How do you move on?

[valentina]

I remember some of the abuse from a young age. Im not sure how long it had been going on for but my first memory that I cannot forget is my mum punching me in the stomach for not dusting a book shelf correctly as I couldn't reach then her taking me in her arms and ringing someone. Following from that it wasn't just enough for her to hurt me physically but I was to blame for the way she felt and I was the cause of making her so angry and upset she took me to psychologists and had them do tests on me all from the paper of what ive seen described a shy child.  Being clean and cleaning was the main thing in my life, my mum made my life all about cleaning if I wasn't cleaning I was bad she would have me bleach floors , dust, hoover anything she required I would clean the house top to bottom every day she would come home from work at any time and wake me up screaming in my face to clean up, lock me in the cellar, make me get dressed outside throw my stuff away I wouldn't have personal belongings she owned them and me.
Highschool was the worst time of my life, I was already isolated she wouldn't let me have friends.Iin primary school she would tell me I couldn't go to other childrens houses in case their mums and dads touched me so she would ring up parents and tell them I had all sorts of illnesses, I tried telling other people, teachers but I was convinced I was in the wrong that I was just pathetic and making up lies, I was too scared to do anything i couldn't do anything she made me believe I wouldn't be able to do anything and I believed her. i was constantly put down for years up until the age of 19 where I managed to get myself a full time job and attend college.
The abuse has ended now but im trapped in an apartment my mum has paid for and my sister and dad chose to forget everything I went through my sister only telling me the other day she remembers me getting beaten up to the point I passed out. I cant re call anything and when I do it comes back to me in dreams I don't know whats real. Im currently at university and Im finding it so hard to move on I thought id forgiven her shes on tablets now for depression. I feel I need to feel humiliated and upset to get on with my life its become what im used to and now its not here I just don't know what to do with myself.
Theres too many memories and hurt, ive blanked everything out. I tend to remember some days and ive started disasociating I don't even feel like a person anymore I just say and do stuff I upset everyone around me. I don't even like me anymore, ive tried getting help and helping myself which has got me nowhere I just feel so hopeless. Ive never been able to write stuff down before so this may be jumbled its really hard to put down everything into words
Its my birthday tomorrow and I don't want to celebrate another year its become so hard when what ive been used to is not being able to celebrate my birthday the way I want in the past any occasion that would be coming up would just be ruined by my mum she would just scream and hit me or threatening me so its just weird being back at home for my 22nd birthday.
I just want some advice on how to move on with my life what I can do to forget. i just want to move on i don't want to feel sorry for myself any longer i know now I was physically and emotionally abused and im slowly coming to terms with it, and I then discovered complex PTSD online it just explained everything I've been going through recently, a few times counsellors have mentioned PTSD to me but I've not been helped or taught what to do when I have flashbacks etc

I just really needed to write something down and just know there is someone else that understands out there

[Three Roses]

You are not alone! One of my first feelings when I first found this forum was, "People who understand!" For the first time I felt listened to, understood & validated. I hope you'll feel the same.

I'm glad you're having another birthday, I'm glad that you exist in this world. I hope on your birthday, you sit quietly for just a moment, close your eyes and take a deep breath, and tell yourself you're not alone anymore.

I am so very sorry to hear all that you've been through. I hope you know how brave you are! 

I really don't want to overwhelm you with even more input than you're already getting, so I'll say just a few of the many, many things you can do to stay to feel better.

Go at your own pace, and don't rush.

Remember that you're an adult now with resources a child never had access to, and you're safe.

Take a look at the info here on emotional flashbacks -

http://pete-walker.com/

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=57.0

We'll be here for you, to answer your questions that come up as you go. Thanks for joining  ♡ 

[Kizzie]

I'm late Valentina but wanted to wish you  Happy Birthday!     Maybe this time next year you can plan the type of birthday you want!  Having a birthday be what you'd like it to be is absolutely your right, but when we grow up being traumatized as you did it's hard to recognize that.  It sounds though like you may want that and more for you now, that you are getting ready to move 'out of the storm' and face what you have been through.   

I'm wondering if you have a therapist to help you with that?  It can really help to sort through and process the memories and feelings to have a professional guiding you, particularly one who is trained in dealing with psychological trauma.

Coming here will likely help too as you read about CPTSD,  how it shows up in symptoms such as emotional flashbacks, and how others manage them. So welcome to OOTS, glad you found your way here 

[sanmagic7]

so glad you've made it here, valentina.  this is your space at your pace, moving on step by step.  that's how it's done.  you've taken a step by posting. 

happy belated birthday.  here's to more and better!