On being a doormat

[radical]

Note - Content removed at member's request.

[Three Roses]

    

I'm still having trouble forming cohesive thoughts, please forgive me if this incoherent.

Your feelings matter, radical. You matter. Your T was not a good fit for you, at best, and possibly incompetent. If you have left her and still feel as you do, she was of no use to you. And that is what she was there to do - to help you. That is not your fault, and in fact I think you can give yourself a big congratulatory pat on the back that you now see her for what she is.

I get it tho, how you feel ashamed and sorry for yourself but maybe that's the beginning of healthy, rational anger with her. Like a step in the grieving process or something. Whatever you are feeling, it's valid. Big hugs to you as you go thru this, examining your feelings and thought processes you've carried this far.

[Candid]

A few people might recognise something.

Yes, I do. As far as I know I was born 'wrong' and have remained wrong ever since. It's a hard trait to break. If people get angry with me or disagree with me I know I'm 'wrong' again. When people praise me I think "they're just being kind". Like you, I could cite plenty of times when other people used me then tossed me aside. I let pretty much anyone abuse me.

I believe whoever said "We teach other people how to treat us", but that's a tough one for those of us whose primary caregivers taught us to treat ourselves so harshly. I hope you'll put the blame squarely where it belongs -- on this 'therapist' -- and do whatever it takes to be kinder to yourself.

[woodsgnome]

I've been coming back to this feeling forever as well. Reach out in hope, feel like I can finally trust someone or some thing, and tip the scales to the nefarious 'other'; the one who will fix my failure to heal myself, and...all that hope seems to drain one's energy instead, including the will to try again. Unfortunately this begins to morph into a belief that I'm no good, period; not just a passing feeling.

First thing is to downgrade the 'worthless me' notion--it is, after all, just a concept, albeit a very strong one; and these are always changing, in flux. Even the world carries this illusion, as it sure looks like it's not spinning round, nor does it even look like it's circular--until one leaves it and looks back from space. The leaving involves lots of trial and error to reach that point, but it's doable. Maybe that's grasping at straws, but it indicates that not all  is as it seems. It's popular to say 'live in the now' when in fact it appears this precious moment isn't still, but more of a continuous movement. We can't really call it still, even; but we do, since language is, as Rumi once said, "an imperfect tailor shop".

In part, I say that out of equal desperation to yours, as it hurts to read how you put yourself down. Hurts for you, for me, for this group. But it's brutally honest, too. It's so familiar...what's good about it? It isn't--as in this fear isn't good/bad or right/wrong. It's only part of the movement which we fight, and then get overwhelmed by its seeming power.

Hope will build; its nature is to do so. You've also built powers of observation that have swung to the desperate side again. Easy for me to say. Why? Because it's where I've been so often, cried about endlessly, and wonder why I'd go there again. The only relief I've felt is when I can dampen the 'self' concept with meditation, or preferably with no technique other than acceptance that I have made it this far, and AM worthy of that small slice of joy, if nothing else;  even if that's just another comparison. We look for those, too, and forget to see the beauty in ourselves, which can be found in the movement, which we slow down and call now. We find our first step ahead that way; but need to slow way down to find it at all.

The reason I bring beauty in is simple--your sharing here is a beautiful expression of hope beyond hope, past any category really. It's an expression of beauty behind the obvious pain from which it springs. I'd like to say it'll change, and it does--but rarely instantly and often not apparently, like the globe supposedly spinning when it doesn't seem that way.

I once had a dream that involved backing a vehicle with poor traction, at night, over a long distance on a treacherous, isolated, snow-covered path with no visiblity. I was correcting a wrong turn to begin with, following someone's bad advice which had directed me to that dangerous point in the first place. Finding similarities in that vision to cptsd's journey doesn't require much imagination. Retracing the route--as in recovery--seems more dangerous than finding some other way. Impossible as it seems, it becomes the only way. I can't recall the dreams details as to how I did recover from that imminent danger, but I guess I did; and on my own, apparently.

Courage, friend, to find that you're always at this point where the outside circumstance looks utterly hopeless. Maybe we need better words (I need fewer of them, LOL), but again, I return to the inner beauty that will guide you past these current troubles. Worthy? You're more than worthy. Thank you for being here.

[movementforthebetter]

Oh Radical, I missed your post and I'm sorry. Huge hugs to you.

[radical]

Thank you MFTB, Candid and three Roses.
Your support, and your hearing me matters so much.

Woodsgnome, Your beautiful words brought tears.  You have such a depth of understanding and insight.  The gift to weave words so intricately... takes my breath away.  Thank you.

Yesterday what I wrote about my T was just a fragment, but one I felt a burning need to express. As in this case, anger for me is often a brittle shell over hurt.  I feel grief for the people I've lost and i don't know what to do with it or where to put it.  I know the circumstances mean there can be no resolution, but I find it so hard to rebuild when I feel such sorrow. 

We were trying to create something together, and there was so much work and improvisation and learning in the moments of needing to get done so many things we had little collective expertise in achieving.   I came to feel attachment and affection for many of those people, not from long heart-to-heart conversations, but from the slow process of people unfolding together.  It felt like I was ripped out.  Ironically, in part we were building a community and we expected to end up being neighbours and friends for the long haul.  Such a mad and dangerous dream.

The person/offender/dangerously damaged individual involved, was part of another group that mattered to me, that I trusted, and when I tried to speak there about what happened it was awful, but what I'm left with most, is the magnitude of the loss of people I cared for.

And now I'm losing the relationship with my therapist.

One thing though, if anyone wonders where all the truly beautiful people are, they're right here on OOTS.  We may have been battered by them, but at least our storms have washed us up here.

[Dee]

I missed this post, I make a point to try to reply to your post because I value you so much.  You have brought such insight and genuine caring that I want to return it in any way I can.  Always, when I feel hopeless you are there!  I feel you are moving forward, as difficult as it is.  I don't know exactly what is going on, but I do know that you are very intelligent and caring.  I often read your posts and think "she is so smart."  Be true to you, follow your heart and not the critic in your head.