I feel like I've tried everything, but nothing works.

[Toast]

I've tried one-on-one therapy, group therapy, medications, changing my lifestyle, journaling, etc. pretty much anything you can think of, I've tried it.  They always make me feel better initially, but after a few weeks of doing it, I realize it's not helping me at all, and after a few months of doing it, I feel even worse because I'm not making any improvements.

Therapy never works because I only tell the therapist what I think they want to hear and I'm incapable of doing any differently.

I tried SSRIs but all they did was take away my only two escapes from this *-prison: eating and sleeping. It made me uninterested in food and gave me terrible nightmares whenever I managed to sleep. I tried telling my psychiatrist that I wanted to get on a different medication, but he insisted SSRIs were the best option and we just needed to up the dosage.

I've gone through multiple life changes and no matter what I change, I still end up feeling sad, even worse than I did before. I didn't have friends and I was sad; I did have friends and was still sad. I didn't have money and was sad; I did have money and was still sad. I went to college and I was sad; I didn't go to college and was still sad. I didn't have a job and was sad; I did have a job and was still sad. I've pretty much just resigned myself to feeling this way forever.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Toast! I'm glad you're here.

I started to become aware of certain things about my upbringing about 30 years ago or so. Over time I continued to read self-help books and manage my symptoms with working on my co-dependent issues.

In the last 8-9 months, here on this forum, I've felt connected to others who share a similar for the first time and feel listened to, heard and validated.

I've learned there's a difference between ptsd and cptsd, and treatment for ptsd is not just ineffective for people with complex ptsd, it can actually do more damage.

I've learned I can't think myself better, because the problem is not in my thinking - it's a physical injury to my brain.

I've learned it can be treated. The brain can heal.

Please keep posting, keep reading - and thanks for joining!

[ivanthehunter]

I firmly believe that you cannot heal on treatment alone.

What do you have to look forward to in life? Do you yearn to see exquisite views? To travel to far off places? Maybe you like building things anywhere from legos to treehouses. Life is meant to be lives, not mourned.

Myself, I was bitten by the adventure motorcycling idea. Motorcycles capable of both highway and dirt trails, to see the unseen and explore the unfound. It took me two years into that that the motorcycle never quite got me to my finish lines, but it got me close. So I added hiking and bushcrafting (self sufficient woodsman skills, think shelter building and fire building techniques). So what sparks you?

Model trains? Remote control cars? Crafts like crochet or weaving, or maybe art? Some people,video games are enough,but you must find something desirable that makes facing each day worth it.

I also hit upon an epitome for CPTSD, but this gal explains it better: https://youtu.be/yk6Atmbp6p0

Does that help?

[Toast]

Hello and welcome, Toast! I'm glad you're here.

...

Please keep posting, keep reading - and thanks for joining!

Thanks for the welcome, maybe here I'll finally be able to start processing some things.

So what sparks you?

I do art, but lately it just seems like too much effort to even pick up a pencil. I was going to school for art and wanted to eventually have a career in it, but going to the school put me in serious debt and I've basically resigned all hopes of ever doing anything as a professional artist.



the video did help a little bit, thanks for that.

[Three Roses]

That looks just like one of my chickens! Really nice!

[Dee]

Toast,

First, I just need to ask - IS THAT YOUR ART?  WOW, it is really, really amazing.  I am a little jealous of your talent right now!!

I'm not exactly sure of how long you have stuck with any one therapy.  For me, I need a combination.  I have also had to try more than one type of antidepressant.  I had been upset lately thinking I have been doing this for a year and a half and I am no better.  This weekend a lightbulb went off.  It was seriously like learning a math equation when it just clicks and seems so simple.  I feel so much better because I know what I need to do.  Maybe if I hadn't stuck it out I would not have gotten here?

My point is, I think something can work, but you need to keep trying.  Perhaps you have not reached that point or found it yet.  I hope what I think is my breakthrough really is.  I feel like it is.  Now I realize what is holding me back, I can move on.  Just don't give up.

Again, that art is amazing!!  I am so impressed.

[Candid]

I also hit upon an epitome for CPTSD, but this gal explains it better: https://youtu.be/yk6Atmbp6p0

Thanks for the introduction to Dana's Find Your Freedom channel, Ivan. I've been watching her lovely face for hours and she makes a lot of sense!

[ivanthehunter]

My Motorcycleing and hiking Hobbies felt the same - jsut too much effort to get into them anymore. its not the doing them that should help you push forward, its that this is like a broken leg event when it comes to the things that brought you happiness.

Like a football player with a broken leg, he can;t play football anymore, and must wait until he gets better. But he doesn't give up. the thought of getting back into what made him happy, football, will be waiting for him in the future. You have rough times ahead, I am sure, but let your art be the light at the end of the world. Very similar to this, it is important to also remember to do these things for yourself, regardless of the income it generates or not. As Jimmy Buffet said "I gotta make my music for Money- No, I want to make my music for ME."

Stay sparked. Best Wishes.

[Toast]

That looks just like one of my chickens! Really nice!

Thank you. It's not finished yet, but I based it off of the gorgeous Ayam Cemani chicken:

Toast,

First, I just need to ask - IS THAT YOUR ART?  WOW, it is really, really amazing.  I am a little jealous of your talent right now!!

I'm not exactly sure of how long you have stuck with any one therapy.  For me, I need a combination.  I have also had to try more than one type of antidepressant.  I had been upset lately thinking I have been doing this for a year and a half and I am no better.  This weekend a lightbulb went off.  It was seriously like learning a math equation when it just clicks and seems so simple.  I feel so much better because I know what I need to do.  Maybe if I hadn't stuck it out I would not have gotten here?

My point is, I think something can work, but you need to keep trying.  Perhaps you have not reached that point or found it yet.  I hope what I think is my breakthrough really is.  I feel like it is.  Now I realize what is holding me back, I can move on.  Just don't give up.

Again, that art is amazing!!  I am so impressed.

Thanks. I've been drawing and painting for about 11 years, so it really came from hard work more than anything else. I guess I should apply the same logic to therapy.

My last therapist suggested tap therapy, and being skeptical of everything I automatically assumed it was bogus. Maybe I should give it a shot. I'm just now getting back to a point in my life where I can actually go to therapy.

My Motorcycleing and hiking Hobbies felt the same - jsut too much effort to get into them anymore. its not the doing them that should help you push forward, its that this is like a broken leg event when it comes to the things that brought you happiness.

Like a football player with a broken leg, he can;t play football anymore, and must wait until he gets better. But he doesn't give up. the thought of getting back into what made him happy, football, will be waiting for him in the future. You have rough times ahead, I am sure, but let your art be the light at the end of the world. Very similar to this, it is important to also remember to do these things for yourself, regardless of the income it generates or not. As Jimmy Buffet said "I gotta make my music for Money- No, I want to make my music for ME."

Stay sparked. Best Wishes.

I enjoy making art for me, but the income part is pretty important for my survival since I'm incapable of working any other kind of job. I can't speak loudly or coherently enough to be a good cashier, I hate food service with a passion, and recently I tried becoming a dog bather at a grooming salon but that isn't going so well either.

[ivanthehunter]

Get some voactional rehab, or maybe apply for SSI. look for anything to help you walk further down the path. Vocational rehab or an apprenticeship, career analysis from a job service, you'll find something. you listed 3-5 job options. There are hundreds of thousands of different jobs out there, The odds of one of them not working for you are stacked against you. just needs some foot work to find it. treat it like a scavenger hunt

[Dee]

Toast,

I found your reply positive, it was nice.  It sounded like you found some clarity.

[Kittysnotthere]

Toast if I may offer some advice. There is a quote you may see floating around the internet from Star Trek. In it Captain Packard says "It is possible to do everything right and still loose." The thing is you are trying. You haven't given up and you are still looking for solutions. Even posting on this forum after everything you have tried shows that spark, that fight within you. Keep the flame. There is a solution out there.

[Three Roses]

Thank you. It's not finished yet, but I based it off of the gorgeous Ayam Cemani chicken:

A gorgeous breed, very expensive. Ours are black copper marans, their feathers have a coppery iridescence. 

[meursault]

I had all but given up, for several years.  I started going up into the sub-arctic on extended canoe or kayak trips by myself.  Shorter 14 day ones at first, and now they are usually well over a month.  It made me change and want to try again.  Things kind of went to crap after that, but they are impreoving again.  Not exactly available to everyone, but it's actually cheaper than staying home for the longer ones.  I don't know, I think finding some way to see even a small part of the natural world, especially alone, even for a few days, can help a lot.  I didn't notice the changes myself until doing it for a few years, but even after the first time, friends all said I was a different person.

I'm in my mid-forties, and I still harbour the hope to be an artist.  I don't know if it will ever happen, but art is one of those things that doesn't have such a time limit on it. 

Your rooster picture is really good.  I would want that on a shirt!

For therapy, I think you can't really improve without that honesty.  The problem is most therapists aren't particularly good, and it takes a lot of time to build trust.  I was seeing my therapist for about six or seven months before I even mentioned my Mom.  Then when I somehow felt "Ok!  I THINK I can trust you!"  I started actively taking steps and still am in that process.  She knows pretty much every detail of my life, but there is more trusting to come!  I went in every week, actively choosing to share what had come to me to try to tell her, that I was too scared to tell.  I did that week after week, and left in a wreck, spending the week terrified of going back to face her expected ridicule or rage.  It was a necessary part of it for me.  Before that, I was just talking with people and no healing was happening.  It was just helping with stabilization.  I think I'm still in the early stages, and I started seeing her about 2 years ago, with a six month hiatus.

Mostly there isn't any set technique or method, and we try different things at different times, and drop them and pick them up based on her assessment and my willingness.  The healing is coming in the actual dynamic of the relationship with her.   I had been trying to find someone to help, on and off, since I was 18, and was 42 when I finally found someone.

I don't know, maybe not helpful, but I don't think (for me at least) the actual style or modality of therapy matters so much as finding someone  with whom you can just BE, say whatever is momentarily relevant,  and be treated with love, gentleness, care, and respect.   A therapist with really good boundaries, open-mindedness, and acceptance.  I suspect she and I will move on to more structured things when she and I both think I'm ready.

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

hey, toast,

if i may say so, even posting here is one more effort on your part.  i can't tell you how many different types of healing modalities i've got under my belt, try one here, another there, nothing seemed to make a difference.  new suggestions, tried those, still feeling stuck.  then, i can't put a finger on which or when or how, things began moving.  i'm actually able to make and reach goals, feel hope for the first time in my life, and, in general, am beginning to feel somehow better.  can't even explain or describe it - it's just there.

i don't think all of us know what might or might not 'work' for us.  my latest shift came from watching a children's movie!   i do think that being open to learning about yourself, being open to changing perspectives and perceptions, and being open to the magic that surrounds us will get you to where you want to go.  hang tough - we're hangin' right beside you!