voicelessagony2 journal

Kizzie · January 01, 2015, 03:37:48 AM

I went through this too VA (a noticeable increase in my ICr's voracity as I began to focus on recovery), and as Walker and others suggest I would shout the voice down. To some extent that worked, but it was when I read a post by Milarepa and tried a different tactic that I learned how to really quiet my ICr.

Her post is in here at http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=410.0 and in it she honours her ICr, thanking it for keeping her safe when she could not escape the trauma inflicted on her, and telling it how much she appreciated it, and that she hoped it would keep her safe - but in times of real danger now.

I don't know if it this approach resonates with you, but it helped me tremendously so I thought I'd mention it.

schrödinger's cat · January 01, 2015, 08:55:11 AM

That's what I did too - treat my ICr like a respected and valued minion who means well but has to occasionally be told that his behaviour isn't realistic / acceptable right now. But I wasn't quite aware that this kind of self-doubt could actually be my ICr. I let it go unchecked. Sooo... I think I have another new year's resolution.

voicelessagony2 · January 03, 2015, 03:20:46 AM

Wow Kizzie, thank you for that. I think Milarepa has written a beautiful stepping stone I can use, or a wonderful tool to use for growth. I'm going to keep this on hand!

Kizzie · January 03, 2015, 06:10:05 AM

Tk Milarepa, she came up with it lol. I thought it made complete sense since our IC is a part of us anyway and when it's heathy it can be an important part of our psyches so why not be " firm but friendly"?

voicelessagony2 · January 06, 2015, 05:17:03 PM

I seem to have really struck a vein of creativity when I started making holiday ornaments last month. I can't stop creating, and I'm so excited! I have not been this excited to do ANYTHING since I can remember!
I'm working on a star shaped lantern with intricate swirls cut out. It's black and will have gold transparent for the light to shine through. I'm actually thinking about making this a working hobby & sell stuff on etsy. I'll post a pic when I'm finished & maybe get some opinions.

I feel really really strongly about my creativity being my calling. I want to make lanterns & lighted paper sculptures, and I want to make furniture! For real! We have every type of wood tool imaginable, so why not? I love making things.

I don't want to ruin it by making it into a money thing, though. With my history with money, I'm afraid that I will start to see it as a job and start to hate it.

However, I need to be working to at least earn my keep. I'm starting to feel sincerely bad for my boyfriend having to support me 100% now that unemployment has run out.

Maybe I need to sell my car & learn the bus schedules. I have NEVER been on a bus in this city. The idea scares me to death, but if I could ditch the car payments, WOW ...

I think I just decided my priorities. If I'm going to dedicate myself to crafting, I need to just sell my car, learn bus schedules, and show all this preparation work to my boyfriend so he knows I'm not just becoming a professional freeloader.

Kizzie · January 06, 2015, 06:43:14 PM

I just read your post on feeling overwhelmed by employment goals and here you have tapped into a passion that could turn into something

There are a lot of things you can claim re income tax when you own a business so that's one benefit you might take a look at.

voicelessagony2 · January 13, 2015, 02:07:29 AM

Some of my paper crafts. I have no idea what I'm going to do with them.

Any ideas?

This is going to be a star lamp, not quite finished yet.

marycontrary · January 13, 2015, 02:22:07 AM

Those are just freakin' awesome!

Kizzie · January 13, 2015, 05:46:51 AM

voicelessagony2 · January 13, 2015, 10:45:19 PM

Awareness is over rated.

In my profession, change management, every change process starts with "Awareness" and there is an acronym like ADKAR which means Awareness, Desire, Knowledge, Action, Reinforcement, or something like that.

So I woke up this morning and the word "Awareness" with all the different meanings and uses of that word, and a little rhyme popped in my head:

I am aware
But I don't care
I feel despair
That I'll never get there.

voicelessagony2 · January 23, 2015, 06:43:58 PM

Self-expression is an overwhelmingly difficult thing for me.

I learned at a formative stage of development (2 - 3 yrs old, if not before) that self-expression, i.e. complaints, pain, sadness, etc., was prohibited under threat of punishment. This instilled at a deep fundamental level, a profound fear of ALL self-expression. I became quiet. I lived inside my own head. With no siblings, and living in extreme isolation, I never had anyone to talk to.

Then, in high school, I was publicly shamed and ostracized for inadvertently starting a scandal. I shared a secret about my best friend with a girl who I used to play with when we were the only 2 kids within a 50 mile radius. The scandal spread like wildfire the very next day and reached the entire school. I was accused of lying by the school counselor when I tried to explain the truth - that I only told my one close friend. The other girl implicated in the scandal threatened - and made plans - to physically hurt me in retribution.

To this day, I struggle to find my voice. I have so much to say! I want to write a book, articles, blog, podcast, video... but I am trapped inside my own mind. I'm lost at the bottom of a dry well. Nobody knows I'm here. I try to scream, but the only sound I make is a whisper, and nobody in today's loud, fast, aggressive society can be bothered to listen to a whisper.

schrödinger's cat · January 23, 2015, 07:49:27 PM

You sound like you're in immense emotional pain, and have been for most of your life. I'm glad that you're again and again taking the leap and telling us your side of the story. You have so much to say, and it's all worth hearing.

Kizzie · January 23, 2015, 07:59:56 PM

It seems to me that you are most definitely finding your voice now and that's wonderful!

voicelessagony2 · January 23, 2015, 09:36:55 PM

Quote from: schrödinger's cat on January 23, 2015, 07:49:27 PM
You sound like you're in immense emotional pain, and have been for most of your life. I'm glad that you're again and again taking the leap and telling us your side of the story. You have so much to say, and it's all worth hearing.

Thank you cat

I keep trying. I feel safe here. It's good to have a place to whisper.

voicelessagony2 · January 23, 2015, 09:39:50 PM

Quote from: Kizzie on January 23, 2015, 07:59:56 PM
It seems to me that you are most definitely finding your voice now and that's wonderful!

Kizzie,

Thanks... I am only doing that here in OOTS, right now... I want to find other places and other ways to speak up, but I don't know how to start... but this is good practice!