New beginning

[Contessa]

I don't know why I picked a lightbulb, but I'm just going to continue to mark this moment as a positive new beginning.

All about me...
I have just made the decision, from yet another stimulus received through my family, to end my association with them for good. This is in the last hour or so.

My recovery has come along so well, and I have built up such a good support network of late, that the things that my family do that used to wipe me out completely, do not any more. But non-the-less, those things are no less disrespectful.

So, now that I have reached a good place in myself again, have learned to live without needing or loving them, it is in my own best interests to let them go. They have not changed. If something they do... yet again... hurts me, I'm still being blamed by them for having my feelings hurt when I speak up. If I say nothing, I'm as good as a doll sitting on a shelf, waiting to be picked up on the rare occasion that they want me (actually that's never, the dust will continue to gather). I'm still being told i'm causing drama where there is none.

So none there shall be. The funny thing is, at this point in time, nothing will change. Because this time, i'm not suffering through a trauma, or experiencing grief, my life has not been turned upside down. They abandoned me when I needed them during those experiences, and I barely survived.

Not only did I experience a sudden loss of social connections with those traumas, they left me alone to 'cheer myself up'. Although I never heard them say that, they weren't talking to me nor checking in with me. I do remember that being the attitude toward my brother when he was going through his divorce though.

So I will cheer myself up. With my new support network. That know what I am dealing with, and are still willing to hang out for a drink, or go to a movie, or check out a new cafe... whatever normal things there are to do that normal people do... whatever my family suddenly stopped doing with me.

**Trigger Warning**

I recall the first time suicide popped into my head, it scared the living * out of me. I remember thinking that I could never do it, I would never put my family through that grief. I remember how I got myself into counselling. My main priority was to get my life back on track, and make sure that my family would be able to lift the worry they were no doubt feeling for me. I was worried about their pain more so than mine. What I went through was so horrible, I was strengthened by the fact that I suffered it and not them. I wanted to rebuild my strength so that when I could tell them what happened I wouldn't be a mess, I would still be functioning. I could thrive again with their understanding. They were not asked to do anything for me except be mindful. That's it.

But in that process I went through another traumatic event. And they abandoned me. And they did things that triggered me. And I fell into new depths with frequent, lasting suicidal ideation. It got to the point that on the rare occasion I was asked what I was doing, and my response was "researching methods for killing myself"... (cue the crickets). From their point of view, i've finally found out, I'm just trying to guilt them. I hold them in contempt for something that happened to me a long time ago.

Enough. My life is finally, miraculously, moving forward again after a six year stall. They were long, very long years to endure... but looking back there is nothing to remember. Such a huge waste of time. So much life could have been lived, but through utter selfishness and stupid egocentric behaviour, six * years have been wasted. I absolutely despise them for that.

But no more. They are no longer my family, or a concern. The energy and drive I have finally regained will be used on me, and the people who do care about me.

I'm beginning to feel like me again, and its the me I like again. And I am a good person. I don't want to risk losing myself again because of them again. And there is no loss to grieve this time.

I think this is a step in a positive direction!

[radical]

I applaud you for reaching this place.  I can't help feeling  a little fellow-feeling for what it took to get you here.

My family don't give a flying **** either.  I've wondered where the grief is.  Shouldn't I feel something after all these years, about just leaving them behind, about their barely crossing my mind anymore?  I think it was it was released across time with every invalidating, uncaring, thoughtless, ignorant, heartless, and cruel, action and inaction, until it was exhausted.  Time will tell.

Sometimes it seems that when there is a lack in foundational relationships, it can make the person suffering most keenly from the deficiency extra sensitive to the feelings of others, including those who created it, as if it was an imbalance in nature that must be resolved.

I don't know if you know this 'Indigo Girls' song.  The chorus is:

Replace the rent with the stars above,
Replace the need with love,
Replace the anger with the tide,
Replace the ones, the ones that you love.

Good for you in doing it.

[Dee]

And here we are.....families that are so dysfunctional we are better off without them.  I also believe we tried and tired to form relationships in the name of family.  It is good and sad at the same time when we decide we are more healthy without them.

[sanmagic7]

amen.

[woodsgnome]

These journeys are so full of twists and turns, regrets, anger, ache, and so much more. We each find our unique ways to deal with what once seemed impossible. It's wonderful when we somehow, often with no idea how, the light-bulb flickers on, and we feel so much better for having found the trail again.

You said it perfectly, Contessa: "I'm beginning to feel like me again, and its the me I like again. And I am a good person. I don't want to risk losing myself again because of them again. And there is no loss to grieve this time."

Thanks for holding the light up for all to see, especially those of us who know what courage that truly represents.

[Contessa]

Feel it Radical, because every interaction here, big or small, has given me the strength to make this decision without regret. Over the last day I have been remembering all of the upset I have felt over the years, and the responding attitude of my need to change to make things better (including psychological intervention). I wish I had the strength to make this decision years ago, who knows how different my life would be.

Dee, you nailed it. I spoke to one of my sisters and she said 'Okay'. It was great. Just simply 'Okay... do you need me to speak to the others about this...' She checked what I needed and what this decision meant, who this estrangement applied to, and she did not try and talk me out of it.

Woodsgnome and San, thanks. Glad you are here and understand. I wish this wasn't the way, but this is just how it has to be.

[Healing Finally]

And here we are.....families that are so dysfunctional we are better off without them.  I also believe we tried and tired to form relationships in the name of family.  It is good and sad at the same time when we decide we are more healthy without them.

YES!  Lately I've been beating my head against the wall "in the name of family."  But, everyone is happy to let it go (ie. let me go), as they don't want to address the dysfunction.  So bye bye "family".  Hello, ?

Contessa, you may have posted somewhere else about this, but are you continuing your NC with your family and if so, how is that going?   

[Contessa]

Hey!

Yep, still on it. Its not difficult, they've never made any attempt to check in with me for years, so there is no disappointment at wasted efforts on my end.

Goodbye family, hello life. Hello happiness. Hello to a chance at love. Hello new friends. Hello to pleasure in the little things. Hello sanity. Hello peace...

[sanmagic7]

and they all welcome you with open arms.

[Healing Finally]

Hey!

Yep, still on it. Its not difficult, they've never made any attempt to check in with me for years, so there is no disappointment at wasted efforts on my end.

Goodbye family, hello life. Hello happiness. Hello to a chance at love. Hello new friends. Hello to pleasure in the little things. Hello sanity. Hello peace...

Love this!!   

[Contessa]

Here's something interesting for you.

Dressed in my work clothes, I walked right past my brother on the way to the office. He was talking to someone about his current life plans (ie stuff that for years mututal friends would think i'd know more about, because, you know... being his ****ing sister and all).

So yes. Walked right past him. No recognition. I just walked into the office and got on with my day.

I swear I was not upset at the time. Just now that I think of it.

[heather.hartig]

hello, and I am finding out that I have to do the same thing. Although, I do not know how to break it off with my family. I am finding that I am codependent on them. While, they want to harm me, and call that love.

[Contessa]

Hi HeatherH,

I remember being codependent with my family. We became estranged years ago when, as a result of traumatic grief followed by domestic violence (think the beginning of John Wick without the whole assassin thing... :/), I was approaching them in the way I needed to be with them.

But they ignored me or gave me a backhand for it. If they gave me any line it was their terms and not how I needed the relationship to be, so after having everything taken away from me I could not let them extinguish what little was left of my being.

I stood my ground. I could not have survived if I didn't. They would have delivered the final nail.

I needed them. But I needed them my way. I know I would not be alive today if I did it their way. And so ended my codependence, but started six or so long years of battling my demons on my own, and seeking the help of others who proved to be damaging in their own way too.

I wish I could help. I know I did right by standing my ground, but I didn't want to acknowledge their wrong. In hindsight I should have sought therapy at the time to guide me through. That is probably the best I can suggest.

I'm sorry that you are going through this, but it sounds like you're at the first step of a new journey. Don't do it alone, and do it with anyone who will take advantage of this vulnerability as I was repeatedly. Do it with professional guidence to save you the years I wasted.

[Contessa]

On another note, I have built up a support network of others that openly call me their family. I think I belong to about four now

Part of my being was being able to look after and support others. It's been devastating not being able to do that because of the daily struggle of being alone in my own head. I am a few steps closer to getting back there.

So glad I don't have them anymore.

[Healing Finally]

On another note, I have built up a support network of others that openly call me their family. I think I belong to about four now

Part of my being was being able to look after and support others. It's been devastating not being able to do that because of the daily struggle of being alone in my own head. I am a few steps closer to getting back there.

So glad I don't have them anymore.

Good for you Contessa!  So glad you don't have them anymore too 

I surprise myself as I become more comfortable with putting my needs first now, it took me YEARS to do this.  I can do this now because of the support I have received from the Out of the Fog and Out of the Storm websites, especially since I've discovered my c-ptsd, along with the ongoing work I've been doing with my therapist.

I like the idea of being part of more than one family, actually having another "family" that isn't the one I was born into.  I find that the word "family" tends to put me off now a days, but I sure do appreciate the people who love me and keep me close to their heart.

And HeatherH, I highly recommend you do what ever you can do to separate yourself from your family.  Every day they hurt you is another day you are in pain.  It's been super tough for me to do this, as I've ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR MY FAMILY.  But, the codependency is truly harming to us, and it doesn't help them either!  Even if it's a "temporary break" what ever it takes, you may need to work with a therapist if you don't have one already. 

Take care all