How do I approach my anger?

[sanmagic7]

hey, hurtbeat,

when i would sit down to write, it wasn't necessarily because i was feeling anger in the moment, but because i knew the anger was in there and it was hurting me and it was important to get it out of me.   so, i'd just start writing whatever came to mind, and it would kind of take on a life of its own.  what i had to do was allow that life to happen, no matter what i had been taught in church, by my folks, and just let the vitriol, the venom, the poison to come out whatever way it decided to show itself.  i've written what others might think were horrible things about my daughter, my parents, and others who have hurt me, but somewhere along the line i learned that if it comes to mind, it's valid, and it deserves to be put on paper.  it's strength and ugliness had been absorbed by my body and it was imperative that it be released in whatever form it appeared in my mind.  some of it was very brutal stuff.  that's why i'd walk that filled notebook out to the trash as soon as it was filled.   i didn't want it anywhere near me.

as far as physical letting out of anger, well my bed has taken a lot of punching.  once i even felt i needed to do stabbing motions, used a metal nail file for that on my bed.  the force of my anger was so strong that i actually bent it!  physical exercise never did it for me, tho, but this pounding/punching where i was picturing or thinking about who i felt anger toward helped a lot.  lots of energy expended at times, but i felt so much better afterward.  i have found that, for me, to be focused on who or what i was angry at or about was key to my process.  this wasn't generic anger - it had a reason.

those fateful days will come, when something becomes clear, but i don't think it will be all in one day.  this is a process, and, as such, it takes time and goes in pieces.  piece by piece, however, things will begin looking clearer, less hazy, and brighter.  your day to dance will come! 

keep writing, keep realizing, keep staying open to what will be best for you to keep moving.  movement is progress, even if sometimes we move backward.   you'll get there!  big hug to you!

[Blueberry]

It sounds as if sanmagic was able to give you an idea that you can work with. So that's good! Step by little step we progress and move forward.

I know all about feeling guilty about expressing anger or annoyance or even just setting a limit. But I do try to keep going setting limits in the present and expressing anger at current annoyances. That helps to not add to all the stuff out of the past and compound the trauma. It helps me to not continue to feel like a victim. The more I practise doing it and not feeling guilty, the easier it gets. It can help to tell somebody, like post it here and we'll cheer for you!

I posted before that you might have another feeling under your anger, I wondered about pain. You write yourself in your second post that it's fear behind or mixed in with your anger issues. Based on my experience, I'd say be really careful and go slowly. I don't know if you have a therapist at the moment or are looking for one? You don't have to answer that! I think a therapist who really understood C-PTSD issues could help you through this. If you get enough ideas and support here in the forum, that's great! I'd be really happy for you. But it sounds more like a problem where a good therapist would be helpful. 

All the best with it. And keep posting if you want. I'm sure more people than me would like to hear how you're doing with this topic.

[hurtbeat]

Entropic:  I've been reading and writing a lot about CPTSD now in order to try and figure out my mess of tangled emotions.
I've also asked a psychologist to refer me to a centre that specialises in PTSD and told me that they also were familiar with CPTSD when I emailed them.
Still waiting for their response but it's early days yet.

Though I guess I tend to obsess a bit and have constantly been thinking about coping with CPTSD and how to manage, now I'm depressed again because of it.
Probably because of perfectionism that tells me that if I don't concentrate enough on resolving my CPTSD then I have failed and I am a failure and now I hate myself instead.

So I suppose I actually need to step back a bit for now, luckily I got plans this weekend and will meet up with friends for quality time that I am comfortable with.
Hopefully this will take my mind off my ruminations over CPTSD and bring some simple joy into my adrenalised system.

I guess that what I tried to say when I wrote that I wait for the day when everything will get better is that it is a fantasy that keeps me going whether I have a treatment in mind or not.
For some time there wasn't much for me to do since I didn't know about CPTSD and the only therapy available didn't work for me, I had to wait and do research in order to figure out what I needed.

I've been through many diagnoses and tried to apply them to me and get whatever treatment they had to offer, I've taken medicine against bipolar disease and ADHD but it wasn't for me.

I don't know... trying isn't always enough.
Inner critic is screaming at me right now so I'm going to go lie down for a bit now.

[hurtbeat]

I guess that's my problem, my perfectionism turns my anger towards myself.
I don't really have bad feelings against anyone except myself, so if I were to write my anger down then I would write an essay on my flaws and why I should punish myself.

I know I tried to define what others did wrong but the anger is always, always directed at me.

[hurtbeat]

Ok, I wrote about my self hatred and it turned into sadness because I had to grow up so fast and hold my family together.
It didn't turn into a suicide letter as I had expected.

Thanks for your advice sanmagic

I will continue to write about my self hatred that isn't actually self hatred.

[Entropic]

Did you try cbt to deal with the critic? Saying no to it etc, no I won't let you beat me up again.

Again I don't struggle much with an inner critic because my psyche is very dominated by an outer one, but one step to dealing with the inner critic is to say no.

[sanmagic7]

hey, hurtbeat, i think that's a big realization that you pulled out of the hat - that the self-hatred you're writing about isn't really self-hatred at all!  that's a big step, to my mind.  i hope you enjoy your weekend, get away from all this for a bit.  when you do decide to get back to writing, hopefully you'll find more pos. surprises for yourself - like where that hatred really belongs, etc.  well done!  big hug to you.

[hurtbeat]

Thanks for the recognition san! ^^ <3
I think this is a breakthrough myself actually as I never had any way of venting my deepest anger before.

Entropic: I am actually pretty good at turning the critics words around though not always in stressful situations when I drown in EF's.
I hope that you will manage to get away from your critic soon and make the best out of your situation as well!