Facebook and Emotional Flashback

[Candid]

I guess I worried if I spoke up, someone would be mad at me; and that would leave me abandoned. 

Yes, me too. Do you realise this lack of authenticity repels the best people and attracts the worst (or no one)? I've know this for some time, but I've yet to figure out how to be authentic and devil take the consequences..

I think what they did is squelch our basic instinct to stand up for ourselves; and that is the greatest crime of all.

Absolutely. That and teaching us that everyone else matters more than we do. I've written elsewhere on this forum that I believe I wouldn't have been raped at 19 if I'd had any self-respect at all. IOW, I've always been an easy target and that just gives me even more to be angry about. Oh, and I was punished or ridiculed if I ever showed the least anger as a child.

If we as children are told to put up and shut up or else you won't survive-what are we going to do? Chose death?

I believe some of us do. I knew a young man who was the clear scapegoat of an overtly unpleasant mother, and he drank himself to death in his 30s. Oddly enough I saw him as "the one his mother didn't like" decades before I saw it in myself. Well, perhaps that isn't so strange. I've often thought my chronic shortsightedness is because I couldn't let myself 'see' what was going on. Also, my hair was white before my mother's had begun to go grey.

I have a couple situations with my therapist that I need to stand up for myself and I am terrified.  How hard should it be to say I don't agree with you on that.

Well, it's hardly a confrontation, is it? You could soften it by saying "I see things a bit differently" ... but I suspect this is a big issue, for you to be triggered by it and feel the need to raise it on Tuesday.

I seem to have been waiting for so long for an appointment with this trauma therapist that I'm sure I'm going to barge in demanding credentials. "Have you dealt with many adults traumatised as children? Do you acknowledge Complex PTSD? Specifically, do you know the effects of family scapegoating???"

I am angry; so angry and yet so scared to feel this emotion.

I hear you, my friend. I'm so full of rage I avoid getting into conversations with anybody. Only my husband gets yelled at, and I know that isn't fair.

[Healing Finally]

Hi Candid! Your experience sounds all too familiar to me!  I started partying at 17 to mask my anguish as I was being used as a scapegoat in the family due to my younger sister's NPD.  I was also bullied in Junior high as I was put in a private school in 7th grade.  My parents finally realized the anguish I was in and transferred me to the public jr. high in mid 8th grade, but unfortunately the damage was already done. 

"I think what they did is squelch our basic instinct to stand up for ourselves; and that is the greatest crime of all. " Yes jdcooper, THIS IS SO TRUE!  When I would come to my Mom or Dad with my anguish about being bullied or frustrated with my sister's self-absorbed behavior, they would say to me "Don't let it bother you, you are better than that..." or something to that effect, generally TOTALLY DISCOUNTING my experience.

Also, thanks Candid for sharing your potty training experience.  I will also share that one of my first memories is of being reprimanded by my father for having a #2 accident.  I remember hearing the bathwater running and we were in the hallway, he was saying to me "You aren't going to do this again are you?"  And I said "YES" meaning "Yes I won't do this again" but he thought I was being defiant and started to spank me.  I remember thinking in my head "No no, you don't understand!"  It was so awful for me!  I was probably 3 years old!

I also want to say how much I appreciate everyone's Candid  and honest sharing, I get triggered by these websites too, and sometimes can't come back for a week or more.  Today my spirits have been uplifted as I'm feeling less shameful and hard on myself, giving me the opportunity to actually be kind to myself and see a future of more happiness as I learn to heal.  Take care all!