Do you think I'm experiencing C-PSTD?

[Healing Finally]

Hello!  I've been posting and gaining a great deal of knowledge from the OOTF website.  I am so grateful to have found the OOTS website and this is my first post.  I am slowly beginning to understand that it's very possible the depression and anxiety I've experienced all my life may indeed be C-PSTD.

I was raised in what I thought was a loving family, and yet I have symptoms that lead me to think/feel I experienced ongoing emotional abuse all my life.  It is my sincere believe that my younger sister is NPD, as she has ALL the traits.  As an example, I have been experiencing "imposed isolation" for the past 2.5+ years from my immediate family due to a "ranty" email I sent being exposed.  I sent it to her estranged husband - they are still married with two adult children and do all the family things together, but she has her own little place on the beach - and he then shared it with my Mom.  They both agreed it should be shared with my sister, and the rest of the family.  I was addressing her childish behavior and I said some pretty painful stuff like should we treat her like she has special needs?  I was serious as I was worried about her!

After multiple apologies to her and the rest of the family she hasn't even tried to contact me.  She doesn't want me around, and the rest of the family goes along with it; even my grown son can't seem to bring himself to challenge the system.

I realize now, my Mom can't say no to my sister.  All my life my Mother would take her side, no matter what we were arguing about.  Why?  Well when my sister was young she had learning disabilities and struggled in school.  At one point she was so depressed she told my Mom she wanted to kill herself.  My Mom being the sensitive person she is, evidently took this very close to heart.

I can't tell you how many times I would cry myself to sleep at night saying "It's not fair, it's not fair" when my sister would act irrational and my Mom would once again support her and not me.  This actually turned into "I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy" as I consoled myself with this knowledge.

Flash forward to any experience that triggers this feeling of helplessness, and I become completely powerless.  So many times after I experience a confrontation with someone I feel so helpless I have to go to bed and sleep it off.  Or if I think there will be a confrontation I go to bed.  So much of the time I have to fight off this feeling of inadequacy and anguish, and now that I'm beginning to understand about "emotional flashbacks" I'm recognizing that this anxiety is very familiar and it's the same feeling I've carried with me all my life.

I used to drink alcohol heavily for over 35 years, started when I was 18.  This helped me to mask my anguish, but little did I know I drank heavily because of my anguish!  This made it easy for my family to use me as the scapegoat, but I've been sober for almost 6 years now, and I can't seem to shake this position. 

I think the more I learn about how to deal with Emotional Flashbacks, and the more I understand all the pieces of C-PSTD I may be able to work through the awful feelings of inadequacy that plague me.  I'm a fully functional adult, raised a son on my own, have a good job/career and have been working full-time since I was 18.  I am very capable and have no real reason to feel so awful about myself.  I hate it, I just hate it.

Would appreciate any feedback, I am planning to pick up Peter Walker's books.  Thank you for your time! 

[Candid]

Welcome to the forum, Healing Finally!

She doesn't want me around, and the rest of the family goes along with it; even my grown son can't seem to bring himself to challenge the system.

I'm so sorry to see this. To put it mildly, life is very tough on those of us with zero family support. 

[Three Roses]

Welcome, HF! Thanks for joining.

The book you mentioned by Pete Walker is going to give you lots of info! Please be sure to move at a pace that's comfortable for you, don't try to rush things. Thanks for joining!

[Healing Finally]

Thank you Three Roses and Candid.  I am so grateful to be uncovering this after all these years.  I'm almost 60 and have always wondered why I feel so bad about myself all these yeaars, and why I'm so anxious when I am in a confrontational situation.  I also know it has to do with being traumatized by my conversations with my sister (the circular conversations and gaslighting) and then trying to get my Mom to understand; that was so difficult.  I also have noticed that I'm so on edge when I feel like this, like any little think can set me off and I have to try so hard not to be over-reactive.  It's very difficult at work!  So glad to have found all of you!