Letter to my partner asking for help.

[alovelycreature]

To preface my letter, I want to read this to my partner. I am afraid of sharing it with him. First because I don't like asking for help. Ever. I've very much adopted the attitude that I can do everything on my own without help. Secondly, because I think he may be uCPTSD. He very much hates psychiatry due to a traumatic experience growing up (his Mom and grandmother were abusive and he was diagnosed with ADD). I feel that he was misdiagnosed, and that this diagnosis ruled most of his life. He spent much of his life thinking this destroyed many opportunities for him and developed a drinking problem. He's been clean for 10+ years now though. I'm worried that this letter might give him EFs he's not aware of. Ok here it is! 

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Partner,

I know that I am a handful. I really want this relationship to work, but in order for it to work I think we need to both practice being more vulnerable with each other. I have noticed when either of us feel vulnerable, we tend to lash out. Whether it be at ourselves, each other, others, whatever. Although I have noticed this. I want to use this opportunity to talk about my part of our relationship specifically.

I am tired of my breakdowns and lashing out. It harms me and others around me. I have been on a CPTSD support forum talking to others about my experience, my symptoms, and asking for help. I'm finding this incredibly helpful for understanding myself. I am learning so much from other people who have not only experienced what I have experienced, but are at different parts of their journey so I learn things that help them.

I'm learning that I can't do this alone—managing and coping with my CPTSD. I am proud of myself for how far I've come. I'm able to sleep. I think I've only had one panic attack in the past couple years. My nightmares are less, and my dreams are different. I go longer and longer periods without picking my scabs. I find one kind thing to do for myself every day. When I feel like s***, lonely, or isolated, I get out of the house (some of the time, I never used to). I'm practicing slowing down and being more mindful. I've gotten back into yoga. However, my emotional flashbacks still seem to be just as strong as ever.

All of these things I've overcome regard me managing myself. The other part of my journey I need to focus on is relationships with others. I know I've told you I feel like I'm very unfair to you when I have breakdowns, or when I blow up at you about stupid things like the dishes. I know you don't regard yourself as innocent, and take responsibility when it's due. And sometimes you take responsibility when it's not due to make me feel like I'm not crazy. That's not good for us.

I want to propose something that I think might be very difficult for both of us, but I'm hoping it will make our relationship better. I need you to partner with me on this so I can stop being fearful in my relationships. I plan on spending the rest of my life with you, so I really can't think of a better person to ask for this kind of help. I hope not only that it helps me, but it might make our relationship stronger.

1.) I want to be able to tell you when I'm feeling vulnerable. This means I want to tell you when I'm scared, no matter what it is. I sometimes wonder if I say my fears aloud to someone else if they would go away or make them less intense. I know that might require hearing things that are incredibly bizarre or silly. However, I feel many of my anxieties and fears are bizarre and silly. I know they might not go away even after expressing them, but I'm learning sharing stories is important to healing.

2.) Whenever I have thought about why I flip out around my period, I usually think it's because of my CPTSD and a combination of something that is bothering me. I think because you are so immediate, I think my sadness, irritation, etc. has to do with our relationship. However, when I started learning about PMDD, doors opened.

I'm starting to think it's a combination of different things, but mostly my feelings of being vulnerable. Whether it's my unhealthy mindset of perfectionism, societal pressures, or bad values I learned or developed. I feel vulnerable all the time. We all do. I'm not special in this regard. However, my fear of vulnerability runs my life. The inability to accept myself and really plainly "what is" is makings me depressed, anxious, and just plain unhappy. This has been seen in my breakdowns about my artwork, my job, my friends, the cleanliness of the house, my relationship with you, and pretty much every aspect of my life.

Most of the month I can manage this and work hard to try and self sooth or work on other parts of myself. It seems easier to notice, accept, and let go. However, when I am PMSing I naturally feel depressed, anxious, exhausted, irritable because of my hormones. When I can't self sooth the demons away I explode. I've only recently noticed this about myself. I think when I feel this vulnerable my whole world crashes down around me. My strive for perfection makes me feel like a failure. If I'm not perfect who's going to love me? If I'm not perfect who's going to like me? If I'm not perfect, I certainly cannot like me. If I'm not perfect people at work are going to notice. If I'm not perfect I can't be a good friend or partner. I'm not making artwork so I'm a failure. During PMS I can't pull myself out of the rut. I have emotional flashbacks and can't self sooth. I hope this is making sense to you. If not please understand how important this realization is for me. I'm sure I'll discover better ways to describe it.

When I feel horrible and like s*** from PMS. I wish the house were clean. Not only does the house being clean make me feel relaxed, but my PMS symptoms make me so exhausted that I don't have the energy to do it. The house gets dirtier and dirtier and it just makes me anxious knowing I'm going to have to clean up more and more and I'm falling further and further behind. I get completely overwhelmed.

I feel so terrible and exhausted that I want someone to do nice things for me like make me dinner. I'm not asking you to make dinner every night for two weeks. I just feel too exhausted to make healthy food and it makes me feel even worse to eat crap.

I'm hoping if we can make small changes, I can step back and more clearly look at my feelings, emotions, and emotional flashbacks and start to lessen their power or let them go. Since I track my cycle and keep a mood log, I thought when my hormones start dropping I can say something to you so you are aware. I would like if maybe we can clean the house together when I'm feeling * so it doesn't seem so overwhelming. Or as I said before, at least tell you how vulnerable it makes me feel. I also think getting prepackaged meals or a rotisserie chicken that week from the store will make things seem easier. Or maybe we can cook dinner together. I'm sure there are many possibilities and I'm open to them.

3.) I want you to better understand what I'm going through. I have a hard time explaining it because it is so complex. It honestly feels surreal to me. It is my truth and reality—my good qualities and my flaws. I don't really feel connected with who I am sometimes. I think sometimes it is hard for you to understand my experience because you have had similar painful experiences that have not effected you in the same way they have effected me. That's okay. We are different people. Us being different has been good for me. I learn from you as I hope you learn from me. As I have said though, being able to share my experience and tell my story is what is going to be part of my healing.

I've noticed about myself that I tend to be too open. I've also noticed my need to express my vulnerability has made me someone who just talks incessantly in hopes of connection with someone else. I want to be more mindful in my speech, but I don't want to be told what I should express or not express. This is something I want to find out with my own mindfulness practice. I just want you to know I am aware of this. The reason I am aware of this is because of you and others around me.

It would mean a great deal to me if you would take the time to learn more about CPTSD. It is incredibly different from the standard PTSD diagnosis. CPTSD is a lot of poorly developed coping mechanisms from childhood stress, neglect, abuse, or trauma. CPTSD treatment is not treated with drugs, but with noticing, accepting, and transforming these poor coping techniques and developing self-awareness. That's why a lot of treatment involves meditation/mindfulness. Simply noticing, accepting, and asking questions does much of the work.

This is really hard. For myself or anyone. Especially with my perfectionist tendencies to divide and conquer my poor qualities, which only leads me to feelings of inadequacy. How come I can't do this? What's wrong with me? Can you see the cycle? In trauma work the perfectionist is called the "inner critic." We all have them. Some people are just more mindful of it and give it less power.

I think the most important thing for you to understand is that this is never going to go away. I will have CPTSD for my entire life. I spent years living with it as silent victim. I spent years being angry about it. I really had to grieve that this is like a chronic illness. Even though this is something that is chronic, it doesn't mean I'm incapable of change. Earlier I mentioned all the obstacles I've overcome. I'm still overcoming obstacles, and new obstacles will appear with each part of my life. As an ongoing thread, everyone experiences this and I am not special, but the symptoms I suffer are different than those who do not have CPTSD. It is the blessing and curse of diagnosis. To me, when I was diagnosed I was relieved to know I wasn't "crazy." That my symptoms were not my fault. That my symptoms were my poor coping mechanisms from traumatic circumstances and never being taught emotional regulation.

I know that understanding the root of symptoms has helped me change. I think if you understand the symptoms and the root of them, not only will you better understand me but you will better react to me in times when I am feeling vulnerable. Instead of, "ALovelyCreature is just flipping about the dishes and how incompetent I am regarding chores," I want you to see, "ALovelyCreature is feeling vulnerable," and potentially, "ALovelyCreature is feeling vulnerable. This is a symptom. It has nothing to do with who I am. However, I can help her by validating her feelings and asking how I can help her." When I see your "inner critic" come out during these fights it causes me to feel suicidal. "I am such a horrible person and partner that I'm causing Partner to hate himself and feel like he isn't good enough. I would be better off dead than making people feel this way." I'm not good enough and I'm not perfect occupies much of my self talk to the point of destruction.

I'm hoping that I can start saying, "I am feeling vulnerable. I feel horrible, the house is a mess, and it is making me anxious."

I don't expect this to happen over night. I don't expect to do everything at once. I'm hoping that this is just opening the door to a conversation and a change. Writing this and the thought of sharing it makes me feel vulnerable. Feeling vulnerable is okay with the right person. I want to know if this person is you.

Love always,

ALovelyCreature

[Rain]

Wow.  Simply wow.   

[Sandals]

It's a beautiful letter, Lovely. It made me cry. I admire your vulnerability and courage in doing this.

[alovelycreature]

So I read (most) of this letter to my partner, and it did not go over well. He felt attacked. I told him I didn't mean to make him feel that way and I was trying to ask for help. He said that if I wanted to change things about myself, I should and just put them into action. He said he needs to work on himself and feels like I'm always expecting him do something.

He recently gave me this book called Hardcore Zen, and he said the reason he gave it to me was because he wanted me to realize my experience is the same as everyone's experience. He doesn't know anything about CPTSD, but is aware I have it, and said, "Now I have to read about all these disorders?"

It's like I caused him to have some sort of EF. He locked himself in the bathroom and kept saying things like, "That isn't what you wanted to hear. That wasn't helpful."

I have been thinking this for a while. I think our relationship is toxic for me. I think that he is so into himself that he can't even just acknowledge my feelings. Having to sit down and talk with someone about how I feel always gives me an EF. My EF is crying for help and no one helping me. Being completely alone, abandoned, and unvalidated. It's like I've been dating my M for the past 8 years. 

[Wonderwall]

alovelycreature, I am glad to hear that the reaction of your partner didn't make you doubt your letter which is beautifully written and very honest. I wish I had so much clarity myself at this moment. I have been thinking about writing other people close to me the similar letters to make it easier for them to understand my emotional roller coaster sometimes.

I believe that honesty is the best way to start a healthy relationship. He might not see it this way, but as you wrote, he seems to fight his own issues and to me it looks like he is just not ready to hear something like that right now. There might be a time when he is but for the moment you have to accept that he does not share your perspective and that this might not change for a while. I am a big believer that people can change the way they see themselves and others, especially when I think about all the things that I learned during the last year about my own behaviour. I have realised that I was wrong in so many ways and since then I am working very hard on being less judgmental and try to accept people for who they are (still working on doing that with myself). But acceptance does not mean we have to stick with people whose behaviour is intervening with the way we would like to live.  Decide for yourself whether you guys can work through this or if staying with him turns out to be toxic for your own development. From the self-reflective way that you write, I am sure you will figure out what's best for you. You are an inspiration!

[alovelycreature]

Hey wonderwall. Yes I was devastated after reading that to him. A big trigger for me. You're right, I've started being honest and opened the door, so now it won't be a surprise if I ask for help. I had a situation last week where I really needed support and he was able to be there for me. The letter might not have went over as I wanted it to, but I know in some ways he was able to hear me. I was actually telling him about a book I finished reading about shame (Daring Greatly) and he actually seems to be interested in reading it. So maybe that will help open some more doors.

I think I jump the gun a lot on thinking our relationship is toxic and I thinking I need to leave. Just my anxiety regarding rejection. Big trigger. Of course everyone here has helped me start noticing that and so many other things about myself! Other's stories here have inspired me, so I'm glad my story can help someone else

[Kizzie]

Hi lovely - if your partner has uCPTSD he will have very similar issues as you, but may not be at the same place in recovery.  Would you and he consider going to a T together so you can learn how to work together perhaps?  Also, I don't know if you have Walkers book but there's an annex at the back about how to lovingly work out conflict that you might find useful.

I think you're letter was so genuine and articulate that although initially he didn't react well he likely did so because he is afraid. However,  it's hard to resist when someone approaches you in an open and honest way.  He probably has taken that on board and will reciprocate once he feels safer.