I'm giving up

[Dee]

So inpatient went something like this, you should go to an eating disorder program.  No, you should go to a trauma program that can treat an eating disorder.  It is important you be treated for PTSD, anorexia, and MDD.  There is not a PTSD program that treats an eating disorder that we can get approved for, so now just a PTSD program.  Here is one, it is a seven week program, one size fits all, what do you think?  Oh, there is a wait.

It also went something like this. You need to go right away.  It is going to be two weeks.  It is going to be the end of the month.  How does the summer look?

I think my providers meant well, just encountered more red tape than they could of possibly imagined.  I think they actually tried to do the best thing for me and was told they were wrong and couldn't do it that way.  What I don't understand is from my group there is a woman who was able to go to an eating disorder program and even got a dietitian when she returned.  I had to go out for a dietitian finally got one last week.  I don't know why she gets the program and I don't.  There seem to be resources for her that are not available for me.

I have issues with feeling I am less worthy and less important than others.  Now, I feel like I don't count.  Some people count more than others and I just am not one of them.

I am about to write my therapist and tell her to stop.  I know she has spent a lot of time on this and I don't want her to spend anymore time on it.

[radical]

I know that feeling of being worth less and being less important than others.
I know you are not worth less.  You matter more than you know.

[Three Roses]

You matter. You really do!

I totally understand that feeling of giving up. And I guess, in one way, it's even kind of healthy if you give up not with the idea of stopping progress or working on yourself, but with this open-handed, non-controlling, "universe please choose what's right for me" attitude. Giving up and letting go can be good, healthy things. It's all in how you approach it.

I care about you, Dee. I know others do, too. Don't believe that lying ol' voice that tells you otherwise. You are worth more than you realize.

[movementforthebetter]

 

Sometimes fighting the current is too hard, and the right thing to do is actually to swim diagonally instead of against it. If you have the "luxury" (extreme sarcasm) of waiting for a program, you at least have time to try out what it would feel like to give up on the red tape approach. If you can wait a few days before emailing your therapist, you may be clearer if that's really what you want, or if this is temporary frustration. You are absolutely worth the help you need. The form that help comes in is also something that you are worth having a say in.

I hope that makes sense and my writing wasn't too oblique. All my support to you.

[Candid]

I don't know why she gets the program and I don't.  There seem to be resources for her that are not available for me.

Can you ask her what care package she has, and how she qualified for it?

I have issues with feeling I am less worthy and less important than others.  Now, I feel like I don't count.  Some people count more than others and I just am not one of them.

As others have said, I'm the same way. When I read or hear "you matter as much as anyone else" I think: "Pssshhh, you're just being kind. And you don't know me, how horrible and useless I am...  "

I am about to write my therapist and tell her to stop.  I know she has spent a lot of time on this and I don't want her to spend anymore time on it.

Obviously it's your call, but waiting lists being as they are it's probably better to leave her beavering on. I was told four weeks till I see a trauma counsellor. It's been four weeks and no sign of anything. But I need to have a slender hope for the future...

Anyway, I wish you luck no matter which way it goes.  Hugs, Dee, and STAY WITH US.

[sanmagic7]

o, dee, i can't believe they're messing with your head like this.  dang!  i do hope you can hang tough, sweetie.  you're worth every minute anyone has put into this.  you're worth all the time and energy people are utilizing trying to get something going for you.  let them do their jobs, including your therapist.  she wants what's best for you and is willing to do what it takes.  let her do it.

in the meantime, you do yours.  stay with us, keep hanging on, and just know that you deserve to be helped as much as you've ever helped anyone else, as many times as you've gone the extra miles for them.   we've all been there in some way, shape, or form.  sometimes it's been my turn, sometimes someone else's.  this time it's your turn to just allow, to accept the help, to take.  my heart is with you, dee.  big hug to you, and hoping this gets resolved quickly so you don't have to continue to go through this waiting and wondering.  ugh!

[Blueberry]

Dee, I know from other posts of yours that you are strong. Hang in there. Good luck. Can't write more.

[bring em all in]

Please don't give up, Dee! We love you and appreciate you, and as others have said- you are worth it!

[Dee]

You all are great!  I didn't email my therapist; I'm letting things either happen or not.  My IRT therapist has been seeing me twice a week, my therapist once, and my psychiatrist once.  Today my IRT therapist said my therapist called yesterday and they talked for 45 minutes or so.  It was a hard session yesterday (the most I've ever gotten out) and my therapist shared with my iRT therapist what we discussed.  She then reinforced yesterday.  I really came away feeling like people are working together and going so far out of their way for me.  It's hard for me to understand why they would do that.  I going to ride that feeling today.  We went over weekend plans, I am being encouraged to get out of my destructive place and do things.  I am going to try.

Between all of you and them I feel supported.  That's a big deal right now.

[sanmagic7]

you go, girl!

[ivanthehunter]

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I found that light. How long did it take?

5 months.

I got tossed around by my army unit, my insurance, my therapist, two psych ward visits and suicide attempts, my family and friends bailed on me, my mother even told my I should have just finished the deed. They were dark times.

But I kept advocating for myself. This is a must. Part of my CPTSD is not being able to trust others to take care of me. This worked in my favor. It was only through my research that I found an answer. Not the doctor, therapist, or insurance company. I found a place called Winds of Change and though it was a 6 hour bus ride from my hometown, I packed up, got on the bus, and got into their program. Funnily enough, they specialize in eating disorders, depression, and PTSD (because my state doesn't officially recognize CPTSD)

Along the way I discovered that if someone was going to tell me NO, that that wasn't good enough, so I told them as much and asked for referrals to other people who might give me a useful answer or help me find one. I was pointed to Medicaid and discovered I actually do qualify for it, and that it could pay for my treatment.

It was a. Long and dark trip, but things are so much better now. If I can survive the rough seas as fragile as I was, I have faith that you can too. Self advocate, don't settle for less than you need, and give yourself a hug because you are worth it and you are the only one who's opinion on your worth matters.

[Dee]

Ivan,

Were you trying to go through the VA?  You reminded me to use the assertiveness skills I have been working so hard on.

Thank you,
Dee

[ivanthehunter]

I knew I was ineligible for VA benefits, but Tricare was ignorant of Nation Guard benefits and insisted on fighting with a VA facility to let me in for over a month. After they discovered I am not eligible, they jsut gave up and told me it wasn't going to happen. Montana Medicaid was the same, they gave up on me. But i knew something had to be out there.

I took it one road block at a time. How can I afford it? okay, tackled that, now where? K, found a place, so when will this happen? okay, the when is set, now what do i do until then?

don't look at it like one big problem. pick one question, and put the rest in a locked up chest and ignore them until you have answered one question and you are ready to tackle another.

5 months, it sucked, but now i know it was worth it.

[Dee]

Ivan, this really helps.  Thank you!

[ivanthehunter]

That's what we are here for Dee *bows* anytime . you get stuck, come back calling and we'll bring the lever to get you out the rut.