Value in Sharing.

[Martin68]

I've been learning about my condition for just over a year now. It is a lot to take in and It has taken me this long to only scrape the surface of how my mind and body works, and those things I need to try and do to improve life for myself.
I was just wondering how many folk here have involved their partners in their healing process in therapy or other ways, how do you do this and what kind of reaction do you get from them? Is it ultimately helpful getting them involved early or are there any pit falls we need to look out for.
I feel for me it would be easier to explain to my wife how my mind works and sometimes how it doesn't, I just don't know where to start with it. I say the odd thing now and then when the time seems right, which isn't very often.
Your thoughts on this are very welcome... thanks.   

[Three Roses]

Will she read a book about it? The book "The Body Keeps The Score" was VERY helpful to me in understanding myself and this disorder.

My husband tries to understand but I can see from some of his comments that he gets it intellectually but not completely. It seems he still thinks it's something that will go away if I just learn to put it behind me.

[sanmagic7]

i've involved my husband from the very beginning of my mental illness issues - depression, specifically, about 15 yrs. ago - but he had a real hard time 'getting' it.  he's from a different culture, and he absolutely either couldn't understand or thought i was faking it to get attention from him.  as the years went on, we went to the shrink together who explained more to him.  that's when he first accepted that this was a real thing.

then, just a few years ago, i learned about narc abuse and c-ptsd, and started telling him about what was going on while i was still involved w/ my narc daughter and ex.   he came from the school of hard knocks - don't go back there, leave it alone, don't keep bringing it up, don't be so sensitive, etc. ad nauseum.  i began searching the internet for info, printed out stuff for him to read or to show him that it wasn;t just me saying this stuff.  had a therapist for a bit, she told him that with these kinds of things we have to go backward first before we can move forward.

we've had lots of conversations, and he still doesn't understand all of it and will even add things like 'well, i had a similar experience with depression' (not even close).  but he's gotten better at being with me as the years have gone on, so, in the balance, i'm still with him.  i think it's something every couple has to find their way through as best they can.  it can be helpful when he knows to be supportive, and o so frustrating when he doesn't.  bit by bit, step by step, it's sure better than it was. 

[Martin68]

Will she read a book about it? The book "The Body Keeps The Score" was VERY helpful to me in understanding myself and this disorder.

My husband tries to understand but I can see from some of his comments that he gets it intellectually but not completely. It seems he still thinks it's something that will go away if I just learn to put it behind me.

Not sure if she would read a book on it, she might!? I suppose if I had the book she could pick it up, it might be worth a try. Plus it may well help me to read it too.

I think my wife still sees me as nuts, or "a bit touched", it doesn't bother me, I just think we could avoid confusing situations if she knew more about it all.

In fact I'm not really sure what she thinks. I've never been big on sharing things with her. But I feel like I need to with this...

[Martin68]

...that's when he first accepted that this was a real thing.

I think this is important, getting people to understand that this is real, not just us all being dramatic or silly. It's not something you can just put behind you, or we would have done that already.

...bit by bit, step by step, it's sure better than it was.

You are right, it takes time. Small steps.

I think I need to think about how to do this a bit more, don't want to mess it up at the first hurdle.

[sanmagic7]

i believe you'll be able to figure this out,   you know best the dynamics between you and your wife, what she might be willing to do or not, what she might be open to.  maybe she'll be willing to accompany you to a session if you're seeing a therapist who could help with the explanation.  maybe you could read the book together, or read it to her, and that way you could point out the areas that hit home with you. 

i do believe that sharing this stuff with our partners is important - otherwise we might look 'crazy' to them too many times - and communication between the two of you is so important.  my husband and i still have conversations about this cuz he still has a hard time wrapping his head around it, especially if he's stressed about something.  still, his knowing something about it is better, to my mind, than his knowing nothing about it.  best to you.  it'll work out.

[Martin68]

i believe you'll be able to figure this out,   you know best the dynamics between you and your wife, what she might be willing to do or not, what she might be open to... 

You see, there lies the problem. I have real problems reading people, I miss or misinterpret social cues and can't often understand how she is or how she feels about most things.
I missed all this input as a child and teenager due to being segregated, and I still haven't caught up. This is what makes this all quite circular for me. I wan't her to understand to make our relationship better, but she doesn't yet so I'm not sure what she would do or how she would react.

[Three Roses]

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[Candid]

My husband tries to understand but I can see from some of his comments that he gets it intellectually but not completely. It seems he still thinks it's something that will go away if I just learn to put it behind me.

Yes, I get that too.

he came from the school of hard knocks - don't go back there, leave it alone, don't keep bringing it up, don't be so sensitive, etc. ad nauseum.   

Martin, it's probably a sad truth that with the best will in the world, no one can understand C-PTSD unless they have it.

It's not something you can just put behind you, or we would have done that already.

Yep. No one is more invested than the sufferer in "putting it behind us". I've made real efforts in that direction more than once. The physical damage (in the form of brain lesions) to unloved infants, plus the faulty programming and negative ideas we've internalised mean we constantly second-guess ourselves. I myself swing from impulsive to 'frozen' in decision-making as well as interactions with others.

We're not making excuses for 'bad' behaviour, we genuinely need someone IRL to understand. When the majority of 'therapists' still don't, can we expect more from our partners?

[Martin68]

We're not making excuses for 'bad' behaviour, we genuinely need someone IRL to understand. When the majority of 'therapists' still don't, can we expect more from our partners?

Yes we do indeed need at least someone to understand us. It's a real shame if it can't be our partners... we shall see.

[sanmagic7]

martin, perhaps one of the ways to figure it out is to ask her.  i get that thing about not being able to read cues from others, so i ask a lot of questions.  it has sometimes driven my hub wild, but i tell him that i can't know unless i ask.  conversation, dialogue, questioning can bring the two of you closer together.  no, she probably can never understand fully, but if she gets educated, and if you find out what's going on with her, perhaps some progress can be made.  small steps, my friend.  this is a process, and won't be figured out all at once. 

i do so wish you the best with this, and hope you can at least make a start.  sometimes that's all that's needed to get the ball rolling. 

[joyful]

i get that thing about not being able to read cues from others, so i ask a lot of questions.  it has sometimes driven my hub wild, but i tell him that i can't know unless i ask.  conversation, dialogue, questioning can bring the two of you closer together.

That has been my experience. I'm lucky to be able to ask BF whatever i need, reassurance, clarification, whatever I need to ask to feel safe. I know that it's not that way for everyone, which breaks my heart.

I hope it goes well with you and your wife.

[Martin68]

martin, perhaps one of the ways to figure it out is to ask her.  i get that thing about not being able to read cues from others, so i ask a lot of questions.  it has sometimes driven my hub wild, but i tell him that i can't know unless i ask.  conversation, dialogue, questioning can bring the two of you closer together.

You get that too... knowing that I'm not the only one makes me feel much better.
My Mrs hasn't had much conversation from me for about 15years now and she is still around, I only hope I don't scare her off with too much info. I have started recently describing how I feel to her and she didn't run away. I will keep trying

...no, she probably can never understand fully, but if she gets educated, and if you find out what's going on with her, perhaps some progress can be made.  small steps, my friend.  this is a process, and won't be figured out all at once. 

i do so wish you the best with this, and hope you can at least make a start.  sometimes that's all that's needed to get the ball rolling.

Thanks for the advice San, it really does help, obvious things are often not that obvious to me and I doubt myself and those around me too much at times. I should and will give it a go, I have nothing to lose and much to gain.

[Martin68]

I hope it goes well with you and your wife.

Thank you, I really do appreciate that. I wish I was outside looking in at times, to see if I am improving, I hope I am!?

[sanmagic7]

the idea that you posted here, asked for help, considered suggestions, and are willing to give it a go, have already started - yeah, i'd say you're making progress!  yay for you!