**TW** (hopefully no one is reading this thread who is concerned about a trigger at this point).
**rambly warning**
This topic is a tough one. I keep hearing more and more, as therapists and life coaches post more and more youtubes, there is less and less about physical abuse that did not leave us with broken arms or big facial bruises. There is a lot about how "emotional abuse is just as, if not more, painful and long lasting, even though it doesn't leave bruises." True. I'm really glad emotional abuse is being exposed.
However, there's not much out there about how being attacked during a narcissistic rage, or being "disciplined" constantly (daily, 3 or 4 times weekly) with belt beatings, or other beatings, don't necessarily "leave a bruise", or if they do, as a child, you don't SEE the bruise on your back side. I remember seeing red, belt-shaped marks on my legs that went away the next day or two, and no adult outside of the home ever saw. As a child I'm not sitting there thinking hmmm now is this a legitimate bruise or mark, or is all that stuff my Nm was raging about more significant?" No, it all went together and was terrifying. I was in constant state of adrenaline, whether physical or verbal, or covertly emotional.
In my recovery, I'm just now kind of able to process the fact that I was not being "disciplined" for wrong-doings. I was being attacked because I was vulnerable. I was being attacked because my "differences" from my mother were interpreted by her as "rebellion" and "disrespectful." For example, If I wanted to wear something she didn't like for herself (like my favorite jeans, green courderoys), that was viewed as an extreme disrespect, because I knew she didn't like them. This was applied to pretty much everything, and by the age of 5 or so, I was cut off from saying anything/my opinion and was "disciplined" if the "wrong" thing came out of my mouth.
If I did do something that a child needed to be taught to do differently, which would have taken a mere conversation, the way she "taught" me was to extreme beat me, and then meanfully say, "NOW. I bet you won't do THAT again, will you!?!" or "NOW. Are you gonna do that AGAIN?" I had to answer with the appropriate word and tone, or I got more. Sometimes I didn't know what she was looking for and kept trying until I got it "right". If I cried, I "got more until I stopped." The more I keep thinking about this, the more horrible I realize it was. One of the triggering and telling things in the last conversation with my mom, it that she proclaimed she "never laid a hand on me." (I understand now her extreme shame that prevents her from taking responsibility now).
I think what is currently so upsetting is I was prevented from pursuing things that would have led to happiness. Things I enjoyed and had a natural inclination toward were ragefully dismissed and scoffed at. If I did them anyway just for fun (music, art), I was criticized or prevented from doing them. I kept doing things I liked despite all the degradation, but I could have actually been a musician, or artist. It's like it was such a foreign thought that that was a possibility. My DAD was a musician and artist, and he never once taught me, defended me or helped me pursue my dreams. My mom criticized him too. He should have gotten me away from her. But no, I blame myself. I don't blame my parents. Everyone knows that you "can't do that" for having made adult decisions not to pursue your dreams. But I'm going to go out on a limb here and declare it WAS their fault. Through beatings, emotional and verbal abuse and neglect. I never believed I could. And in fact, it's like I couldn't do anything without "permission" from somewhere. This being literally beaten into me from an early age, I hate to tell all these "I got spanked"people DID have a severely negative effect on me. Because of all the brainwashing and societal messages, it's taken me years to realize I need to heal from this.