Self Abandonment- Intro

[ivanthehunter]

***Trigger Warning***

Hello, and thank you to those who helped me in the Having a Difficult Day forum

Call me Ivan,
   I grew up being bullied heavily right off the bat from Kindergarten to the present, a target on my back my whole life. My parents chalked most of it up to kids being kids, and the rest they just didn't seem to have energy to deal with. I feel as though I have almost always been left to fend for myself.
Family life wasn't much better. I had a twin sister who apparently is really attractive to most guys, I just see her as a demon-*. She was always acting out more than I, much more willing to do what it takes to get her way. I found out she would tell boys in school who were annoying her that if they picked on me it would impress her. My mother has been fixated on money more so than family for most of my life. The only fight in high school I fought back in, when I got home with a cut and couple small bruises, the first thing she asked me was if we were going to be sued.
After school, even though the bullying persisted, I started to seperate inside. After a few years, I went to college and decided there and then, enough of being quiet. No more getting walked on by people, I would be outspoken and not care what those around me thought. For 10 years, this strategy worked. It was an improvement for sure, but would turn to bite me in the end.

I didn't realize then how much I hated and resented my life. I blamed my past, and in doing so I blamed myself. Adult me split from little me that day. It would be ten years before I realized what I had done.

Several failed serious relationships that were ended by my partners cheating on me, and a marriage gone the same way while I was overseas training in the National Guard, the bullying hadn't changed or gone away, and my strength was caving. News of my wife cheating on me sealed the collapse, and I wound up in the hospital twice for suicide attempt/thoughts.

Thanks to my brother, I decided to try one more time at life. I decided if I started to repeat the cycle of poor relationship choices and bullying stayed the same I would have my evidence that the cycle never was going to break and I could attempt again. Just today though, I was sparked to have a major epiphany.

I abandoned myself.

When I split from myself at the beginning of college, I turned on my inner child, despised him for being weak and picked on; For not fighting back and winning. I blamed myself for being weak and succumbing to being a victim.
In a day dream moment at the exact same time I had this realization, I saw my inner child, a 10 year old version of me, surrounded by shades of memories past, trappdd behind the incidents that scarred me so deeply. He looked at me and I knew what he said though I didn't hear him.

"Why did you leave me? Why didn't you help me? What did I do wrong?"

This realization made me shiver.
This is my C-PTSD. Abandonment.

It's why I over react when someone doesnt text me for long periods of time, why I have such little tolerance for people being brash in public. Why I became so easy to anger. Almost all my actions could be derived from emotions from abandonment: fear, anger, resentment, hopelessness, lonliness, hyper vigilance.

So now I know where to start. Wish me luck on my journey to recovery, and rescuing my inner child. See you on the forums, folks.

[Three Roses]

Ivan, you are so very brave! It's hard work to be sure, to pursue recovery. But you're doing it! Way to go!

[Ciel]

I found this book suggested on the forum yesterday, and started reading immediately. It has already helped me. If you're already familiar with it then I apologize for the redundancy; maybe someone else who sees this needs it as I did. And yes, I wish you luck.
"Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA"

[Moonlighter]

Hello, Ivan

I'm sorry to read about your pain.

I spent most of my life stuffing my child part away and I, too, suddenly became aware that my actions and my body's own reactions to situations were a result of that. Are you getting treatment now?

I offer my support, and a hug for your inner child. You can do this!

[radical]

Your post really touched me, Ivan.
I also abandoned myself for most of my life.  Your post has helped me think about that, particularly in relation to having been bullied as a child and as an adult.
I do wish you luck on your journey to recovering the parts of you that have been hurt.
I'm glad to you you on board here and look forward to hearing more from you.
Warmest wishes

[Kizzie]

That is a huge epiphany Ivan - sending a  for adult you and another big one for little you 

[sanmagic7]

you go, ivan.  and i think it just shows how brave your little you has been all this time, but especially to speak up to you in a way that made sense and makes you want to carry on.  he may not have been able to beat the bullies, but he survived all the horrors in his own way so that one day he could speak to you and let you know he was still there and was now relying on you.  being an adult, you have more power and resources than he ever had.

you can do this.  what a powerful story.  so glad you made it here.  recovery, although difficult at times, even painful, is empowering, and joins us with our inner child so that together we make the best human being we could ever hope to be.  with you all the way on your journey.  we're all here for you - you and your little you are not alone anymore.

[Whobuddy]

I do send you luck on your journey. You may be further along than you realize. The fact that you are self-aware of what is going on in and around you and you can articulate it so well is a very good thing.

I am so sorry to hear what you went through. Please keep sharing and writing. It helps to clarify and define your journey. You will also find out you are not alone.

[ivanthehunter]

the self awareness and ability to articulate stem from the hyper-vigilance with the bullying, its actually a positive side effect. definitely being out of my home town has helped tremendously. anyone near Montana- I highly recommend Winds of Change (Montana Wellness Inc., Aleph).

[Amethyst97]

Hello, Ivan! I'm sorry about your pain, and I'm sorry it's been constant, but we're all gonna get through this together! I dealt with some bullying as a kid, a lot of abandonment from friends - it can really be painful. But you're worth more than those jerks and it's a huge step to reach out for help!

[ivanthehunter]

I would say the most difficult part of it all, was that in the space of 2 months, I went from happily married with friends i liked and felt i could depend on and healing the relationship with my parents, to Being told by my mother to finish the job and having dad decide to stay out of it, My friends walking out on me, my wife leaving not only once, but also a second time after she decided to use counseling to extend her welcome in my apartment to get the rest of her things. all at once.

The other difficult part is that I lost everything I had worked for in my life. a home, a circle of support, a loving partner, family, even felt like the National Guard was a consistent, albeit very part time, career. I felt like and still do feel like I wasted 10 years, and now I am in that same place after high school, but with ten less years to accomplish my goals in life. This is the part that generates the hopelessness. If i rebuild it again, who's to say it wont collapse fully then? I suffered many smaller collapses in my life before the big fall, and I just can't take the cycle anymore.

[Dee]

 

[Three Roses]

in the space of 2 months, I went from happily married with friends i liked and felt i could depend on and healing the relationship with my parents, to Being told by my mother to finish the job and having dad decide to stay out of it, My friends walking out on me, my wife leaving not only once, but also a second time after she decided to use counseling to extend her welcome in my apartment to get the rest of her things. all at once.

This is an incredible amount of loss to sustain, and to have it all happen in 2 months is...I don't have words. I'm so very sorry to hear this. to you, you're not alone. We'll be right here, listening and walking alongside you.