranoid and preoccupied with negative feelings others may have towards me, which may exacerbate the situation when I cancel. So I always feel relieved to be staying home, but definitely get anxious about how other people view it

WeFallToRiseAgain, everything else you wrote really resonates with me as well. Boundary issues, high alert, terrified of the dark. Misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother for the first 13 years of my life, and its taken 11 years since then to get to a point where I feel I deserve to live (10 years of therapy, now almost three years of intensive inpatient/outpatient treatment). It's a long process, but writing about it here is a great step forward

[Three Roses]

...and the same hearty welcome to you,  willowlater! ♡

[WeFallToRiseAgain]

Hello everyone, sorry it's been a while. I'm just now getting access to internet.

Inky: I'm glad to hear that someone else enjoys canceling plans. I think a lot of it has to do with control. We didn't have much control over the things that have happened to us so we exercise what little control we have in day to day situations. My biggest thing growing up was food. I weighed 89 pounds until I turned eighteen and met the man who would become my future husband. Now I've noticed its bled into canceling plans.  Like for example, over the weekend I was supposed to have an Anime date with a group of friends. We planned to cook Korean food, drink marble sodas, paint toe nails, watch a new Anime series- the whole nine. However when my best friend found out about this, she became extremely upset with me, even though we work together and I see her three days a week. Now, I know the logical step would have been to explain that I love her and the fact that I didn't think to invite her wasn't a reflection of my feelings for her, I just didn't think she would enjoy watching Anime or the people who were coming over. Instead I had an emotional flashback which spiraled out of control. I had to go out to my car and decompress. I had to fight my self destructive behavior because I was at work. I ended up canceling the Anime date, which we had planned for a month in advanced, and spend most of the night making it up to my best friend. I spent the rest of the weekend laying in bed not doing anything but reading books and listening to overly depressing music to cancel out the guilt I felt for making my best friend feel like she wasn't important. I hope to hear more from you, I look forward to our future conversations.

Rebel62: We have similar back stories, Although i hate to hear that anyone has seen the human capacity for depravity, especially in those who are supposed to be biologically programmed to protect us, I am glad to have someone here who understands on a psychological level what that feels like. I hope to become good friends in the future. 

Three Roses: I see you are very active on the site, always extending a warm welcome, or a helping hand, Thank you for such a warm welcome, and I hope to hear from you soon as well.

Willowlater: I also struggle with paranoia. I think this is due to low self worth. I think when people have seen the atrocities we have lived through, especially at such young ages it begins to warp your sense of self worth. It's almost easier to believe that people are talking terribly about you or that they don't really want you around because you've been at the receiving end of this treatment. To people like us, the thought of people not wanting us around is easier to swallow than the chance that they actually do. This is something that I've struggled with, and you said that so well that it really resonated with me. I hope to hear from you more.

Thank you everyone for being so supportive and wonderful.