Anyone else with sex and love addiction?

[hurtbeat]

Well, you read the title. *trigger warning* just to be safe.

I self diagnosed myself with S.L.A when I read about it online.
Ever since I was a child I escaped into fantasies about being loved and the only love I could think of was that between a man and a woman.
I partly blame cartoons for this where all the princesses got their prince in the end and lived happily ever after.
I would escape into daydreams for hours about this and fall in love with cute boys in my school for years even though I never dared talking to them.

I am still an attention junkie even though I also am a freeze- type and don't get out much.
But when I find a man I sometimes become way too attached and super needy.
My last relationship was an open one but after 2 years I found out that he was a lying sociopath whom had lied to me every day and given me everything I wanted so that he could parasite off of me.
We planned to move in together but I am glad I found out in time and broke it off immediately.

Now I feel stupid and understand that no sane person would want a relationship like we had but he gave me so much attention and made me feel special so I fell down pretty hard after that.

I've had some loose connections, which was fine, but now I keep falling into the arms of the same man even though I promised myself that I wouldn't.
He is a simple guy from a similar family as me and I don't think he gets why I keep away from him at times.
It's fine when we are together but afterwords he wants to be alone and I end up feeling abandoned even though we agreed not to take it further, then I won't hear from him in a week or two until next time he's feeling frisky.
I wouldn't date this guy since he is not my type at all but I found myself longing for him and falling into a crush like I used to as a child.
I think I've managed to stifle those feelings and think about what it really is.
It's not him, I just crave love so desperately.
Every time I say "no" he notices how love thirsty I am and gives me compliments and tells me he likes hanging out with me and I fall for it every time.

Being intimate is nice, you get endorphin rushes that keeps the anxiety away but sometimes it can turn into anxiety as well if I have a bad day.
I don't think I was abused but I got interested in these things very early and kind of obsessed over it the way I obsessed about being in love. (I partly blame society for sexualising women and girls)
If I'm not intimate for a longer period of time I can get super anxious, it's like a black, painful cloud spreading all over my heart and it hurts physically.

I just don't know what to do, we humans need each other and I love hanging out with friends but easily get isolated and don't talk to people. My friends and I don't see each other as much as I would want to because they have lives.
And I don't.
And I only feel comfortable around a few, select people who knows me and won't judge me which makes it so much harder to find new people.
Like I am an attention seeking, love craving hermit.
Other that that I just sit by the computer and don't know what to do with myself and my life, I just feel so lost.

[movementforthebetter]

I relate to a lot of what you wrote. Over the last year I have made lots of progress in enforcing boundaries. I am still working on self-esteem and self-care. I think these things combined will help reduce the "need" for a romantic relationship. But like you, I start to feel bleak after longer single spells. And like you, I'm sure that desire to connect is natural. I don't have any answers, but your post echoes a lot of what's in my head sometimes.

[hurtbeat]

Thanks for sharing, it makes it a little easier to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way (even though I wish we would all feel better than this).

This is kind of like being a food addict, you gotta eat but not overdo it.
And you gotta love but in a healthy way.

My boundaries are very fluent, I'll try and do what you did and set firm boundaries even though I easily convince myself that I am fine and could go for a little "harmless fun".
It's never harmless.

[sanmagic7]

never harmless, indeed!

if you believe you are a sex addict, there are 12-step groups that are geared to this specifically.  they may be helpful.

i've had the experience of wanting men, going to bed with them, not so much for the sex itself but for the touch and the feeling of being attractive.  it took me a while to figure those out.   much work needed on both of those, both of which stemmed back to my dad.  didn't get that or hugs/safe touch from either parent, but my dad was the man who i wanted to please and have him be proud of me.   

i'm now married for 15 yrs. to a man i love, and i honestly don't know what i would feel like if i were single again.  hopefully, i've worked through these issues thoroughly enough that they wouldn't be a problem anymore.  i won't know, tho, until/if that time comes.  i hope it doesn't.

best to you with this.  it can be complicated to wade through and discover what the root cause is.  you sound like you're very good at self-reflection, tho, so i don't doubt you'll find what you're looking for, even tho it's probably not in the arms of another man.  i see you as moving forward - keep it up.

[hurtbeat]

I've been in touch with 12-step programs but I think working with my CPTSD might be just as good.
I took a break right now as I know I can fall into dangerous habits of dating, staying away might be on the other end of the spectrum but it's a good way to start I think.
Hopefully dating will be a better experience once I resolve some of my intimacy issues

[mook]

Hi heartbeat, a lot of what you posted resonated... I've been to a few SLAA meetings and they helped a little, but attending to my CPTSD has helped lift those impulses a lot more, I'm sticking to the mantra of not entering any kind of romance whilst in treatment (so far so good), I need the attention sometimes, and have unfortunately fallen into behaviour of contacting ex's etc, but curbed the pattern as soon as I observed it... I too fell in love with the idea of the opposite sex at an early age, and was drawn to the hypnotic effect of falling in love (I still am, but much more aware of the reasons why) this time last year I was madly in love and it was reciprocal, I thought I had been abandoned again, but my therapist referred to her as "the one you told to leave you" which hit pretty hard, as I realised I've done that a lot and then indulged in the idea of being denied love (we do this over and over it seems) A shock to discover that it's not because I'm unlovable, but it's me that is frightened of being intimate so makes sure the other gets the message to leave... 

[hurtbeat]

I feel you, mook!
I've been a bit scared to go to SLAA meetings myself because I'm afraid that I'll bump into others who are just as eager to fall in love as I am, it could be a dangerous trap.
I figure that the work I need to do is something I have to do alone and maybe together with a therapist.

Yesterday I was contacted by that man again, I didn't answer but I could feel my inner child jumping with excitement at the prospect of a warm hug to make her feel good about herself.
It's been a bit easier if I imagine that there's another person within me, a child who has these desperate feelings and whom I need to distract and love as much as I can.
Though it's hard to show love towards an entity inside your own body when you crave physical touch so much.

I think that what you wrote about abandoning yourself is the core of my problem as well, it's easy to fall in love and fake emotions when you get an endorphin and dopamine rush but it's not real intimacy.

I had to cave in to fantasizing about love yesterday to get some relief, I call it "fangirling" because it reminds me of how girls can fall in love and obsess over celebrities that they've never met.
It all goes on in your head and make you feel good even though the relationship isn't real, but the rush is real enough. </3

[hurtbeat]

By the way, I recommend the movie "thanks for sharing" about sexaddiction

[mook]

you know, that was why I only lasted a few meetings, I felt that temptation within myself...

I don't want to believe I fake emotions, or that it's not real intimacy, only that I don't know how to process those emotions and end up sabotaging the opportunity of connecting with someone deeply, but I try to be as open minded as I can, so I could be projecting, I just know that there is so much love in me that I need to be directing it toward myself... I've known that for a long time I guess, I am still struggling to actually do it... hoping that someone will show me how... but I need to learn it for myself...

I don't think it's just girls that fantasise about people they don't know... it's safe to be involved in a relationship where the other person isn't involved... I spent so much of my teenage years lost in that dynamic... *, even into my twenties if I'm honest... maybe even still... but in my book, fantasy can be a healthy release, not something to be seen as a weakness...

i shall look up 'thanks for sharing' it's not often it's something I sit and admit to...

sorry that my autocorrect changed hurtbeat to heartbeat... part of the annoyance of technology trying to help!

peace.

[hurtbeat]

I realize it didn't come out right when I wrote "fake emotions", my emotions are very intense and real as well but they are more often than not based on what's going on in my fantasy rather than what's actually happening in real life.
So my point was that they are based on something I made up and therefore they are "faked".
I imagine this might make me seem engaged but also distant to someone when they look into my eyes, as if I am drugged and feel good because of my high and not because we are together.
And I do feel engaged but I lost count of the times when I've looked back and thought: "What was I thinking"?

Of course this leads me to questions about any mood alterations at all like: is it ok to alter your mood with music but not with fantasies of falling in love?
Is it ok to do it some times but not all the time?

And then on to bigger questions like the one Haddaway asked some time ago: what is love?

Some argue that love is much like a psychosis because it throws away all rational thoughts; now that's a scary notion since this seems to be my best way to self soothe.
How can one find joy in everyday life when you've tasted the sweet highs and lows of love and intimacyaddiction?
I am afraid that I won't feel the same adventurous excitement about normal stuff that I do with my inner drugs.

[mook]

where to start??? I think it's helpful to separate healthy and unhealthy behaviour, maybe by tracing back where it started, and also separating sexual thrill from deeper emotions...

On a base level, the psychosis that you mentioned is there in order for us to mate, simple as that, so if we can look at it in that way, similar to hunger making us want to eat... sometimes it may feel like magic, but that is all it is...

where it gets complicated, as far as CPTSD, is the emotional hunger that has never been satiated, so the need for attention, nurture, comfort and a feeling of being cared for is seemingly never-ending... as far as I understand it, that is the traumatised child that slipped into fantasy to survive the abuse (my therapist has returned to that theme many times, in fact this week, he said to me "given the choice between fantasy and reality, fantasy will win every time")

I'm afraid this might sound so cliche, but I'm gonna say it anyway... because it's true, we look for the love and attention from others because we don't know how to give it to ourselves... I'm still some way from learning how, I'm deep into the process of releasing the damaged child who is totally freaked out by everything but I hope I can connect with it and learn how to give it the love it is so desperate for, but I now know it has to start there, I've a * of a long list of failed relationships/love affairs/connections all because of the same thing... I don't know how to love because I never learned how to trust, I only learned how to distrust, and that love = hurt, so the goal is to change that view to love = nurture... then the repeat cycle hopefully will stop... I know it's all so easy to say, I still battle with the temptations all the time, and I'm far from clean of the behaviour, but if I can say to myself that once I know I can't unknow... then at some point I can convert that knowledge into actual healthy emotional living... I don't know how much of that you can relate to, but I can only talk of my experience, I can only share and hope that you might gain a little something from it...

And as always, remember... the trauma did this to us... we are not the trauma... we are not bad people, we are trying, we are learning and we are reaching out, some good HAS to come from that, we have to believe in that, then the joy in everyday life can come, sometimes I taste it, so I know it's there, and I'm sure you do to... deep down.

peace.

[hurtbeat]

I agree that it's good to separate between healthy and unhealthy, that's what I thought I did every time.
And even if I tried to refrain from unhealthy "crushing" it would often overpower me and force me to let it run it's course.
As far as I know these things happen to neurotypical people as well, it's a confusing high that hijacks your brain.
Deeper emotions usually doesn't develop until you've known each other for a while, I thought I had that with someone but he turned out to be a compulsive lying manipulator.
How can we truly know until it's too late?
I suppose no one can.

The only way I can think of right now is to keep away from men altogether but going from one extreme to another isn't that helpful.

I've decided to try and take things slow now and only make friends, if I end up with someone it would have to be after a long period of dating (and analysing everything he says and does).
One thing that I usually keep in mind is that it often takes 2 years for the initial crush to wear off and what you're left with is the love that has grown from it.
That's usually when the relationships end for me, sex has become boring and we've started to pull away from each other more and more.
So no major life decisions before a minimum of 2 years have passed.

Indeed, once we know we can't unknow,
I'm also trying to un- marinate myself from the trauma and the inner critic that keeps me from crying healthy tears even when I'm by my self.

Richard Grannon talked about feeling excited about your life, I suppose healthy people feel like that and not only when in an emotional high.
It seems like a much better deal than sex and love addiction.

[Blueberry]

I self-diagnosed a long time ago as SLAA anorexic. (This does exist in the SLAA literature.) I have been in SLAA meetings and wasn't the only anorexic. Anorexics may have quite a lot going on in their heads  but otherwise not too much. It was a pretty triggering topic for me though. Some of the time it was good to share, but I don't go to meetings of any type any more, generally. One a year maybe, then that's enough. I usually trigger other people with my anger and they trigger me with some comments or other. I find if people in a 12 Step group all tend to do one type of therapy (this is the case in my country) then the therapy 'wisdom' flows into the 12 Step group too and here it's somewhat contrary to trauma-based therapy. At least that's what I find. The way that postings on Out Of The Fog main forum can be triggering for us C-PTSD people.

Also as somebody else said, the trauma therapy is the focus now.

I've also done a lot of what might be called holding therapy or attachment therapy for adults (there's no sexual content) which has done wonders for reducing my need for physical contact. The need was never really sexual anyway in my case (see anorexia - I'm not saying this is a healty state to be in either) but the more addictive (as opposed to anorexic) problems I spoke up about in SLAA are much reduced.

[hurtbeat]

I've never hear the term "SLA anorexic" but It makes sense, I should think it has something to do with being counterdependent(?)
Like either we overdo it or totally stay away from it.
I think I ended up being a bit SLA anorexic myself right now as it is the lesser of two evils but I know that I'll have to practice having relationships soon and at a gentle pace.

Good thing we got trauma therapy now, I've also looked into the 12-step program because I could identify with addicts on an emotional level and the adults of my FOO were both children of addicts.
Though it never felt truly right for me.