Frozen - can't take action - paralysis

[Coco]

Does anyone know where paralysis comes from?

When I have an idea about how to improve my life and what to do, something stops me from doing it. All I know is my body tenses up and a layer of fear springs up around my skin and I stop in my tracks.

It makes me want to curl up and hide, and just watch TV constantly or read or do other things to zone out.

But then my life doesn't improve and my potential isn't realized.

Does anyone have any tips about how to work with that? And/or any info about what causes it/where it comes from?

[Coco]

I guess it feels like overwhelming despair perhaps? Powerlessness or defeat maybe part of it?

I need to find ways to overcome it at least a little bit though, because I can't continue to wait until I've achieved some elusive goal of being 'healed' before I get on with taking action for my self interest.

I'm annoyed that I have so many unconscious fears controlling me and I'm lost as to what to do about them.

One solution my mind is giving me is just to get really tough with myself and attempt to do this to the fear/paralysis feelings  and just be mean to myself and barge through it all. That might work but if history's anything to go by, separating from myself that way just makes the painful parts follow me around and sabotage from behind the scenes.

I'm so sick of this

[Three Roses]

Hmmm... i'm not sure if this is what you are having but I'm wondering if it's an emotional flashback. See if you think any of this will be helpful;

http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

Let me know if that's not it, I'll try to find something to help.

[Coco]

Jeez, that seems to be EXACTLY what it is!

It's astounding reading this stuff!  it's precisely what happens for me.... I didn't realize what it was or that others experience it. It's amazing seeing myself written down so clearly

Three Roses, you've been very very kind & helpful to me on multiple posts and that's been of huge comfort. Thanks

[hurtbeat]

I am a freeze response person myself and I get this too, probably because my engulfing mother didn't approve when I tried to become independent by doing my own thing.
It wasn't always said out loud but I could feel a shift in her mood to the worse if she didn't knew exactly were she had me.
I also think she was jealous of any progress I made since she didn't want me to be "better" than her.

Maybe you had similar experiences?

I'd suggest starting off on a smaller scale and remember to pat yourself on the shoulder every time you accomplish something.
For me this means setting up a daily routine of house chores and cooking food since I easily drift off into doing nothing all day because of dissociation.
I find that doing something with your body like cleaning or cooking can be very helpful when you are too much "in your head".

I also recommend Pete Walkers book on CPTSD, it's like a bible to me and I bet you'd find lots of helpful information in that book!

[Healing Finally]

I can't believe it!  Coco:  This post is exactly what I've been wondering lately too!

Ever since I found the Out of the Fog and Out of the Storm websites, and becoming educated with the symptoms of c-pstd; I am zeroing in on my emotions and behavior patterns.  I'm beginning to understand the dissociation that takes over me when I'm overwhelmed or triggered; but this "paralysis", as you call it, is something I've really been wondering about.

I feel like I can only go "so far" with my progress in life, and know that there has always been something limiting me.  It's something very scary as my body gets so anxious when I even think about it.  I am quite capable and have talent and I really want to get better with my skills but I get stuck!  And if I do feel more healthy and get involved in something that promotes my skills, sometimes I can't pull it off (like I was in a holiday show last year, but after months of practice I missed 4 of the 5 performances.)

And yes hurtbeat, I wonder if it's due to my allowing my sister to forever challenge me subconsciously !  She has always been able to keep me in a subordinate position all her life, until 2.5 years ago when I had a toxic reaction to the toxicity of our relationship and she hasn't spoken to me since.  Unfortunately the family is now split, as I experience the imposed isolation.  This brings up lots of anxiety as I feel so bad about myself being excluded from the family. This is something that I'm sharing with people on the OOTF forum.

I am so just glad to have found this forum too.  I get overwhelmed by all this good and healthy information and want to crawl back in bed or binge watch something on netflix.  But, then I come back when I'm ready for more.  I've ordered the Pete Walker book From Surviving to Thriving and look forward to it's arrival.  Knowledge is so key, at least for me.

And I wanted to share that this article really resonated for me.  I do think since I've experienced emotional abuse as a child, my hippocampus may be smaller than normal, and sometimes i feel like I just can't get any more happy, when I know I could really go to the next level of happiness. 

From the article:
"[The] more episodes of depression a person had, the greater the reduction in hippocampus size. So recurrent or persistent depression does more harm to the hippocampus the more you leave it untreated."

Link:  http://www.collective-evolution.com/2016/02/19/how-depression-affects-brain-structure-what-you-can-do-to-change-it-back/

Hugs to all and thank you again for posting.

[Coco]

Gosh, great replies. Gotta go to work, looking forward to coming back later 

[hurtbeat]

Interesting article Healing Finally!
I wonder now if my hippocampus is small even if I had some happy days because of mood swings that suddenly make me feel happy, excited and in love.
It might be the body's defence against breaking down.

It's weird how I sometimes feel good and happy but I figure that if I have bad mood swings then there must also be good, or else it wouldn't be called "swings".

[Candid]

Coco, I could have written all this myself.

I guess it feels like overwhelming despair perhaps? Powerlessness or defeat maybe part of it?

Yes, all of this. It's been a constant for months.

I need to find ways to overcome it at least a little bit though, because I can't continue to wait until I've achieved some elusive goal of being 'healed' before I get on with taking action for my self interest.

Can you think of ways to overcome it? I can't. I'm still waiting to see a trauma therapist who may or may not be any good.

I'm annoyed that I have so many unconscious fears controlling me and I'm lost as to what to do about them.

Annoyed is too mild a word for me. I'm so full of rage, I feel as though I don't even want to get better... I just want it to be over.

One solution my mind is giving me is just to get really tough with myself and attempt to do this to the fear/paralysis feelings  and just be mean to myself and barge through it all.

Do you even know where to start? I'm in a holding pattern. Drag myself out of bed late each morning, and I only do that so as not to attract attention from the people I live with. Sit on the internet all day unless my husband wants my company for something. Think of going for a walk, and think... naaah.

That might work but if history's anything to go by, separating from myself that way just makes the painful parts follow me around and sabotage from behind the scenes.

Yes, I have a long history of this too: ignoring how I feel and just getting on with things, but the 'things' have all gone in a procession of failures and it truly feels like there's nothing to do but wait. What's it gonna be, miracle or death? You can't wish yourself to death (I've tried) but I'm sure feeling this way must be impacting on my immune system. I truly feel like a dead woman walking. Mostly sitting.

I'm so sick of this

Me too. Feeling as I do, there really is nothing to do but wait. Even personal hygiene is on the blink. I'm kinda numb.

Sorry I have nothing helpful to say. I will watch this space to see if you shake it off and start barging through.

I frequently ask myself, if someone offered me the death needle right now, would I say yes please. The answer differs.

I'm thankful no one in my FOO knows about this, and I don't let extended family members see it. My FOO always said there was something very wrong with me, you see, and it seems to have been a self-fulfilling prophecy. If there's one thought that keeps me struggling on, it's that maybe there will be a miracle and I can prove them wrong by having some times of happiness before I die.

Wry smile: my husband has just popped in to say he'll take me to a pub this afternoon. Death needle postponed...

[alliematt]

I took a look at this thread because I have been feeling this way myself today.  Going to go do some reading.

[Lingurine]

I feel like that a lot, crazymaking lethargy, just want to lay in bed, don't want to do something other than staring at my iPad. Zone out, escape my thoughts and want to be gone. Freezing and frightened and hopeless to change that. Having a moment right now.


Lingurine

[Blueberry]

Holy Cow, this is me too, Coco!
(Almost) exact same situation: when I have a new idea for my healing progress, or even general progress (it can be something as 'simple' as taping a postcard to the wall for decoration), I feel paralysed. I don't feel my body tensing up, but maybe it does. I feel other symptoms instead, which I can't write here. But same sort of reaction, I want to curl up somewhere. When I still had a sofa it was on there, now it's my bed. Not always of course. I do fight against it, but that involves so much energy!       

Sometimes I consciously allow myself to do it. I see it as a kind of regeneration. For work and progress accomplished. But now that I know (thanx to your post  ) that this is an amygdala hijack, I may be re-thinking that.

I divide my 'projects', which can be as simple as 'cleaning the kitchen' into small, manageable steps. Wash the dishes. Wipe the table. Sweep or vacuum the floor. Wash the floor.
I don't generally have To Do lists, I have a Must/Could List. The Musts are always the same: basic points that keep me stable in the long term: get up, meds 1 and 2, eat once, drink twice, be outside, speak to one person who is not a client, feed Furry Critters (cuz it's not their fault). I tick them off as I go through the day, with a coloured pen/pencil (that helps).

On the same piece of paper I have Coulds: some of these are regular too such as Clean anywhere. If I were to do all steps in the 'cleaning the kitchen' project on one day (which is unlikely), I would put 4 nice coloured ticks next to Clean anywhere. I also have all my professional work in the Could section. You might think that should be a Must, but no, that puts me under too much pressure and that leads to paralysis.

I actually came up with the Must/Could system by myself and I'm proud of it, tho of course a bit embarrassed to say it. But I am proud. Good job, Blueberry!    I've been using it now for about 4 or 5 years. I've kept a lot of my old lists. If I look at them, I can see how much progress I've made; how much I get done on an average day now compared to 2 years ago. An exceptionally good day then is now average. 

I make a Goals poster for about a 2 or 3 month span and put it on the wall. Goals can vary but fairly standard ones are: Take care of self; Have fun / enjoy life; Make home a pleasant place. Underneath each Goal I list steps to reach this, which can be one-offs or regular, and I keep ticking them as I do them. On more active days I tick the regular things less often, just because I'm active, on the go. On days when the going is really hard, I tick off every little thing. e.g. under Make home a pleasant place I always have Clean anywhere / Tidy anywhere, so after I eat, I reward myself for carrying my plate and knife over to the sink by making a tick at Tidy anywhere  because I did have the energy and motivation to do it!
Have fun / enjoy life is crucial because without this I would give up. It includes really 'simple' things like sit in the sun at my window, do something with colour - which in itself can be passive like looking at pictures in a book or on my walls or more active like colouring in or chopping different coloured veg for a meal.

I did as I say develop this system myself but I had some encouragement and help in occupational therapy. I was lucky to find an occupational therapist who was willing to learn from me how to work with somebody with CPTSD. This was before I found a trauma T I could work with one-on-one. I'd been going on 'retreats' I suppose you could call them, group therapy with 2 to 3 therapists who could all do trauma-adapted T for those who needed it, for a good number of years. One of the therapists from this place, who knew me well, was willing to explain various things to the occupational T, and she was willing to listen and learn from that. Occupational therapy was very useful to me in helping me re-activate and in giving me a 'safe place' to try things out with my hands and a place where I was able to feel what was going on internally and talk my Inner Children through the blockages and hurdles. Some of the Inners obviously felt safe in that place with that particular occupational T and so they allowed me to feel / sense what their worries were and then I could work with them.

"Don't worry, I the Adult will take care of you now" doesn't work for my Inners unless I know specifically what they're frightened of. So if I'm doing handyman type jobs, are they frightened of a) having their thumbs hit by the hammer or b) frightened of the banging noises or c) something completely different?  Answers: a) not at all b) a little bit c) yes, in spoonfuls i.e. if I remember correctly about 3 different sources of fear, all of which had to be worked through several times in occup. T. The main source of fear was directly related to a traumatising event, but apparently it's not anything Ts would come up with on their own, because nobody had up until then.

Thanks for posting the question because it's given me a lot to think about and also review from my past healing process.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi coco
Such a good thread, thank you for posting as it has really helped me today ..
Thank you to three roses also for the link to emotional flashbacks - I can get overwhelmed reading pete w literature but today I saw the link relating to my current experience .. inner critic created the flashback and I went into freeze. For me this wk and for a good while now ( since I've not been working) I've retreated to bed for long spells twice. As you describe quote 'paralysis', fear grips me and it like I get 'knocked out' - freeze response. I've just slept for 12 hours on and off and I was in bed clutching my teddy bears asking myself 'what am I getting from this' the answer was - connection with my inner girl who was so frightened and shaken. Getting a sense of containment and safety , connecting back to me so i can then provide compassion and reassurance to myself ..
when I get immobilised everything feels hard and my body gets extremely stiff and achy .. I've just done some grounding and containment exercises given to me by a body trauma therapist and they really help along with some eft tapping and telling myself I am safe - the original trauma is not happening now. Also I do the a-z game I choose boys names, this helps get me back into the left side brain and out of the spinning emotional brain

[sigiriuk]

OMG OMG
You have nailed it!
Inner critic ---> Emotional Flashback ---> Freeze.

Seeing that my Inner Critic works overtime, that is why I am so paralysed.

Thx Guys

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi slim
It is good you got that identification too ...
I've found that it is then working backwards - 1) getting out of the freeze
2) working to get out of the flashback by getting back into the body and the left side rational brain 3) working with affirmations around what the inner critic is saying also I am going to try challenging it