Meursault 2.0

[Wife#2]

Some days need to be like that. It's great when you can just let it be.

Great news on the furnace! Whew, indeed.

[meursault]

I sure hope my therapist isn't trying to get rid of me.  I had at least sort of held myself together for most of my life, except a couple of years in my early twenties when this all hit me that "women universally think I'm unlovable" seemed indisputable from experience, and then after the end of my relationship of 6 years with a girlfriend.  The therapist I saw right before the good therapist (who was good therapist's boss), I saw for three years, and never trusted her enough to tell about my Mom or growing up.  Every week for three years, I should have realized she wasn't someone I could trust.  Building trust with good therapist over 6 months, I finally felt I could trust her enough and started to tell her about it.  I said to myself for months as I told her in dribs and drabs "I finally found someone who can help.  I am either going to deal with this and get better, or deal with it and it will kill me.  I'm not backing off from this."

I've always known where this came from, but it was always "shut up, I don't want to hear about your mother", "I'm sure she loves you", "you're just depressed", "take pills.", "You need to just love yourself", "take CBT", "women won't be interested if they can see it's important to you", "everybody is single sometimes"....... 

But I have really been a wreck pretty much non-stop since I opened up to her.  I've not been able to feel better or contain myself very well.  Granted, with this legal *, that was an added difficulty, but I don't think this would have been much easier without it.  I jus lost OVER SIX YEARS OF MY LIFE unable to find any love because of that.  I was still youngish when that happened, now I am thoroughly middle aged.  The window to meet women of my age range who would be willing to have a kid with me has disappeared.  Arg.  It feels so desperately urgent now.  I can't go more than a few minutes without this spiralling.

Anyhow.  I'm pretty worried about my therapist.  I hope she isn't wanting to get rid of me.  I think you're right Sanmagic.  I am going to trust her, and suspend judgement on whether she is getting rid of me.  She really does seem to care and I hope she is in this with me for the long haul.  Scares the bejeezus out of me, though.

Anyhow, this whole idea of tkaing care of myself and just hiding from the world has already gone out the window.  My brain and body are just screaming at me how much of an emergency it is to get out and go find what I need.  My brain is already like a half-full jar of marbles being violently shaken.

I can't believe how badly I've fallen apart.

Sigh, anyhow, have a good day everyone.  I think I am going to need hospitalization yet today.  It's completely counter productive, and actually usually deleterious, but I don't think I have any options.

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

my heart is with you, meursault, whatever the day brings.  like your therapist told you, the people she's seen in as rough a shape as you are sedated.  however, maybe some type of gentler meds might be helpful for awhile to get you through this * you're experiencing.  has your therapist suggested this at all?   just a thought. 

in the meantime, i'm glad the furnace got fixed.  i think the last 6 yrs. of your life have a lot to do with how you're struggling now.  my personal opinion.  that was overwhelming all by itself, and when placed on top of your other traumas, it could be nearly too much to bear, which might be what you're experiencing now.  i sincerely hope you can find the help you need to make this easier for you.  this is so much for any one person to be dealing with.   sending affection and care your way.

[meursault]

I'm pretty sure I have virtually no friends any more too.  No one ever calls, it seems.  When my Dad died, I had probably well over a hundred people tell me they would gladly go to court if I needed a character witness.  Now I am just a pariah.  When I drank, people called all the time.

Anyhow, I can't believe how badly I destabilized.  I was struggling for quite a while, but bouncing back.  That incomprehensible way things went with that woman has completely torn my feet from under me.  I have no foundation.

Anyhow.  Not sure about medication.  They are only interested in giving SSRIs (I've given almost all of them an honest try, but they are terrible for many reasons).  I don't think I could really access my emotions for several years after Effexor for 2 years.  They almost "cauterize" my emotional system, and stopping them is a years long process of reconnecting.  Either that or they offer Risperdal or Seroquel.  I am quite against both of them.  I tried Seroquel, but it just made me numb and fat and impotent.  Still, it might end up there pretty quickly.

I'm going to call the crisis line when it gets worse.  But already it's like reality is strobing and my muscles are terror, made of electrified wood.  My face feels splashed with vinegar or something.

I think that the decompression from the years of the legal stuff is a huge factor right now, but it's mostly hitting me how I've lost so many years and maybe any chance of ever finding a partner and having kids.  Cried a bit about my Dad this morning, too.  I haven't really felt any grief over all that I think.  It all just tunnelled into the trauma of that night and the ongoing threat of jail and abuse and being assaulted and caged.

Anyhow.  I am gritting my teeth with all this ATM.  I will prevail eventually, I hope, and find a more positive place.

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

yes you will, of that i have no doubt.  and, it sounds like you are in the middle of a grieving process of immense proportions.  grieving will make us have a difficult time dealing with other issues, too.

i hear what you're saying about the meds.  sorry nothing's worked for you.  still by your side, meursault, no matter what.  you matter and i care about you.  i wish i could do more.

[meursault]

I'm also going to start adding my poetry, comics, drawings, maybe music etc. to a blog page.  I'm just doing it so I'll slowly have a place with all my artistic stuff all in one place....

It's here: http://wps999.blogspot.ca/ if anyone's interested...

Meursault

[meursault]

Anyhow, I wrote a bunch last night and that kept me in all right shape.  Some swearing, some sexuality, and some suicide/self-harm talk in it, but if anyone is interested:

http://wps999.blogspot.ca/2017/03/and-we-got-to-get-ourselves-back-to.html

It's about when I lost my virginity, but isn't overly graphic, I don't think, nor is it negative, for the most part.  I'm actually super happy with the QUALITY of the last couple of things I've written.

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

since i love writing, i'm really glad to see that you're doing this, meursault.  it's a pretty nifty project, to my mind.  yay for you!

[meursault]

I was just reading through some of this thread and I just noticed something....  Wife #2, in Reply #35, you mentioned how you revealed early why you are stand-offish.   

I don't know, it seems like people are pretty uncharitable if they can't accept that.  I have met plenty of women who are stand-offish, and I assume they have a good reason.  Maybe some terrible experiences with men, or related trauma, or the like.  I don't take it personally, unless it is also hostile.  Mixed messages are another thing entirely, though.  I kind of assumed that everybody did that.  Maybe that's not true.  And maybe it's even less true that women are forgiving of that in men, since culturally, there is a lot more awareness of the realities of mistreatment of women.  Maybe those of us who have really faced a bunch of trauma that tend to accept that possibility in others more.  Hmm..  I don't know, just thinking.  Don't even know what I mean there, actually....

My yoga studio was closed for a week to re-do the floors, and opened a couple of days ago.  I am going to try to go in a while.  It was day three without yoga that I fell to pieces over that woman, I think.  Maybe that has exacerbated things with me.

Meursault

[meursault]

Note to self:  do yoga every day.

Right now is the first time I'm not shaking in a week.  And I don't feel like there is this hundred pound core of lava stretching from my groin to my throat turning rapidly in on itself.  Yoga was packed.  It's hot yoga too, so it was extra hot.  There were 50 people, and I'd say 4 guys.  I think it actually does me a lot of good beyond the normal value of yoga.  I get to practice breathing and connecting with my body around a bunch of ridiculously good looking women in tight clothes.  Plus, sort of exposure and proof of being "safe" around attractive women.

Anyhow...

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

sounds like a good 'note to self', meursault.  keep it up - it may be helping you on many levels. 

[meursault]

A friend of mine, who is the wife of a guy who was my roommate 22 years ago, messaged me a few weeks ago that she knew I'd be going through some hard times, and there are people who cared.  And that I should rely on them if I need.  I just texted her asking her if she wanted to get a coffee today.  She said absolutely, so I'm off to meet her. 

I kinda feel like crying.  My therapist told me this week that she has never had a client work as hard as I do to deal with all this stuff, but I'm feeling like a bit of a failure, like I've maybe had all these people who care, and I haven't been trying hard enough to deserve it.  Same with all the people here.

Anyways, just wanted to say that it hit me how much I appreciate all the support I've gotten from all of you here.

What song popped into my head?
Joey by Concrete Blonde

I'm going to go listen to it before I go meet her....

Meursault

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

you deserve it just by being you.  we all do.  it's what helps us keep moving.  big hug!

[meursault]

My therapist updated me via email today that she has set up a time to consult with a colleague about me.  Some guy she used to work with.  I guess his approach is narrative therapy, which has always seemed positive to me.  Anyhow, I am not really comfortable with a male therapist.  I'm not really sure why.  I find it impossible to believe them, and feel like they are just laughing at me because women would love them but not me.  I'm half a mind to tell her don't bother, but I will buckle down and give it an honest try if that's the way it goes.  The guy will have to have a very gentle, non-judgemental, and validating manner to him for it to have a chance.

I went to a "mood disorders" drop in group thing they have in my city today.  I went once last summer, and it was terrible then.  The people were all completely sold on BEING their diagnosis, and had all given up on anything in life.  I don't want that and didn't think it would be good, so I didn't go back.   Felt the need to connect today, so I went, and it was pretty good.  The woman running it was just a volunteer with some minimal training and a history of depression and anxiety.  There were two other women, and a guy.  We had a great time talking for two hours.  It was minimally structured.  Everyone was supportive and helpful, but no one really "Gave advice", either.  Some observations, and suggestions of what we did etc.

One woman, in her mid thirties, was talking about a death that happened when she was 12, and she was crying and saying it was her fault (it totally wasn't) and how she has been bothered by that daily since.  The woman running it sort of said how she should look for what may help her "let go", and the woman was resistant.  I mentioned how I really get a lot from inner child stuff, and what might work for me in that would be not so much to forgive myself, or give myself permission to get over it, but to at least allow the little boy (or little girl, in her case) to let go of it, because she was a little girl, and couldn't possibly be expected to carry that.  The woman started crying and I felt terrible for a second, until she said she had never thought of that, and it resonated with her, and that's finally something that makes some sense about it all for her. 

I liked all the people, and felt comfortable there.  I'm so used to talking about this stuff with professionals, so I feel like I'm just broken and not a man in comparison, or places like here, where I sort of assume everyone has their things together better than I do, and understands what's going on better than me.  I felt EQUAL to people today.  And I think they all got something out of what I was saying, especially that woman.

I also realized that I have been a lot less passive in my treatment than a lot of people are.  Most of them, except the woman running it, only had a psychiatrist who saw them a couple of times a year, and didn't really even understand that there were any other options.   I was pretty glad to be able to pass on some information that seemed promising.  I mentioned the free acupuncture I go to, and I sort of knew what she wanted to know when one woman was asking.  I knew she wanted to know HOW to access it.  just being told where and when and that it's drop in and you can just show up doesn't really tell people with bad anxiety how to do it, I think.  I know it wouldn't for me.  So I sort of explained my first time...  walked into building, asked where acupuncture was at desk, went there, sign said to wait outside, when door opened, just followed others in, said I've never been before etc, and what sorts of reactions I was getting from staff along the way.  The woman seemed pretty eager to try it. 

I also used to "Foster parent" cats with new born kittens from the humane society.  I'd get a cat with a couple of day old litter of kittens.  Keep them two months or whatever until they were large enough to be adopted, and then get a new litter.  I did that for quite a while.  I was able to explain the process of going about tthat, and what other volunteer things they had to work with animals.  The guy seemed especially interested, and asked a lot of questions.

Anyhow.  I feel pretty good about today.  I felt like I was equal, and was pretty helpful, too.  That felt awesome.  I think I need to volunteer some place.  I haven't done anything like that since my Dad died.

Anyhow, we all talked about the different artistic things we did, and the younger woman asked me to bring in my poetry and read some and said if I had the guts to, she would read hers too.

Meursault