spanking is abuse. spanking is abuse. spanking is abuse. spanking is abuse - Part 1

[AphoticAtramentous]

This is a huge sensitive topic for me as well. Though I'm slightly comforted reading all ya'll posts about this, makes me feel less alone.
TRIGGER WARNING
Whenever I needed 'to be punished', it wasn't just a one hit thing, it was over and over and there was always that moment when my FOO would say; "We don't want to do this". SO WHY DO IT!? I firmly believe you can educate your children without the need for physical abuse, and I think that you're incapable of being a good parent if you have to resort to violence. That's just my opinion though, probably a biased one.
I don't exactly remember when the hitting stopped but even when it stopped, I was afraid. People would raise their hand, and that alone would cause me to flinch. I couldn't ever get close to my FOO in fear they would hit me. I would avoid passing them in the hallway at all costs because being so close to them would cause me to feel fear. It really messes you up. But I think with time I've finally stopped flinching automatically at least. And now I suddenly remember getting slapped on my hands, how I forgot that fact I don't know but interesting that it's just come up now.

[Andyman73]

TW CPA described

I sure can see the difference in my own past, where the spankings turned into abuse, and by that I mean, 3-4 times per event, to 10-12 times...which is where mom's energy petered out. Thankfully. When daddy did it....he usually stopped after 6 or 7...had a LOT more power in his arms....I preferred the belt from him...there were a few times he used his hand....no flexing to absorb some of the impact like a belt would...there were a few times he grabbed me by my hair and my feet came off the ground.....but the pain in my scalp blocked out everything...just went white...don't usually like to talk about that.

[Blueberry]

Andyman, what you endured was horrendous. I'm really sorry about that.

But I think the point on this thread is that: spanking in whatever form is abuse. So it doesn't turn from spanking to abuse. If, as for you, you've been through horrendous physical abuse, corporal punishment in a milder form might sound non-abusive and something like what happened to me (described further up) might not strike you as being abusive either. Yet, it was.

[Andyman73]

Andyman, what you endured was horrendous. I'm really sorry about that.

But I think the point on this thread is that: spanking in whatever form is abuse. So it doesn't turn from spanking to abuse. If, as for you, you've been through horrendous physical abuse, corporal punishment in a milder form might sound non-abusive and something like what happened to me (described further up) might not strike you as being abusive either. Yet, it was.

Awwww...you caught me red handed unwittingly minimizing my own experience. See...that's one of the reasons it's been hard for me to see the spanking part as abuse...strangely though, I always remembered the "regular" spankings. It's the "irregular" ones that were blocked out. But even I can't minimize the other stuff.  I'm afraid to mention it, not sure if I can safely do that.

Please forgive me, I didn't mean to minimize your experience either. I am so very very sorry.

[Elphanigh]

Andyman,
Minimizing is something I think most of us have done at some point, or still do in our lives. I promise, st least for me there is not reason to be sorry. I did not read your post as being negative towards anyone's experience here intentionally . Although Blueberry was very correct to talk about it, and give a reminder just so everyone is safe and validated.

I am always glad for your kindness and sharing.

[Blueberry]

Please forgive me, I didn't mean to minimize your experience either. I am so very very sorry.

Yes, of course, no problem. Don't worry about it any more. Now you don't need to minimise your own experience anymore either, so it's a win-win situation 

[Blueberry]

Minimizing is something I think most of us have done at some point, or still do in our lives.

Thanks for adding this too Elphanigh! Minimizing our own pain is part of CPTSD is it not?

[Elphanigh]

I think it is definitely a very integral part of it. We are all working past that here, which is part of why I am so grateful this thread exists.

[Andyman73]

Andyman,
Minimizing is something I think most of us have done at some point, or still do in our lives. I promise, st least for me there is not reason to be sorry. I did not read your post as being negative towards anyone's experience here intentionally . Although Blueberry was very correct to talk about it, and give a reminder just so everyone is safe and validated.

I am always glad for your kindness and sharing.

Okay, thank you for saying that. I don't know how to accept it for what it truly is. Even if I wanted to. It feels like somebody doesn't want to believe it's true. Like accepting it means accepting that the abuse was much greater than previously thought. All the spankings not related directly to what had considered abuse, is abuse too.  And other physical punishment as well.

[Andyman73]

Please forgive me, I didn't mean to minimize your experience either. I am so very very sorry.

Yes, of course, no problem. Don't worry about it any more. Now you don't need to minimise your own experience anymore either, so it's a win-win situation 

Thank you. I will try my best to work on accepting things as they really are.  Not sure if it can be done. To add all of this to all of my CSA/R/CPA/ASA/APA/DV abuse. Doesn't exactly seem like winning anything really.

[Blueberry]

Sorry, 'win' was an insensitive word to use in that context. I hope you know what I meant to say anyway.

Feeling minimised was so hard for me because my parents minimised when I complained about certain things being done to me. They'd see a lot of what happened to people like you and Elphanigh as "real abuse" - they implied and even said that when I was growing up. Whereas what they did to me or allowed others to do they saw as "part of growing up" / "that's life" Or they said "some therapist has been putting ideas in your head" etc.

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry, I am so sorry that the minimized it so much. You do not deserve that at all... Sadly, I  understand. My parents used the same deck of cards it seems. Always saying what other people went through was bad, that our house was normal and just what happens while growing up. That still makes me question myself to this day, so I understand.

Hopefully you have got people around you that won't minimize your experiences like that anymore

[Blueberry]

My parents used the same deck of cards it seems.

Yes, it seems to be the abusive-parent deck of cards. How sad is that? And even worse the result of so many of us on here questioning ourselves. Thank you for saying you understand. 

There are people around me who minimise a bit, there are people who don't minimise, and then there are people who gently tell me they think I'm minimising what was done to me!

[Elphanigh]

It is sad to see the result of that abusive parent deck, we should never have to question ourselves but each of us does. I am glad to be able to give some understanding. 

Good to hear oh have people that don't minimize, and even help you see when you are minimizing. Those people are definitely keepers, I have needed ones like that in my life (especially recently)

[BlancaLap]

And by the way, spanking is abuse.

(This is inspired by another thread, but I didn't want to hijack it.)

***trigger warning***

I was spanked throughout my childhood and it was abuse. My mother liked to use wooden spoons because of the extra sting, and that was sadistic abuse. My parents kept a dedicated spanking paddle made of splintery wood in the kitchen. That was abuse. One time, my dad got extra angry and spanked me with his leather belt. It hurt so bad, I still remember it. he got triggered by my screaming and crying and the marks on me, and ended up begging me not to "make him" spank me again, and I ended up comforting him, because that's the way my parents rolled. How old was I? 4 or 5, maybe? He never did use the belt again, but that wasn't the end.

I preferred it when my mother spanked me, because she did not need to be consoled afterwards. She felt perfectly justified inflicting pain on small children, and would just go about her day afterwards. Surely this was just them trying to be good parents, right? That must be why they would chase me all over the house, rageful and red-faced. That must be why so much thought was given to which spanking methods would be the most painful.

When I became a teen and was too big to be easily subdued, my mother took to slapping me hard across the face. Occasionally, I would block it with my hand, and then she would wait until later when I had let my guard down and then strike out of the blue. She would strike me so hard that her hand would hurt and would then blame me for her hand hurting. She eventually stopped slapping me when I started taking it without reaction and mocking her for how weak the blows were. To this day, everyone thinks she is a nice lady. A couple weeks ago, she made a swatting motion with her hand, in a way that she thought was a joke, and I involuntarily flinched.

I tried to talk to my T about this a long time ago, but it was obvious that she had spanked her kids, and she claimed that spanking is okay for some kids, but I'm just more sensitive. I am more sensitive than most, but i don't think that makes spanking okay. If you chase down and beat a person, because you don't like what they have said or done, you will go to jail - unless it is your kid.

Spanking is abuse.

OMG, what you are telling is horrible! And what a terrible T... I'm so sorry... that should never happen, no parent should spank a child