I never had Anyone as a Child [Trigger Warning]

[Toast]

I'm dumping my story here because this week has been awful and every time I experience something awful it brings back all the other awful things that have ever happened to me.

I never liked going home. I didn't really like going to school, but I liked going home even less. I have vivid memories of wishing the bus ride home would just go on forever. We lived in a fairly run-down trailer with a large yard and a high chain-link fence. Two adults, two children, two dogs, and about twenty cats.

The two adults were almost always nowhere to be seen, laying in a drug-induced coma in their room. There wasn't much money, so we were on food stamps, but I'm pretty sure they sold or traded most of them for drugs. Because of that, you can imagine there wasn't much food in the house, or at least, not food that can be prepared by young five or six year old children. I can recall a time where I thought a bruise on my knee looked a lot like how chicken skin browns when you bake it, and I was so hungry I tried licking and biting it, hoping it would taste like that chicken. Obviously it did not, and it's no surprise that I now suffer from binge eating disorder. There were a few times that I attempted to enter the lair of the Adults- a dark and stinky bedroom covered in cigarette burns- and dared ask for food, but the result was usually being yelled at, called fat, or put on restriction. I quickly learned never to ask for anything, ever.

The two children, my sister and I, were pretty much on our own. We were so young, we didn't know how to cook or clean or take care of ourselves. The house was filthy at all times. Cigarette butts and ashes, the stench of smoke permeated everything. There was cat * and fleas and roaches everywhere. The bathroom was moldy and my sister and I hardly bathed because we didn't understand the concept of personal hygiene. Anytime the adults did see us, though, they made sure to tell us how ugly and disgusting we were.

You'd think that in the midst of all this neglect and abuse that my sister and I would be close. We weren't. She was mean to me all the time. She would hit me and pull my hair and take things away from me just to watch me cry. There wasn't anyone around to tell her to stop, and I guess she was just taking out her frustration on me, but it doesn't really make things any easier. Even after we were removed from the situation, she was still mean to me constantly.

The cherry on top was the two adults constantly fighting whenever they weren't going sleepy-poo via substance abuse. My mother claims to be the victim in all this, but she was just as much an instigator as the step-father. To this day she still will not own up to what she did to me and my sister and insists it is everyone else's fault but her own. I remember once I was sitting at the table on a rare occasion where my mother actually cooked something- early on in her relationship to the step-father, I suppose- eating dinner with my sister, and I just remember my mother storming angrily around the house, weilding a shotgun or rifle of some sort, shouting about how she was going to shoot the dogs. The step-father was unhappy with this, of course, and chased her around the house attempting to wrestle the gun from her. I was terrified and thought if I cried they would stop. They didn't.

I enjoyed going to school just to get away from it all. Even at school there was nobody for me, though. I didn't really have any friends, and I can't say I blame them. I probably stunk all the time and always looked greasy. I excelled at my school work. It was all I really had, good grades were the closest I came to ever being praised by anyone. Later I remember being in a highschool math class, the teacher came around to look at everyone's work, she patted me on the back and told me I did a good job, and I almost started crying in the middle of class because those words were all I had ever wanted to hear. Looking back, I'm surprised that nobody from the school ever tried to find out what was going on at home. Neither of the adults ever showed up to the school for events, and I never got any of my progress reports or report cards signed because the adults were too busy sleeping to do so.

Eventually DFACS was called, and my sister and I were lawfully removed from the custody of the mother and the stepfather. Even now, no one knows who called them. I'm glad they did, I just wish they had done it sooner. My father talks about how he regrets not being there for us, but he could have easily gotten custody of us had some official known how we lived. Instead, he chose to be a cross-country semi-truck driver.

Anyway, now I'm super * up for life and the mother demands that I forgive her when she still will not apologize or accept blame for any of the things she's done, one of which is that she smoked cigarettes and weed while she was pregnant with me, and possibly did other drugs as well.
I am always 100% Doormat Syndrome for everyone, including people I dislike or people who are abusive. I fall in love with and idolize anyone that is nice to me once, especially if it is unsolicited and comes from someone in a position of power. I am majorly depressed at all times and there aren't many times where my brain isn't occupied by suicidal ideation. I have trouble believing that people are honest or that they actually want to interact with me. Even the slightest edge to a voice or a even a dirty look can send me to the nearest bathroom for a mental breakdown. I am basically just a Dog soul in a human body: you can kick me and yell at me, but as long as you give me treats I will be happy to see you and always do tricks for you.

[Three Roses]

I'm so glad you're here! You finally have a place to tell your story - and in the telling, begin to heal.

You won't hear the regular platitudes here, which are all about forgetting, suppressing - no, here you'll be allowed to talk about it, to finally feel its full impact (or as much of it as you're ready to feel) - you'll see and relate to the same patterns of behavior in us that you've seen in yourself, and you'll know you aren't alone.

The child that had no one exists somewhere within you still, and now she will have someone there for her - the grown up you. She won't feel that she's just the lowest in the family hierarchy, there for anyone above her to pick on. There are others here who will come along side you in your pain and walk with you while you talk about it; not to just relive it, but to look at it, call it what it was, and start to heal.

So pull up a chair, here's a cup of coffee. Let us listen and encourage you. There is hope.   

[Inky]

I can really relate to this, Toast, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Pete Walker talks about how terrible it can be when a neglected child can't find a single adult or ally who supports them. That certainly was the case for me - no teachers, aunts, uncles or other family members stepped in when my parents neglected me. (Potential trigger) Only instead of being zoned out on drugs, they weren't "there" because of crime/trauma. My dad's attempted murder of my mom meant she and I moved away to the middle of nowhere and she needed to recover.

Once she got out of the hospital we moved and I remember just being alone. All the time. I didn't know anyone and we were miles away from other houses so I'd just make up games and read (we didn't have a tv.) Asking for anything was absolutely out of the question.

I didn't realize that that was the reason I had such crap taste in men and the rare friend once in a while - it's cause any attention at all was better than nothing. Anyway thank you for sharing and I'm glad you're here. I hope this group brings you comfort and a way towards healing.

[silentrhino]

I relate to your story very much.  We had different issues but the same emotional abandonment and physical neglect/abuse.  For years I had the same emotional reactions to people, it is like being a "dog" but instead of being able to sniff out objects, I can sniff out emotions.  I've been called "oversensitive" my whole life.  That is how I learned to protect myself as a youngster and it continues to this day. The difference I have been finding lately is that I no longer care how people think of me to the same extent.  I am learning it is OK for ME not to like them, that is a different mind set altogether.  I'm still learning that, because on the other hand I can like others if I choose.  I think before I was just operating from my unconscious thought processes due to having to be constantly vigilant to protect myself from real danger.  I hope you know you are far from alone with this.

[pinkroses47]

Your upbringing sounds worse than mine. I too become obsessive over people who treat me well. Especially men. And your relationship with your sister is not at all peculiar. I try not to even talk to my siblings. They abused me and didnt give a damn about me when we were growing up so why now would they want me? And your mom is typical of an abusive parent. They almost never admit fault and expect you to love them despite their abuse. The concept of earning love/trust is something that they never consider. Both my parents were neglectful but my dad was worse. Now he wants to come back when im 22 and demand I be in a relationship with him. Extremely emotionally manipulative. Don't do it unless you want to. If you are not in a position to forgive right now then they can go * themselves until you are. No one has the right to tell you when to heal. Also, you dont have to be completely * up for life. The longer you work on it the better you get. I am way less * up them I used to be but I owe all of my progress to my creator. Not here to sell you on my religion just saying without it my life would literally be *.

[Andyman73]

Toast,
I know this is old, but I wanted to reach out and offer you a smidgen of hope. You are not alone, not anymore. And you are so far beyond worthy of love and compassion and kindness. I'm not quite like you, where as I tend to feel very guilty and selfish when I receive praise. I always try to defer it to others.
Anyway..hugs if you like....

[K9 2]

Toast,
It sounds as if we grew up in the same trailer! I hate that you experienced such detrimental pain and anguish. As a child I only wanted to be loved and wanted. It appears as though you did as well.
What is different now is you are in control, not them. I had a difficult time learning and adopting that concept but once I did, it made all the difference. My mother refuses to apologize without placing blame, meaning it has a catch. To me, this equates a lack of apology. I have instilled in my children that when someone is truly sorry they change the harmful act, if not, it is meaningless words.
I confronted my mom regarding the countless things I endured and she admitted that she did in fact commit all of those heinous acts (and lack of acts) with no sense of remorse. It was then that I saw her in a completely different light and it made the world of difference! I literally stepped back and saw her as the toxic, sick person that she is and always has been. No longer did I feel like all that happened to me was my fault, I deserved it, or because I was not good enough. The light came on and I accepted it wasn't me like she always said it was.
Today, I have very little to do with my mother. I have set serious and strict boundaries that I will not lower regardless of the circumstances. For the longest time of my life I felt I didn't have a mother and it was crushing. I now am ok with not having a mother because she isn't the type mother I would want anyway. I look at it as her loss, not mine.
Toast, I hope you grasp that you are not alone in your story. Not only are our stories very similar, there are lots of others as well, unfortunately.  I feel alone a lot, too, but being alone is better than being mistreated. I encourage you to stand up and do what is best for you and your sanity. I cannot express the difference it made for me!
You should look up what a "Toxic Mother" is and see how quickly you find your mom.
Warmly,
K9 2

[Evergreen]

Welcome, Toast. I'm sorry to hear the things you had to go through. Glad you're here, and I hope you find this forum a help. I'm brand new here, myself.