Re: Self Abandonment- Intro

[RBShard]

Wow.
I've been wondering how I got to my late forties only to fall apart. I really feel like being diagnosed made me crumble. I was diagnosed last July. I have had a couple (5) of really terrifying rage episodes where I felt like I was possessed by a demon. I am an agnostic, so that feeling doesn't fit. I had never thought of self-abandonment, but that resonates with me.
I'm going to think about that--a lot. I feel like maybe that is what I did too.
Thank you for sharing and I hope your day (or night) is good--whatever that means for us broken people. 

[Three Roses]

Welcome, RBShard!

May I say it sounds like an emotional flashback (EF), the rage, the feeling unreal, like you're not in control.

Try this article: https://www.psychotherapy.net/article/complex-ptsd.  Hopefully it's fitting and the info gives you some comfort and reassurance. Thanks for joining!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello rb shard
Quote ' Ive been wondering how I got to my late forties only to fall apart'
I can really relate to this ..I'm in my 40s and really going through it .. it's been a long journey I'm worn out .. am in a place at the moment where I have all this knowledge of how my trauma plays out in me and needing therapeutic support ( awaiting assessments at the mo)
Are u in therapy may I ask ?
Quote 'terrifying rage episodes' I can remember going through this exact experience and I was terrified too. Terrified of what I was capable and what went through my mind .. I now see it was all the experience coming out of me, what went on when the trauma was happening - stored up pent up psychological and emotional experience - a big emotional flashback ( see Peter walker for more details)
Yes it can feel demonic. For me it was the energy of the past and it needed to come out finding safe ways to do that was important - pillow bashing, going to remote places and screaming , writing finding therapist / group .
You are not I repeat not a bad person you are a good person getting well and this process is natura for someone with complex trauma ..
Be gentle to yourself in the process
Keep connected here and know you are not alone

[WeFallToRiseAgain]

Hello RBShard, I have to agree with the others in this post. It sounds like an emotional flashback, and I can empathize with that. I had one over the weekend. They're never fun, and you never know how long they will last. Sometimes it feels like the rage and sadness seeps into your marrow and you have no where else to put it. Like it outweighs your own blood cells. It's a terrible feeling. However, being here, talking with people who are going through similar things.... is a step in the right direction. I agree with Boatsetsailrose, be gentle to yourself, and you are not alone.

[RBShard]

Breakthrough!!!
Yes these rage episodes are emotional flashbacks. What a relief to have a clue to what is happening.
The rage has made me feel like I wanted to skin myself alive to get out of my body. I am a calm, kind person when I am functioning normally, so these episodes were so alien to how I usually behave.
Thank you WeFallToRiseAgain, Boatsetsailrose, and Three Roses for your input and info. 

[WeFallToRiseAgain]

 I'm so happy to hear you've had a breakthrough.
Understanding what's going on is such a wonderful feeling, and it makes me ecstatic to hear the relief you've found.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Glad you have got identification and see it's not 'you' it's part of the disorder rbshard ..
Each time we identify and see more ways to heal and cope we gain a little bit more of our power and functioning