relationships and social isolation

[esthergrace]

I don't post here very often - I think I posted here once! I find it very hard to talk properly about this stuff even though i'm quite a blunt and outspoken person.  I have talked flippantly about this stuff with a few people in person, but never deeper than scratching the surface; and even when I do talk a bit deeper about it I feel like it's not coming close to trying to describe everything.

Anyway, I grew up with domestic abuse - my dad was physically and mentally abusive. We always assumed he had a mental health issue of his own, though he never really went to see anyone about it. I'm not sure why i'm more affected than my mother or my brother. My sister never had anything bad directed at her at all. I seemed to get the worst of it all. I'd always been anxious anyway, so it just made things much worse. That coupled with being friends with some of the wrong people made it much worse.
When I was 16 I had a boyfriend who lived quite far away. He was terrible and emotionally abusive/emotionally blackmailed me a lot of the time. The only justification I had for staying with him is that I thought I loved him - but looking back at it now, I understand that I had a choice of staying at home and being physically and mentally abused, or going out and staying with that boyfriend and being treated somewhat normal (I thought it was normal but it wasn't.). I ended up getting pregnant and I had a miscarriage a couple of weeks after my 18th birthday.
during this period I was basically being thrown out of the house and rejected by everyone I know. I grew up in a Christian household, so that made it worse because everyone pushed me away further in the church and at home.

around this time I met my now fiancé, Alex and we have been together for nearly three years. he's about 7 years older than I am and he's very kind, supportive and loving.
I had no choice but to continue living at home with my family because of financial situations - I kept losing jobs because of my mental health - and the abuse continued. it wasn't until about 7 months ago that Alex and I were able to find a place to rent and move out together because the situation had become too volatile at home.
while some things have gotten better, many things have become worse.

I've become very dependent on my fiancé, and he's so supportive I feel like he is the only person I really trust, and even then that's at a stretch! I struggle with coping and I am extremely isolated. it's at the point where I can't do anything unless there is someone with me, and so I get very frustrated because I can never do things when i'm ready to do them... I have to wait until he (or mum or whoever) is ready to meet me and do things. I end up having outbursts and i feel like i'm not in control.
he isn't able to see his friends much because i struggle to cope. I can't explain it very well. At the moment he's probably the only person/thing that makes living with CPTSD slightly bearable and when he's gone, i struggle to cope without him. So i came up with a resolve for myself that if/when he does go out with his friends that i need to learn to cope on my own without him. unintentionally i push him away or i struggle to pretend to be happy when i'm really breaking down, but this always comes across as though i'm pushing him away or that i don't want him to see anyone else - which isn't true, i'm always trying to encourage him to meet up with his friends and that i don't want him to feel like he has to stay with me, i want him to have a life outside of my illness. 

But it's hard now because i lock myself away from the world so that i don't hurt anyone. I honestly can't tell when i'm doing it because I've lived this way so long that it's become ingrained in me that this is the way people are - especially when these abusive attitudes have been inflicted upon me by more than one person. So i hide myself away because i don't want to hurt anyone, and i feel like i'm still ruining Alex's life because he's the one person i can't run away from.

to be honest i don't even know if any of this is making any sense, but thanks in advance to anyone who manages to read this through to the end!

i just feel very lost, because i'm feeling very tired and i don't mean fatigue tired. A lot of the time i feel as though i'm ready to go. i know it sounds over dramatic but i'm just waiting for life to end because i'm so tired of how relentless this pain/hurt is.

[joyful]

Esthergrace--
I am so sorry for everything that you went through. I don't think you're being overdramatic at all. your pain and your hurts are valid. You are allowed to hurt.

But it's hard now because i lock myself away from the world so that i don't hurt anyone. I honestly can't tell when i'm doing it because I've lived this way so long that it's become ingrained in me that this is the way people are - especially when these abusive attitudes have been inflicted upon me by more than one person. So i hide myself away because i don't want to hurt anyone, and i feel like i'm still ruining Alex's life because he's the one person i can't run away from.

That describes me exactly, and I know it is so hard. It's hard to finally trust safe others with our real emotions when all that's happened to us when we opened up before was invalidation and put-downs and worse. Isolation is so hard. I'm still struggling through it very slowly. Sometimes (and this sounds bad) I feel like we have to just let ourselves isolate, do what we need to do, and then reconnect when we are ready. I don't know if that's healthy or not, but that's how I deal with it.
I'm so sorry again for how your dad and boyfriend hurt you. It wasn't right. You didn't deserve it

[sanmagic7]

esthergrace (beautiful name), i'm glad you posted.  i'm coming more and more to believe that part of c-ptsd's tragedy is what it does not only to us who suffer from it, but to those who care about us, who can't understand much as they'd like to, and who end up watching someone they care about suffer so badly.  i hate that part of it at least as much if not more.  my dear hub has been going thru this with me for 15 yrs., bless him.  it's been rocky at times, and i hate seeing him suffer in his confusion and inability to understand.

i get what you're talking about when you say you don't go places without someone else.  been there, done that.  i used to be entirely independent, not relying on anyone for most anything (learned not to!) so to have that reversed on me because of this beast we call c-ptsd has been jolting at times.  i've learned more and more over the years how to live with it (even before i knew what it was), how to live with myself as i am now. 

maybe, as joyful suggests, you just need this time to isolate and depend on him.  i'm thinking that as you go forward with your recovery, things will change.  your perspective and perceptions of yourself and others will change.  as you learn to trust yourself more, you will be able to trust being with others more.  are you seeing a therapist?  hopefully, that will help your process go a bit more quickly, a bit more smoothly.  plus the caring and support from the people on this forum.  that's helped me so much!

it will take time, small steps, forward and sometimes back, but as long as you keep moving you'll get there.  i can relate to wanting it to be done with, too.  this stuff wears us down to our souls.  hang tough, esthergrace.  we're hangin' right beside you!

[radical]

I'm really sorry you are in such pain, and glad you've joined us.

You are making a lot of sense to me, what you are describing is a known outcome of extended experiences of abuse.

I'm going to take a different tack and say that it can cause a self-perpetuating cycle and it can also be dangerous to rely on just one person for everything.  If you can find some help, and start learning to trust someone else, anyone else, to even a small degree, it might help.  Even a pet that requires walking, if necessary, someone else's pet could make a difference

I understand the feeling of being very afraid when I move outside of my comfort zone, and the problem that the main relief from increased pain that can accompany moving away from that comfort, being returning to safety.  What I've found is that I have to feel like * over quite a long period in order to start feeling comfortable in other situations.

As much as I'm loathe to suggest it in some ways, medication might make being outside of your comfort zone more bearable.  It sounds like you are very depressed.  Two things which are also proven to make a difference with depression are; a healthy diet free of sugar and highly processed foods, and including vinegar, pro-biotic yoghurt and fermented foods. such as pickles, sauerkraut and kefir and secondly, regular aerobic exercise.  Maybe you could get started by joining an exercise class or going walking, running, cycling or horseback riding, with your partner.  If he was prepared to help get you started it would be great.

Another thing that might help is psychotherapy, either one to one or in a safe group.

You are really not alone with this.  It is so painful, but I do think that remaining within that safe space with one safe person could make the walls of your prison higher and thicker.  Any small step is important and valuable, and worthy of great self-congratulation.

You've taken a big step in speaking here.  I know we will be happy to be a cheering squad for you, if you like us to be, and this site is also a great source of comfort and support.  Hope to see more of you around here!

Cyber-hugs if you want them.

[esthergrace]

@joyful @sanmagic @radical
Thank you so much for responding to this! It's really comforting having input from others who have gone through similar things. I find it hard because i go through periods of this so sometimes are better than others. maybe i'll have a couple of really good weeks, but the effort that i put in to having those good weeks drains me mentally and so i crash and get really bad again, resulting in really bad weeks instead of trying to keep it on a level.

i agree with both opinions, that when i need the isolation i should take it and not worry about depending on my partner. i try my hardest not to depend on him too much because i do guilt trip myself about it a lot - i know it can be equally as isolating for him if i rely on him over long periods of time; however, he always tells me he wants to be there for me at the worst times because i literally have no one else that i can feel this way freely with, without having a lot of the symptoms denied or 'normalised' (all of my friends are at uni, or live too far away and can't drive here etc. and family sort of swept this under the rug so as not to have the abuse happening at home as severely again) .

i agree with the healthy eating and exercise. a lot of foods i haven't been able to eat because i get severe IBS and Acid Reflux, but its taken me a long time to get all of my eating healthy for my body (as in i can't eat a lot of beans, legumes, onions, peppers, certain dairy products etc so it prevents me from trying new things, because if i have one thing that affects the IBS and Acid Reflux, then it affects my whole mental attitude. i try not to, but having a complete lack of control over my life for too many years has made me like a control freak down to every last detail of my small existence, so when i get ill i REALLY panic). I exercise about 5 days a week as well as trying to walk and do yoga daily, and i have been on SSRIs in the past but they didn't agree with me. I have 25mg of quetiapine, but i'm only small and even that dose seems to knock me out cold for at least a day or two, so when i have really bad times i take 1/4 to 1/2 a pill and it takes the edge off things, even if it means sleeping for half the week.

i think thats the most tiresome thing.  I've missed out on a lot of things because i choose to do things that will be good for me so i can get better. i'll probably sound really jealous saying this, but I've always taken care of my health: i never drink or do drugs or smoke, and i work so hard at doing all the right things all the therapists etc have told me over the years, yet i barely get by; it angers me that there are people my age who completely trash their bodies and their lives, yet they are still able to travel and work and have kids. It angers me that i choose not to do these things when it would be so easy to just drink myself silly or get a drug addiction so i don't have to feel anymore.
I'm constantly putting in the effort 100% of the time and I've sacrificed so much, including what people think of me - because most people don't understand. I kind of have to tell people that i can't show up because of anxiety, because delving into this stuff is too much for most people to handle, so they just switch off and think it's drama or something. (or they try to trivialise it "everyone gets that every now and then" "we've ALL been abused, everyone has been abused")

My occupational therapist told me to set goals, like long term goals, medium term and short term goals, then break them down further into achievable steps; and I've been doing this, and I push myself daily because i know the direction I want to go in. But it frustrates me seeing friends and other people deciding to do these things on a whim, and achieving them in a matter of weeks because they have the money and the mental capacity to do that stuff. Whereas ive got my goals and then its like, to do that i need to have qualification 'X', to do that i need money, to have that i need to work, and to do THAT i need to be well enough - well enough meaning: being able to brush my teeth twice a day every day, to feed myself properly, shower, leave the house etc at BAD times as well as the good times. At the moment, that's not happening.. its got better, but when the bad times hit like the past week or so, it's been really hard. the one thing that keeps me going is hitting the gym and talking to my partner (strength training and gaining physical strength makes me feel less vulnerable.. it's something i used to do as a kid. i convinced myself that if i could run faster, or had more muscle then at least the violence side would be less painful or last for a shorter amount of time).

anyway, sorry for the long message again! i feel like i'm ranting, but i wanted to divulge further on a few points that were brought up in your comments to give a better picture of what I've been doing. Thanks again for your replies, and sorry for the mish-mash of info and grammatical errors. I've literally been writing it as it comes before I forget.

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/Smileys/classic/blowup.gif

[radical]

Hi Esthergrace,

I find it so frustrating when people assume I don't know things that I know very well and I'm not working on problems, when I'm working my arse off.  It wasn't clear to me where you were with knowledge and expereince of this horrible condition.  It sounds like you are pushing yourself very hard. 

[sanmagic7]

it does sound like you're pushing yourself very hard - maybe too hard at times!  i've had to listen and learn not to overdo (and i'm not always very good at that yet) when i'm feeling pretty good because, like you, i tend to crash and burn, and am out of it for several days.  finding that balance can be difficult.  when i'm feeling pretty good, i want to do what i used to do, feel more 'normal'.  well. it seems that i have to keep re-learning that lesson!  maybe, soon i hope, i'll 'get it'.

in the meantime, it's ok to take a break from all this.  you are unique in your needs right now, and it's ok to acknowledge, accept, and honor that (aah!).  go at the pace dictated by your body and brain, just like you do with your food.  (i have that ibs problem, too, and i've had to eliminate a lot of what i used to eat without thinking twice about it).  i've also written about tackling this that and the other quickly and hard and paying for it with exhaustion or illness.  either we have to slow ourselves down, or our bodies/brains will do it for us.

best to you.  find a pace that suits you.  you're still moving, even if it's a little more slowly than you'd like.  we're here with you. 

[radical]

I'm glad you mentioned that San, and put it really well.

I hope you can be gentle with yourself, Esthergrace, and see being kind to yourself as being one of the most important kinds of 'work' we can do for ourselves in overcoming trauma.

You are worth kindness  -from others and from yourself.  Also, rest and recreation, whatever little things can give you a break from endless struggle, they aren't an optional extras but human necessities