Feeling at home and feeling your own worth

[hurtbeat]

I'm guessing that my panic anxiety attacks could stem from my childhood and that they might have resurfaced now that I started to recognize my emotions through my EF's.

I still remember that time when I started having panic anxiety and my mother tried to hug me, as someone probably taught her that she was supposed to comfort her child.
But it just made me cry even more so she looked me straight in the eyes and told me to "get it together".
It made me stop crying and instead I became paralysed and quiet but I still felt everything on the inside.
And ever since I've had this sort of more or less stormy anxiety roaming free inside me.

I felt it yesterday again as I was going to bed and took a sedative pill against it but it felt wrong.
I wanted to let those feelings out of me even if it hurt and even if it filled me with self disgust and hate.
These are MY emotions, why should I not feel them?

Yet these are not my emotions, they are my mothers...
But I wonder if shutting them away will do any good?
Even when medicated I could still feel it inside me even though I couldn't cry and it reminded me of that time my mother forced me to stop expressing my feelings.

Though I know that this probably will take it's toll on my body, I feel chest pain again and rapid heartbeats after drinking coffee just now.
My heart hurts and I'm afraid that it will have a negative physical impact on my body.
Though I'm not really afraid of my anxiety, I've lived with it for such a long time now anyway and it always passes.

The only thing that worries me now is that it might affect my work negatively.
My work means a lot to me because I know that as long as I can pay for rent and food I know that I'll be safe, I'll have a home and my cats will have food.
If I don't have my home and my pets then I won't have anything left.

I'll hopefully get counselling very soon.
I feel a bit positive that I might be able to resolve my anxiety issues once and for all now that my anxiety has reached the surface but it all depends on the treatment that I'll get.

[sanmagic7]

i can so relate, hurtbeat, to parents denying us our emotions.  i ended up living too long doing that, and it really has affected my body in a lot of bad ways.  now i'm scurrying around trying to get my body fixed as best as possible.  i don't know if it's too late.

i'm only getting in touch with my emotions in the past few months.  it's been horribly difficult, and is bringing out so much more stuff that's been shoved down. 

if i may offer a perspective here on the emotions/messages you feel.  i believe the emotions are yours, and you are allowed to feel them as they are.  i believe the messages, however, of self-disgust and hate are inner critic and don't originate with you.  i think they are messages you picked up in response to having your own, valid emotions.

it may be that your anxiety might have a tangle of these two areas fighting for dominance.  that might be why it feels stormy inside you.  just a thought.  i think that even as you're working through this before you get into therapy, you're beginning to make headway.  keep up the good work.  you'll get there.   

[hurtbeat]

Thanks San!

My theory is that my anger and frustration that I was supposed to direct at my mother was directed the wrong way and that the only thing that needs to happen is to turn it straight back to her again.
I know that kids tend to blame themselves but I want to put the blame back where it belongs.

I feel like my anger is healthy and that there is a place for it somehow, I need it to be assertive.

[sanmagic7]

i think your theory is spot on!

[hurtbeat]

I woke up from a nightmare yesterday and had really bad anxiety all day, took 2 sedatives on different occasions and slept and ate irregularly until I lost track of time.
The nightmare was about people bullying me for misunderstanding and doing things wrong, it made me feel so stupid and worthless.

I think that I also flashbacked into how I felt after defending my honour at home and being beaten for acting "sassy" and "talking back". I remember my stepfather wouldn't quit until he could see my submissiveness and how quiet I became.

So I acted the same way towards my anxiety, I just let it take over because I was afraid that if I resisted it then it would attack me even further.
It became like some sort of a "Stockholm syndrome situation" where toxic shame kept me hostage and made me attack myself so that it wouldn't have to.

It's a sick and twisted game and it reminds me of the psychological thrillers called: "Saw" where people are caught in death traps and have to make difficult choices if they want to survive.

So if I want to live I have to give up everything I am.
And yet after giving up everything I am there's not much life left to live.

Hopefully I'll bounce back faster this time, I'll stop thinking bad things about myself for now because I know that I have a lot of mental issues to deal with.
Gotta be a little self compassionate towards myself since I am trying to do something good despite of everything.

[jdcooper]

So if I want to live I have to give up everything I am.

Thats exactly how I think it went down when I was a child.  With my father spewing his rage onto me but now allowing me to express any emotion. If you dare assert yourself you will not survive.   I sometimes think my Dad is still in my head.  His critical voice, his rage.  I want this poison out of me; I want to stop directing that rage at myself.

Glad you are trying to be self-compassionate toward yourself.  That is the key to healing.

[hurtbeat]

Thanks Jd!

Sadly I haven't been able to get better, I'm still waiting for a psychologist to contact me but not much is happening.
Got a phone call scheduled for next week but I know the waiting cues are really long.
I'll probably tell them that I feel suicidal so that they'll help me faster, I really need this now but I hate contacting the system and having them fail me again and again just like my mother did.

I am still afraid to stand up against my anxiety because I always end up attacking myself and feeling even worse.
Things haven't been going great lately and the smallest issues brings me down so easily, self confidence is at it's lowest point again.

I keep having anxiety attacks now and again, that's when things get really, really bad.
Got a lot of anger turned against me that makes me want to destroy myself.
It's poisoning everything I am.

At least I know now that I can't put too much pressure or expectations on myself, I won't be able to live up to it anyway.
It comes as a relief to be able to allow myself to take a break from responsibilities as I often feel them weighing me down.
I know my mother had the same issue with responsibilities, she would often escape them and make excuses for me so that she wouldn't have to parent me into taking on responsibility.
The pattern keeps repeating itself.

I don't know how to adult.

It's the same careless mentality of addicts who go into things and make big promises when things feel good and then chicken out when things get tough.
But at least I know not to promise people anything, I don't want to bring anyone else down with me.
I've done that so much already and hate myself for it.
Won't go there again.

[sanmagic7]

such an interesting statement, hurtbeat - i don't know how to adult.

yeah, if we didn't have healthy adult role models, how could we learn that skill?  i guess that as adults, we have the freedom to do whatever we want, tempered by the consequences of the choices we make.  pos. or neg. consequences.  if we make healthy choices, we'll have healthy consequences, stuff like that. 

so, the more pos. choices we make, the more pos. consequences we'll realize.  that's the ideal, isn't it.  the trick is to learn what are and how to make those healthy choices, and to accept that we won't be perfect at it.  but, the more we can attain some sort of balance with how we live, i think, the more we'll live happily.  something like that anyway!

i just heard about someone whose had some terrible bouts of anxiety, including panic attacks, and she told me that one of the best things she learned is to accept her anxiety rather than fighting it.  she knows what it feels like, and just allows it, gives herself options (she sits in the end seat of a theater in case anxiety washes over her and she needs to leave.  no blame, no shame.  it's just something that happens sometimes.  (she'd gone through all the negativity around being anxious, including isolating, not telling anyone, lots of shame, all that neg. crapola).  with the acceptance, she goes with the flow, and has found that it happens less and doesn't last as long.  she also knows that a panic attack lasts about 20 min., knows what it is, how it feels, and breathes through it.  when she told me this, i thought it was rather an innovative way of looking at something that used to stop her from doing all kinds of things she'd done in the past.

good luck with getting to see someone to talk to.  that waiting game can be such a drag.  here's hoping you'll see someone soon.  in the meantime, keep taking care of you as best you can.  big hug.

[hurtbeat]

Good advice, my anxiety were normal at times when I tried to fight it.
Then it would come at me like an alien force and strike me down with physical symptoms like most normal people experience it.

The way I live have made the anxiety a part of me and a part of my daily thoughts so that the physical pain has transformed from a foreign object into a bad personality trait.
I'm like a bad panic attack with a personality.
Instead of being overwhelmed by what seems to be an outer force I am overwhelming myself, just to be able to have control over the situation.

Sadly this makes me into a big child that is scared of everything and always expects the worst.
I tried to go to a group meeting for other victims of abuse but I was unable to find my way in time and ran around in the streets sobbing like a lost child.
I found my way 5 minutes late but I didn't go in since I was already sobbing and not in control over the situation.
Next time I'll be better prepared.


Sometimes I think of my friend who suffered terrible abuse growing up, she is now a mother and a wife and haven't had any flashbacks in a long time.
It's like her baby is forcing her to be the person she needs to be to take care of her family, I like that, it gives me hope.

I feel like I depend a lot on good role models in this god forsaken world full of narcs.
I welcome anything that can convince me that there is goodness in this world.

[hurtbeat]

I tapped into my hatred yesterday, it felt good.
By hating the people that hurt me I am loving myself, I should hate them more often and hate myself less.

I figure hate can be a little bit like love, sometimes it's a strong and intense feeling and sometimes you just know deep inside of you that you feel it but you don't have to revel in it.

I F*ing hate my mom and that narc liar that lied to me, hate their guts!
Yeah.

[sanmagic7]

yeah!  and amen to that!

[Phoebes]

I haven't read back through this entire thread yet-sorry! But I will say that I agree with what you're saying here. I never allowed myself to hate anyone or anything. Totally would have shamed myself and been shamed for something like that. That's not loving! Not allowed!

BUT, when I finally got to the point of realizing and allowing myself to HATE my ABUSERS, and in particular the worst one, my own MOTHER, I could hate them fully..which I thought would last forever..but it didn't..well, sometimes when I have a flashback I hate them for what they did still, yes..but I liken it to crying (something else that's been stunted and difficult for my whole life. Feelings that were never allowed). But to see that once I allowed that feeling, it flowed through me. It doesn't stay forever, and allows me to release a little more each time. Hate, anger, blame where blame is due, all things we were never allowed by the abusers themselves...yep. Lo and behold, they are just normal feelings that, had we had healthy people in our lives, would never have had to escalate to this point. I'm glad the hate feeling has passed and now I feel more indifferent. But, I still have lots of feelings about this don't get me wrong..

[sanmagic7]

phoebes, i completely agree with you.  those feelings are relevant and real and deserve to be let out, no matter what we'd been told about them.  i've had similar experience as you - i thought the hate would last forever, but acknowledging it, voicing it, writing it, accepting it, just being with it and eventually it has diminished or just neutralized.

and, as you said, it does come up every so often, but it doesn't linger, doesn't have the same bite.  i think what i'm learning is that, like with my physical pain, accepting it as it is instead of judging it or myself allows it to be for a bit, then it doesn't have to anymore.  holding this stuff back, berating ourselves (neg. messages to our brains/minds) does nothing but allow it to continue.  i'm convinced that in letting it out, letting it be, it will dissipate on its own.  this crapola cannot live long in the light.

[Phoebes]

this crapola cannot live long in the light.

I like that. I've had some brief moments or days where I felt more in the light, but for the past two years of NC, I have felt horrible. Not always guilty, but more like sad I don't have the real family I thought, who just needed to come to terms with their behavior. I really thought one day my mom would realize what she's done and apologize. I guess that would mean that she would finally "see" me. I've accepted that now, and really don't even like her, so I don't care about that anymore. I just hate that it's resulted in everyone else having a family except for me, because of "my" choice. Oh man the hate is rising again..lol 

[sanmagic7]

phoebes, we don't all have families.  maybe it seems that way at times looking at others as they're walking in the mall or something, but it's really not true.  i've given up so much family over the years, both foo and the ones that i created.  it's heartbreaking, really, but they were killing me.

my daughter and ex have been in therapy for about 30 yrs., each, and they still refused to do the work, to be honest about their issues, to break through and admit to the awfulness of what they'd perpetrated upon me.  some people are just too damaged and will never 'get' it.  they simply may not be capable of it, for whatever reason.

personally, i'm glad for you that you have made it through, that you are walking the walk, and that you were able to love yourself enough to let go of the poison those people were feeding you.  i know it's sad - it broke my heart to go nc with my firstborn daughter, and i wish it could be otherwise - but i have other people in my life who care about me (my other daughter and my hub) and it was hurting them, too, to watch me get emotionally beaten every time i turned around.

it's very sad that we can't have the families we wanted.  i share in your grief.   big hug.