Identity Craziness - and ideas for finding/making yourself

Started by writetolife, March 03, 2017, 03:53:15 AM

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writetolife

Hello lovely people,

I've heard people talk about how CPTSD can lead to "identity erosion," but for me, I've spent my entire life in a stifling, abusive environment, so I don't know if I ever formed much of an identity to erode.  Though, at moments, I get glimpses of who I am.  At other moments, I have trouble even knowing what kinds of movies and music I like.   

For those of you who have had or currently have identities issues, how have you gone about figuring out who you are?  For me, written journaling tends to trigger a lot of EFs, so that is often more painful than helpful, but do you know of any guided art journal prompts?  But also, any suggestions for just figuring what I actually like?

Thanks.

Entropic

Hi,

I think identity comes in many different shapes and forms. I for example have an easy time formulating my likes/dislikes (especially dislikes), I always felt I knew who I was in the sense that I knew where I began and ended etc. because I always felt like I had a strong sense of boundaries even though it was pounded into me to not assert them during a certain portion of my life which made it really difficult for me to do that no matter how much I wanted to but that eventually disappeared. I also understand my intrinsic value and what I am worth in relation to other people (generally speaking), and I am aware of my own capabilities/competencies, but I don't feel like I know who I am in terms of my history. I don't feel like I have a cohesive narrative of myself as a person. No idea how to explain that in a way that makes sense to someone else unless you already know what I mean.

For me, specifically, I think it stems out of the fact that I have a lot of "lost" memories. I don't remember much of my past and my childhood and whatever things I remember are not recalled with the same strength and vividness like I could a memory from last week, but they all feel hazy and dream-like as if I am not sure if they really happened or not. This is likely a result of heavy dissociation during the events of these memories, but I am not sure. I also don't tend to have any emotions attached or associated with them, which adds to their sense of surreality. My lack of memories is related to my emotional repression and my sense of feeling internally numb and just oblivious and unaware of my own feeling states and as a result, I feel as if my existence is separated into different fragments that do not meld into one cohesive unit. During my session with my therapist yesterday, it really sucked to admit how much denial I was in because it would be easier to keep denying.

I suppose from a purely psychological perspective, what I am trying to express is that I have not been able to integrate my inner child, teenager, adult, elder etc. into one unified experience. In particular, I think I have a strong repression of my inner child with an over-emphasis on my adult self and this sense of adult self emerged very early on when I realized I had to learn to take care of myself because no one else would. And from there it feels like as if you lost something, something precious and innocent and you keep searching for it in order to feel complete.

I'm fiction I'm thinking about the kinds of stories we see where someone that had to go through a lot of great pain which results in the person (sometimes literally) splitting into two people, one good side and one bad side. The good side tends to be in the form of an innocent child whereas the bad side remains in the real world and grows up into an adult. So there's a sense of feeling like you lost something there, lost your childhood or your innocence or whatever, and this to me, at least makes me feel like I don't know who I am. I know what I do, I know what I can do and cannot do etc. and I strongly identify with my actions which leads me to have a lot of integrity because I always stand for what I do and say, but if you take away these things from me, I don't know who I am. I can say I stand up for a certain cause, it's important to me, but it's like standing up for this cause is more like a replacement for something in the inner realms of my being I don't feel like I have anymore. An inner child or what have you.

Maybe I am not making a whole lot of sense, I don't know. But this is how I experience it, anyway.

Whobuddy

I think I can identify with what you write. I have been writing out my pain and experiences for about 15 years now and I have come to the realization that I could probably continue on with this indefinitely. I totally understand getting triggered when writing about it all. I have come to believe that is an important part of the process. And it is a process. A long one. When I get triggered, I stop and sit with the feelings. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I figure something out, sometimes the feelings just linger.

Like you, I didn't develop enough identity to erode. I thought that through my writing I would uncover a shiny golden child under the debris but no, there is no one there because no one developed just survival strategies and pain. But recently, I discovered two things that feel are very important steps to getting somewhere. (don't know where just yet) I discovered that I developed ptsd as an infant and have lived my life as if in a battlefield. The other discovery is that I developed the belief that I have no right to exist in this world at a very early age. It seems like these are the fundamental issues that shaped me and now that I know I can start to build myself and perhaps develop an identity that is mine and not simple a reaction to circumstances.

Sometimes figuring out your identity begins by finding out what movies or music you don't like. That could lead you to come across something you like a little bit or perhaps a lot. Be kind to yourself in this process. Be patient, it takes time.

I am glad you started this thread, I hope many others weigh in.

sanmagic7

hey,

for many years i had no sense of 'self'.  it was if i was floating through the world in a bubble.  i've learned just lately that i have alexithymia, where there is a disconnect in the brain from emotions.   i really didn't have a sense of how i felt, couldn't put words to feelings, just floated through life.  i had no sense of future, hope, expectations or anything else for myself.  that had all been shaped by others, some in childhood, some in adulthood.

establishing a sense of who i am (i now know) has been a process lasting years.  some of it came from remembering and recognizing times of feeling 'good' - such as my time as a hippie chick and the music and messages of that era.  i identify with that strongly to this day.  feeling independent and with a free spirit also felt 'good' (i can't say it made me happy because i've only been able to feel the emotion 'happy' in the past month), and i collected that feeling and kept note of it.

having to live with expectations, especially rigid rules, didn't feel 'good' to me, and i've never liked having to perform, be, or work under such conditions.  i've worked hard to get out from under the strict and unrealistic expectations put on me by my father.  negativity, especially hate toward others, or anger for anger's sake (without a legitimate reason) didn't feel 'good' to me.  both were extremely distressing to me.  of course, i never got angry until finding my way into recovery and discovered i'd stored a whole ton of it in my body.  i've even now felt hate toward others who have hurt me, but i know that came from my inner child who was never allowed to say that word or express that emotion (kids are so black and white - normally, they love you if you do something they want, or they hate you if they don't.  they don't have the maturity till later to get into the gray areas of emotions.)

so, little by little, sorting through experiences, i've discovered most of who i really am.  it does take time and observation.  it's a journey that has been worth it.  my best to all of you who are struggling with this.  i haven't got all my emotions in place yet, still working on that.  i'm happy to have gotten this far.