new to this (trigger? )

[nursenewb]

Im doing this on mobile so please excuse typos

I was diagnosed last week...i still feel weird having a diagnosis. I went to therapy because everything is or was getting to be too much~ the loneliness, sadness, thoughts of self harm, anger, physical pain...

Anyway, Where to even start?  I have a long history of cutting, of physical and emotional abuse from my parents who both had alcohol problems. Met my ex at 15 amid he turned out to be even worse of an abuser. The sad thing with him is i didnt even have the courage or will to leave him, he left me for someone else and id probably take him back,it make me feel pathetic. I have some memories about my cousin "experimenting"  with me when we were younger at first i thought it was normal now i become uncomfortable if it crosses my mind and i push it away, I'm not sure what that's about.

Theres so much more that's notworth getting into now

I hate feeling so alone but I can't let anyone in. I'm always angry or feel so tense like I'm going to just physically burst other times I'm just so numb, I didn't even go see my nana when she was dying i just shut it out

So hopefully I can start to feel better

[Rain]

I loved your quote, nursenewb that you left a few days ago.

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."
"I don't much care where –"
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go."

Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland"

An Official Welcome to you, nursenewb, and I'm glad you arrived here.    A safe haven for you to do your Healing Journey with all of us here, so you are not alone.   You surely have been seeing yourself in the topics and posts here.   You are not alone.  We understand.

You just arrived, so "set down your bags, and stay awhile."    Do share what you are going through with us, and we look for your support as well.

There is hope in these dark days you are feeling.

A question for you.  Do you have a therapist to help guide you?   We are support here, which is so critical to healing ...and all Journeys need a Friend.   But, we are not professionals here. 

Also, if you have not been there already, please go to Pete Walker's web site for wonderful, and hopeful articles on recovering from CPTSD.    www.pete-walker.com    His book is excellent and many of us use it as a roadmap to healing.

As to the quote above, go inside to your heart, and outside to relationships so you can heal.    Do have hope, even if you cannot see that right now.     

[Sandals]

You're worth talking about all of this and more, nursenewb.

We're here with you as you start to feel safe to come out. There are a lot of healing people here; I have never found a safe place to talk about things that I want to push away. And as you start to talk, you will start to heal. It's a beautiful cycle and I'm so glad you're here to be a part of it.

[nursenewb]

Thank you for the warm welcome!  I do have a therapist I'm working with but figured and outlet and peer support would be helpful also. I look forward to being part of this group

[alovelycreature]

Welcome! I'm sure we have all felt the way you have felt at some point in our journey. You're not alone and you will start to feel better. Just take it one day at a time. 

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi nursenewb, and welcome! Like the others said, you're definitely not alone. I've found that alone so immensely healing - whatever weird and bizarre CPTSD symptom I have, there's probably someone on this forum who has it, too. It's such a relief.

[Badmemories]

  Welcome!

I read in Your post about relationship with others. I could NOT have come here and received so much help without the OOTF forum.( Out Of The Fog forum).. reading that Forum has helped me understand the personalities and the WHY I have CPSTD. The OOTF is a Parent site of Ours. That forum also helped me with the Denial I had about My Family Of Origin. (FOO)

http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=4.0 chosen board

I learned about boundaries, and how to help ME! With out the boundaries, I do not think that I could have had room to work on these things! I learned about enmeshment, sticking up for my self,and many other things. The introduction reads..

"Chosen Relationships" is a potpourri. We have people in friendships, dating situations, and marriages. Many people are committed, some aren't sure, and others are on the brink of separation.

http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=6.0 Unchosen board this introduction reads:

This is the place to exchange experiences, advice and support in navigating these very difficult and complicated relationships.

To be in an unchosen relationship is very difficult and often traumatizing. We are told repeatedly by society and well-meaning if sometimes clueless people that we "must," "should," "have to" (fill in the blank) because they - the personality disordered - are family. We are often asked to overlook continued abuses because the person is ill.

http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=12.0 board about ourselves.. This talks about things to help Us. Co=dependency, etc. the introduction reads..

In this corner of Out of the FOG, we've provided a place for folks to work on issues relating to our own emotional self-work. This can include our experiences in therapy, new insights about codependency, our personality traits, depression, anger, stress, trust & intimacy issues, or any other topics pertaining to US and OUR continuing life questions.

Welcome again to YOU journey on healing!