I have not been ok since Thursday. I’m supposed to be writing, reading, and talking about one of my biggest triggers... belts
It wasn’t until Thursday’s therapy session that I realized I wrote about it, but never used the word “belt”. It was like I had used distancing language to make it easier on myself.
I hate belts. The trigger is oddly specific. The belt has to be lying on the ground, or it has to be somewhere i don’t expect to see one. They have to be leather and dark in color. The jingling sound makes me swallow my heart.
She used to wrap it around her hand... once, twice while holding the buckle. I knew the drill. I lifted my shirt, leaned over the back of the couch, bit my lip and would receive blows to my lower back. Usually I was given a number.
Once I got used to this punishment I got better at dissociating. I would stare at the wall, dig my nails into my hand and force my mind to go elsewhere. I still get flashbacks even though it was 15 years ago.
I’m still raw from Thursday’s therapy. I feel like I have depersonalized. I’m not any emotion. I’m not mad, sad, scared... just numb.
I tried to self harm to feel again... still numb. I just mostly feel sick to my stomach and exhausted. The world is fuzzy and has been since Thursday.