Wow

[Soulflower]

sorry i dont know where to post this. im losing my mind, been posting lots im sorry.
im so withdrawn, dont want to be bothered with anyone, been going on off/on all my life but these last couple months its been terrible. i dont even answer when my son calls. sometimes i feel like things arent even real, like im not really apart of any moment. all i want to do is dull my senses, as quickly and efficiently as i can. ive spent the last couple decades drunk and using hard drugs, been clean nearly 4 months. i do smoke cannabis and as of lately im starting to abuse my night time meds.
im so lost.

[Three Roses]

sometimes i feel like things arent even real, like im not really apart of any moment

This sounds like you may be experiencing something called derealization, or depersonalization -

Derealization - This is one of a number of symptoms of CPTSD and is a form of dissociation in which a person feels as though the world around them is not real, that they are in a dreamlike state and detached from their feelings. This maladaptive strategy is used when CPTSD sufferers face overwhelming trauma they cannot escape (as in childhood abuse).

Depersonalization – This is one of a number of symptoms of CPTSD and is a form of dissociation in which a person feels as though they are not real, that they are disconnected from themselves, and are somewhat distant or detached from what is happening to them. This maladaptive strategy is used when CPTSD sufferers face overwhelming trauma they cannot escape (as in childhood abuse).

We have a glossary section here (http://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-glossary/) If you (or anyone) has suggestions for additions to the glossary, let a moderator know.

Congrats on your 4 month sobriety! I've turned off my feelings my whole life, with a substance or behavior or whatever, and only in the last 8 or 9 months have begun to face them. It hurts, for sure, but I'm tired of running. Running just makes me tired but doesn't solve anything. I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm now an adult with resources I never had as a child, and not reliant on anyone for survival but myself. I matter, and I'm worth taking care of. And so are you.

[Coco]

Three Roses, thank you, that was really helpful information for me. I was like that from 17 throughout all my 20s. It was very hard. It is helpful to understand myself.

[Soulflower]

sometimes i feel like things arent even real, like im not really apart of any moment

This sounds like you may be experiencing something called derealization, or depersonalization -

Derealization - This is one of a number of symptoms of CPTSD and is a form of dissociation in which a person feels as though the world around them is not real, that they are in a dreamlike state and detached from their feelings. This maladaptive strategy is used when CPTSD sufferers face overwhelming trauma they cannot escape (as in childhood abuse).

Depersonalization – This is one of a number of symptoms of CPTSD and is a form of dissociation in which a person feels as though they are not real, that they are disconnected from themselves, and are somewhat distant or detached from what is happening to them. This maladaptive strategy is used when CPTSD sufferers face overwhelming trauma they cannot escape (as in childhood abuse).

We have a glossary section here (http://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-glossary/) If you (or anyone) has suggestions for additions to the glossary, let a moderator know.

Congrats on your 4 month sobriety! I've turned off my feelings my whole life, with a substance or behavior or whatever, and only in the last 8 or 9 months have begun to face them. It hurts, for sure, but I'm tired of running. Running just makes me tired but doesn't solve anything. I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm now an adult with resources I never had as a child, and not reliant on anyone for survival but myself. I matter, and I'm worth taking care of. And so are you.

thank you for taking the time to read and reply, this is something ive done off/on since my teens as well. 40+ now. im doing the best i can with what i have.