Feeling at home and feeling your own worth

[hurtbeat]

I was never welcome in my mothers house, she would often treat me as a squatter that had to go asap even though she hated it when I tried to become independent.
Routine was never a part of our family life and now at 30 I still struggle with routine and feeling at home in my own apartment.
I always thought I never wanted a family of my own since I feel like I couldn't handle it but as I am resolving some old stuff I actually find that wanting a family is one of my biggest wishes really.

Maybe I could handle it in the future?
The mere idea is mind blowing to me.

I always thought that I was no good at the whole "relationship thing" since I've often gotten restless and pulled away from people but as I am resolving my past I realize that it wasn't all my fault that everyone left me.

Today I still struggle to claim my space in my new, bigger, apartment that I recently moved to.
I have moved in and out from boyfriends apartments and they always threw my things away to make space for their nice things, so I don't have all the nice furniture you could expect of a 30 year old and this fills me with shame.
I want to have a really nice place before I invite people so I rarely invite anyone.

Right now I am saving money like crazy to buy new and nice furniture but my salary is very low.
I realize that I have to think about my worth as an employee as well, If I can resolve my stress problems that are connected to learning new things and being in new places maybe I can become a valued employee with confidence!

I read a little bit from my CPTSD- bible by Pete Walker every day, from only seeing darkness in my future there is actually hope!

[Phoebes]

Hi, Hurtbeat,

Boy I can really relate to your feelings about your own place. I am older now, but I remember feeling that others I knew had nicer, or more established things, and even owned homes (something that never occurred to me I could do until much much later). I always thought I liked moving around a lot, vagabond, nothing holding me down. Which was true. But I secretly felt unworthy.

Now that I'm older, I have owned a home, have saved up for nicer "grown up" furniture, car, etc. and I have since sold my home and most things, and live in a tiny place with simple, used items from Craigslist. And feel just fine! They are still nice things. I don't have space to invite more than one or two people for a simple dinner. I like living minimally and have discovered I am doing it for myself. I think the key to any of it is get to the bottom of what is truly "you" and feel good about doing things your own way, whether or not they match societal norms. If they do, that's ok too! DOn't feel bad about making your own way and style, even if it's nothing like you thought.

[hurtbeat]

Thanks for your thoughts, Phoebes! It means a lot.

I am actually quite content with small space living just like you and could suffice with a smaller place but I have 3 cats so I had to think about them too.
Also this new neighbourhood is way more secure and calm than my last nightmare place in the ghetto.
And now I have a small patio ("garden") that I always wanted I am planning on using it as therapy and hope I can transform it to my own little piece of heaven.
The cats will love it too!

The living room is the "worst" place, my couches are too small but if I were to buy new ones at a flea market then I would need someone to transport them and I don't like relying on others for help like that.
I'd much rather order home service from Ikea or something.
And I want big, comfortable couches and a big TV with some games so that I can watch movies and play games with people.
Right now it's a pretty soul- less room with bare walls and the couches look too small for the size of the room.

I don't know, it's just such a hassle buying furniture without a car.
I have tried getting my drivers license but people who promised to help me co- drive always bailed on me so I gave up on it.

It makes me realize how important it would be to have a drivers license and a car, my freedom would increase and I wouldn't have to depend on others so much.

[Phoebes]

Your space sounds amazing! Your little sanctuary. I'm a big fan of Ikea, and the price is right!

I can really relate to your not welcome in your mom's house. It was more like I was "company", welcome for a short time, and my things being in t he house became an imposition on her after a couple of days. I had a small number of momentos in my old lost still, on the top shelf, and she hounded me to take them out for a while. I didn't have space for them at the time, so she threw them out. I didn't realize at the time, but other parents like to keep such things about their kids, even when grown. Who knew?

One thing my new therapist told me recently was that we Narc abuse survivors/people with C-PTSD tend to "never grow up" because our natural stages of development were stunted at every turn. Not allowed to develop. I don't know if you relate to this, but looking back, I sure do! But then again, I've also come to believe that we can pick up at any time and start developing an authentic self. No need to "act like a 50 year old" whatever that would be..lol.

It sounds like you are on the right path, the right age and would be a wonderful parent because you have the insight and ability to reflect, and not want to treat your offspring the way you were treated. You would come into parenthood quite enlightened I would think! 

[hurtbeat]

Aww, thank you so much! 

And I'm so sorry to hear that your mementos got thrown out!
Mine are locked up in my mothers garage, when my sister was tending to her house while mom was on vacation I snuck in there and stole back some photo albums of me as a child.
I keep the few mementos I have close, even though my family is a disaster I think it's important to know about your own history.
There are still many things I'd like to know that no one wants to talk to me about, like my father who died when I was a toddler.
But I guess I'll never know much about him and that the people who knew him will take their memories of him to their grave.

Yes I agree that some of my development was arrested, it was hard to become independent with a partially engulfing mother who undermined any attempt to stand on my own two feet.
I am doing my best now to dissect the things I need to work on and see how I can approach things differently.

Sometimes I talk to my younger sister about my traumas but I realized today that I shouldn't, she will always take the role of the mediator and thereby undermining my experience.
And I was terrible towards her when we were children so most of her trauma probably comes from me, which has also been rough for me to get over.
I have however apologized to my sisters and now I just want to focus on resolving my own traumas and connect with my anger.

[Phoebes]

I think that is a healthy sounding perspective!
I wonder if other people who knew your dad, outside of the family, could give you insight. There must be a way to know something.

[hurtbeat]

If they do then I don't know them.
He was secretly gay and I think that if he had any friends that accepted him then they are probably long gone by now, the 80's was not a good time for gay people
I had no idea that he was gay but found out by accident, I wish my mom would have told me but I guess she thought it would reflect badly on her.
He committed suicide and that is also something that makes people go silent for some reason, my father has become "he who must not be named".
Today my heart goes out to him, I'd rather have him alive and gay (or trans, as he might have been trans).


To continue my journal:

I went outside yesterday amongst people and noticed how self conscious I was and how my inner critic were screaming at me about my looks and my behaviour.
When I go shopping I sometimes feel like I have to do my best not to seem suspicious and show people that I'm not stealing anything, this makes me look suspicious and I often get followed by security guards.

It's been a while since I've been out in the sun altogether since I work the night shift so the world seemed strange and I think I felt derealisation creeping up on me.
Anyway, I managed to shop for a small gift for the christening of my friends child on Saturday.

When I go to the christening I will meet my ex and his family for the first time in ages, I expect it will be awkward but hopefully I can just breathe through it like I used to when I worked as a waitress and had stage fright.
I would just empty my mind and do whatever it was I had to do, like a robot.
Fake it til you make it I guess!

I feel my stomach tightening as I'm writing about this, no wonder I have digestive problems!

I've been trying to fill my time off work with household chores.
I work 5 nights and then have 5 off, usually I'll just slip into a timeless dissociation and not really do anything but now I'll try and make breakfast, lunch and dinner and also clean a bit every day.
It'll be fun "playing house" and "acting normal".
That's kind of how it feels anyway.

I want to have a cozy home with home baked bread and candle lights like how it is on tv.

[hurtbeat]

"Identity confusion – for example, behaving in a way that the person would normally find offensive or abhorrent."

I read this here as one of the symptoms of dissociation: https://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/dissociation

That really stood out to me, some times I find it hard to know my core values.
Opinions can differ depending on how safe I feel.
If something makes me feel unsafe I can become really rigid and judgemental but at other times I can joke about anything, I'll even be offensive at times.
And I always had a feeling that I could never say: "That's something I'd never do" because I've proved myself wrong time and time again.
From being an anti smoker to smoking and whatever it may be.

I never thought of it as a dissociative trait though, I never really felt like I've had problems with depersonalisation even though I experience derealisation a lot.

Right now feeling angry at psychologists who wouldn't take me seriously when I tried to express what dissociation did to me.
To them my dissociation wasn't bad enough because they couldn't see it.

I need to meet with someone who understands.

[hurtbeat]

Also kinda happy to find validation that the things I experience is dissociation.
I feel strongly connected with other people who dissociate and also people with DID (even though I don't suffer from DID)

[hurtbeat]

I think that the reason it's so hard to find my words when I talk to psychologists is because I harbour the feelings of a child who is too young to have found the right words yet.
How could she describe all of the complex feelings and events that happened?
She is too young, she makes me forget words and only speak in simple ways.

I think she needs child therapy.

[hurtbeat]

Thinking a lot about the body today and how to be present in it despite everything that's stored in it.
Life still goes on and we can't put it on hold until we have healed completely, it goes on here and now.

Hot and cold flashes takes over some times when experiencing EF, I remember feeling very cold as a child when I was scared or after being physically abused.

It's hard to inhabit my whole body.
I guess that's why it's so hard to exercise, it forces me to feel the flesh prison that my mind has been escaping from and feeling how heavy and lazy it is.
In my mind I sometimes go back to that skinny child who used to run like a wild horse, she was in flight mode most of the time and always ready to jump up and run.
Wind flowing through her long hair.

I look in the mirror a lot to see what I feel and remember what I look like, it's so easy to forget.
My adult body is tired a lot.

As I go back in time through flashbacks time seems endless and time travelling doesn't seem that impossible.
I am all of what happened to me and I inhabit all of my bodies as children and adults.

Right now my back pain is telling me to lie down, I haven't done anything to feel more comfortable.
I try to remind myself that it is allowed to take action in order to feel more comfortable.

[hurtbeat]

Today I was watching an episode of the Spartan life coach and Richard mentioned: "sexy taboo"
It made me think of everything I've been pursuing in my life, it was all a sexy taboo (something I shouldn't do but did anyway) or something out of my reach or out of my league.

I figured that I wasn't able to learn to deal with problems as a small child and my success was never celebrated so the only thing I could do was dream.
It makes me sad that the bridge between me and success was never built and that I had to stand on the other cliff, wishing but never achieving.

I did achieve something since coming to this forum again though.
I have a word document on my laptop where I write down everything that makes me mad or sad every day.
It helps me cope with my pent up anxiety and helps me clarify my thoughts, sometimes I just write whatever pops into my head and make new insights through freestyle writing.

It has helped me a lot, my chest pain is not that severe any more now that I write down my feelings again like I used to.
This time it's not in a blog where I become concerned about other people judging me, it's just for me and that's fine.

[hurtbeat]

I'm having some thoughts about my social anxiety that I thought that I got rid of, it turns out I've managed it by partly shutting off my emotions and faking it.
I have a job as a receptionist where I meed and talk with new people but at the same time I am very lonely and I find strange people threatening.

Especially since my best friend turned out to be a lying narc, I feel like I've "slipped back" into social anxiety but I wonder If I actually "slipped back" or always had this within me.
The latter is probably true, it never really got resolved and would leak out in different ways as contempt for others or nervous behaviours...

I was bullied a lot as a child and had no way of defending myself because all of my defences were violently broken down.
When I see confident people I envy how comfortable they seem to feel and how they just assume that they are welcome and are allowed to take up space.

I didn't realize how big this issue actually is for me but it is the number one reason I am alone.
I actually long for connection but I am just too scared and it feels painful but I am also relieved that I've been starting to figure out my map of reality and connecting with it.

[Downsideup]

I'm sorry to hear about your anxiety, and your ex friend. Whatever went down might have exasperated it, and understandably so. Making genuine connections with people is so hard when you were brought up thinking you were unsafe and unwanted wherever you went. I hope you find some way to ease the anxiety. You aren't alone here. Take care <3

[sanmagic7]

hey, hurtbeat,

you may be onto something when you talked about needing child therapy, how your words are simplistic and childlike and it's difficult to explain things cuz you don't have the grown-up words for them.  have you talked to your t about this?  i think it would be worth bringing up.  it makes a whole lot of sense to me.

i'm really glad you're working at being more present in your body, using your word processor to write about you and your feelings.  plus, it sounds like you're getting results if chest pains are lessening.  what a great idea. 

and, maybe that's a connection for your therapy.  could you write about how you're feeling from one session to the next?  maybe the adult you can translate those child words for you, and you can take that in to your next session.  just a thought.    i know that several people have posted about writing things out to bring to their sessions, cuz they either have a hard time remembering what they want to talk about, or they're not able to get it out during the session itself.

i know writing has helped clarify a lot for me, allowed me to realize things that just thinking about never brought up.  keep it up.  i hope your anxiety continues to diminish.  hugs to you.