Meursault 2.0

[Wife#2]

Smiles for miles and even a small happy tear! That is wonderful news, Meursault!

[Three Roses]

 

[meursault]

This post trial insanity has abated for a bit, I think.  It really kicked off after stopping that attack, I think.  Just occurred to me this morning, I wonder if the fact iI was having to deal with cops sort of sent my mind a bit out of control.  Then I've been kind of worried about how crazy did I appear, when the guy very hastily and in fear threw his knife down at my feet when I stepped toward him?  Then I had that date, which was probably the happiest night I've had since I was up north in the wilderness last year.  I never remember dreams.  I can literally go a decade without remembering any.  Yet after that date with that woman, I remembered my dreams every night until she then rejected me.  Then I mentally fractured and lashed out on the forum here, and I still feel pretty bad about that.   And I crossed a boundary with my therapist by emailing her outside of our agreed upon time, and although I let her know I realize it was a mistake, I'm worried she secretly hates me now.

But then things keep plugging along, I guess.  I feel really good about that drop-in group I went to on Monday.  And I've been going to yoga every day. 

Then yesterday, I went to the acupuncture thing I do.  There were about ten people there, when normally there are six at most.  I had an INTENSE time.  I was watching myself experiencing all the sort of core terror and pain whipping around wildly in me.  It was like a waking dream, and I came back to normal awareness a few times to discover I was shaking badly, and at one point both legs were completely cramped up from my feet all the way to the tops of my thighs.  because I was flexing the muscles so much.  Then, in the floating rolling dream where I was skimming along all that fear and stuff, I had this vivid image of an attractive woman pop in my head, and I spent the rest of the acupuncture session exploring the trauma based self-annihilation and terror and the attractive/arousal sensations, and how they are so similar, and how quickly the attraction flips into the fear.  I felt like I was understanding how my body and mind react with this stuff.  I think what I was doing was "titration", but I'm not sure.

At the end the woman came up to me and asked if I was okay.  She looked pretty concerned.  I said "That was intense."  She said "Good intense or bad intense?"  I said "Hard intense."  Then I noticed that a woman there was crying.  And then this young guy was holding his head and rocking.  And then the woman running it came to this 50 year old native guy to take out the needles, and he was crying, too.  The woman said "Wow, there's a lot of chi in the room today." 

I got home and did a bunch of work on my house for the rest of the day.  Finished all the tiling, did some flooring, got my kitchen sink in and working.

I'm not sure what happened there.  It was brutal, but it seemed important.  I don't know, I feel like my system has finally been "soothed" from this terrible flashback state.  Still not feeling great, but like I have been de-activated enough to experience things like it isn't a war zone.  I'm pretty weirded out by that.

I hope this slow return, yo-yoing back and forth until I find some new normal, just passed the most extreme part, because I'm bound to cause a lot of damage in my life if it gets more extreme than the last few of weeks.  I knew the post-trial times would be unstable, but I really didn't predict this at all.

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

who really could predict it, meursault?  no one i know.

i just give you so much credit for continuing to explore all this, with such determination and courage.  bravo to you.  i hope you're finding a bit of relief now after what actually sounded brutal.  as in any of this, there will be ups and downs, for all of us.  keep taking care of you.  you're worth it.  big hug!

[meursault]

Thanks sanmagic...  amd like that, it all crashes down. I hate this  all.  So, my mom suddenly comes in to go get lunch, and then my therapist calls and cancels our session for tomorrow.  I am now in a tizzy again.  The mom thing is always destructive, but after my therapist old me about wanting to enlist another therapist and how most people with my level of trauma are heavily medicated, then cancelling ...she's only ever cancelled once before...  I just feel like this is the death knell of my most important relationship and the only person I really trust enough to "show me" to.

I'll calm down, but I went from reasonably relaxed to shaking like a leaf.  My thinking is incoherent.  It's a terrible time to cancel right after what was essentially a relationship rupture with her.  Damned.  I can logically see it doesn't necessarily mean anything, but I've gone through my life willing to suspend that worry almost every time and it always turns out badly.

Anyhow, ill calm down.  I feel so oooooo defeated though.
Meursault

[sanmagic7]

i hate that feeling.   i know you'll pull through, and i personally don't think your t 'wants' to get rid of you.  it sounds like she's thinking of what's best for you in your situation.  that doesn't mean she's leaving, tho.  i know you've built quite a rapport in your relationship with her.  standing beside you.  big hug.

[meursault]

I had kind of wanted to do this for a lot of years.  Fifteen years ago when I was living with a girlfriend, she and I did yoga every day, and she was planning on becoming a yoga instructor.  I kind of imagined doing that too.  And since my Dad died, and I couldn't farm any more, I have not really known what to do job wise, but I figured it would be good to just completely try something else.

Anyhow, just to keep at all level, I've been doing yoga everyday for the last week or so.  I have told myself that I'm going to have to do it every day, at least for a while, to take care of myself.   So, on FB a couple of days ago, what pops up?  A yoga teacher training program thing.  This trainer is coming to my city and is offering the basic certification for being a trainer.  It's 5 days a week for ten hours a day for a month.  It's not cheap, but really, I'm thinking this is a good thing to do.  At the very least, I will immerse myself in yoga for a solid month with no break from it, which can't hurt, and at the end, even if it's never used, I will have something out of it:  the accreditation.

I emailed and asked a few questions and they got back to me.  Previous students seem to have good reviews.  I asked the instructor at today's yoga class, and she said it sounded like a good program.  And then I messaged an old acquaintance who is a yoga instructor.  (I tried to date her about ten years ago, and am only FB friends).  She thinks it's a good idea, too.

So, I am almost positive I'm going to just say "here's hoping!" and jump in.  Feeling a bit uncertain about it, though.  The money.....  It's not terrible in cost, but it's enough.  I will also have to miss therapy for a month, which MAY be bad mentally.  It MAY be good, though, too, taking a break from her for a little, and what I'd save in not paying for therapy basically lowers the cost of the yoga training by 20%.

Who knows if I'd ever be able to get a job in it, but it occurred to me, I could do something like volunteer to have a free weekly yoga class at places like that mood disorders place I went to last week for that group.  Or maybe old folks homes or whatever.  Even if I couldn't get a job in it, maybe I could volunteer teaching instead.  And maybe that would eventually mutate into something more solid....

I don't know.  I think I'm going to do it, but I'm kind of afraid of failing.... Not failing the class, but basically wasting money and trying something that won't help at all, and will just illustrate I am no good.  I don't know.

Anyhow, I think I kind of need to say this out loud somewhere, so I'm doing it here!

Meursault

[Three Roses]

I think that sounds like a great idea! You'd be immersed in a healthy atmosphere where self-care is valued, plus have an accreditation at the end. You most definitely could teach, or donate your time. I think you'd make a very good teacher!

[sanmagic7]

hey, meursault,

i'm of the notion that when we attempt something that can be positive in our lives, we can learn from it (no matter how far we take it) and therefore can never fail at it.  we've added something beneficial - how can that be failure? 

you've spoken so much about yoga, how much you like it, how much it helps you, how much you enjoy participating in the classes.  seeking accreditation seems like a natural next step to me.   methinks - go for it!  i'll be anticipating hearing, if you do actually decide to do it, how it goes.  yoga immersion.  for you, it sounds like a wonderful fit. 

[meursault]

Well, I emailed the woman running the training and asked for where I send the registration cheque.  I ordered the books from Amazon.  I was at yoga at 6 this morning, and then went back for a meditation thing this after noon.  The instructor I talked to yesterday was running the meditation thing.  It's a big studio, and I didn't really think anyone even really recognized me, but I walked in and she said she checked out the training place and had clearly gone through the whole site.  She said it looked really good, and they looked to cover everything one would want for basic training stuff.  She said it looked better than most initial instructor training programs.

Gulp.  Well, I'm doing it.  I'm going to have to change my Kayaktrip somewhat this summer.  I was going to start in Yellowknife in Canada, and travel about 1100 miles.  I'm changing where I go somewhat and only going to have a 600 mile trip, far less in the actual tundra than I intended.  I'll save $700 bucks or so on the difference in transportation, plus what I save in therapy, it will basically be the equivalent of doing what I was doing anyhow, and getting the yoga training for a little over half price.

Gulp.  I'm doing it. 

I got invited to go to a poetry reading tomorrow where I can read my poetry.  The woman who runs it is a friend who manages some low grade community theatre group.  It sounds a lot more accepting and egalitarian than that poetry slam, but I'm uncertain if I can even hack that rejection if it goes poorly.

I've spent the last two weeks or so just assuming all my friends have abandoned me, but I guess I'm wrong.  My friend A. (whom I would totally love to date, but who is exactly the kind of woman who would eat me alive) stopped by yesterday.   She had her lunch here, as she is a postal carrier, and I'm on her route.  Had a good hour with her.  I really like her, but she is very domineering and could steamroll over me effortlessly.  She has been texting today which has me feeling pretty good. 

Meursault

[radical]

I'm really happy for you Meursault.

First, though probably not that important to you, going bush,, as we way around here, sounds brilliant.  (maybe that should be going tundra). Looking back it's probably what I should have done when my own time of 'decompression' sent me into a tail-spin.  There's something about shaking it out, getting into the wild, and at the same time into your own body - moving into different landscapes.  Brilliant!

And congratulations re leaping right in with your yoga course!  I can't say I envy that because I'm completely un-agile and always have been, but I admire your boldness and decisiveness.  I think you'll be great.

And a poetry-reading - you're a legend! .

[meursault]

Thanks, Radical!

I've been going on these solo kayak/canoe trips since 2003, IIRC.  My longest one so far is 42 days.  Most years, I see no one.  I am way too remote for that.  I missed a couple of years because of my legal stuff, they added a curfew, and there were a couple of years I couldn't get the courts permission to do it.  The last two years of being under bail conditions I went to court, with therapist letters saying it's psychologically beneficial (duh!), but the last two years the trips didn't turn out (the only ones since 2003!).  In 2015, the court set a window of time I had to check in with the police on an Indian Reserve, but I got winded in on Great Slave Lake for many days, and turned around rather than breaching my bail conditions.  Then last year, I had that bear encounter, which kiboshed things.

I'm still just holding on, though.  I just caught a romantic commercial on TV and there was this dreamy sequence of the guy picking up this smiling cute woman, and it made me just want to jump off a ledge....  Just that,  a few minutes ago, and I am all shaky, and I'd rather be dead than endure another day of this *...  ugh.... oh well, just try to stop feeling, I suppose... 

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

good for you, meursault, for giving it a shot.  warrior spirit! 

it's too bad you have to cut your wilderness trip short - i can tell you love doing that.  all hoping that it's worth it.  keep taking care of you.  sending peace your way.   big hug!

[meursault]

I am enrolled in the yoga teacher training!  Woohoo!!!

I haven't worked in a couple of years, and out of the blue, the owner of a business that was next to the place I was working in 2013 called me up on Monday.  He had tracked down my number.  HE called to offer me a job.    I feel pretty good about that, how he recognized my work ethic and all that jazz, and put in that much effort to try to hire me.

The woman I dated for a couple of months over the winter, whom I told I wasn't ready for sex yet, and who had been a friend for almost 25 years, sent me a letter in the mail.  It was six pages, and she was apologizing about how she treated me.  Makes me feel okay about that too.  I was just wondering what was so wrong with me.  She certainly behaved quite a bit different as a friend compared to a girlfriend.  She let me know that she has been feeling guilty about how she treated me and hopes I can forgive her and whatnot.  I texted her that I got the letter, and yeah, I've assumed we would be friends again at some point, but I'm not ready yet.

Therapy today was awesome.  I mentioned in the Inner Child category about playing Jenga.  There was a lot that happened, and we had 45 minutes of really good open ctalking and me being vulnerable before the Jenga came out.

She told me of the colleague she talked to that she wanted to enlist as another therapist for me.  He has a narrative approach, and she said that they figure, if I'm willing to do it, that the way to proceed would be for the three of us to sit down and talk about me.  Having my therapist say what is going on with me etc, and us answering his questions.  Sort of him interviewing us, and we interviewing him, all talking about this deeply painful and traumatic stuff from my life.  Hearing my therapist describe ME to a stranger in front of me.  Yikes.

Scares the bejeezus out of me, so I said I need to think about it.  I'm pretty sure I'll do it.  I trust that she doesn't want to hurt me, but it is still very scary!  I utterly hate the idea of a male therapist.  For some reason, I get really angry and defensive thinking about seeing a male therapist.  So I'm a little uncertain about that as well.  My therapist worked with him at some place for a few years, though, so I guess I can trust her assessment.

Anybody else ever do something like that?  I think I'll feel very exposed, and very much like a broken and severely damaged scientific curiosity when it happens.  Two therapists talking about me, in front of me!  I feel shaky just thinking about it!

For the wilderness trip, it will be 40ish days rather than 70ish, so it's still considerable.  I didn't have the nerve to read my poetry at that thing on the weekend. 

Meursault

[Three Roses]

Anybody else ever do something like that?

No, not exactly, but I did feel uncomfortable with a male as a therapist. But, decided to trust, and I really like him. I think he will be able to help. If nothing else I will be able to experience a compassionate, caring male and heal that spot a little.