Anger and Resentment

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jdcooper

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Anger and Resentment
« on: March 03, 2017, 02:35:41 PM »
I have done a lot of grieving.  I mean heart wrenching, deep primal sobbing for a couple of months.  Now I am in anger and resentment.  I AM SO ANGRY.  I spent my adulthood in a career that I wasn't suited for (attorney).  Now I am starting over.  I am going into the medical field and in school and volunteering at a hospital in the hopes of having something to put on a resume.  My Volunteer coordinator treats me like a high schooler.  She micromanages the simplest tasks, for example-I am busy restocking the servers for the nurses.
Her: How are you doing?  Do you have enough supplies?
Me:  Yeah I think so
Her:  Are you restocking the paperbags?
Me:  Yes
Her:  Pointing to the fact that there is only one paperbag left-what about those?
Me:  Oh yes ok

She notices the littlest detail of what I am doing and if its wrong in her eyes, nitpicks - constantly.

I was and still am an attorney and I am being micromanaged to this degree as if I were an inept teenager.

I don't want to just quit; I have already tried a couple different volunteer opportunities worse than this.

She doesn't know I was an attorney.  I feel like I will be judged if anyone knows I am starting completely over. (Shame perhaps?)

How can I be more assertive so I don't feel so resentful of people treating me like this.  I am used to automatic respect from people. 

Today I have to go in and am feeling on the verge of tears, extreme anger and like I just want to explode?  I feel like the stage in recovery I am in is affecting me so I am furious over these little details of my life.

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jdcooper

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Re: Anger and Resentment
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2017, 03:03:50 PM »
I just finished pounding pillows on my bed and am still enraged so I am not going in today; I am afraid of what I will do.  I have to get this rage out.  I purchased a punching bag a while ago and just need the gloves.  I need to get them this weekend and just start pounding away at this.  It's all just so * unfair.  Why did my Dad have to unleash his evil on me?  Why me?  Why is he living his life just fine and mine is falling apart?  Why Why this is so * unfair.  I was a * innocent child and did not deserve this-he chose me as his personal * punching bag and taught my sisters how to do the same.

How did you all deal with this ANGER?

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Max

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Re: Anger and Resentment
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2017, 04:16:43 PM »
Hello jd,
I haven't been posting much because of my own 'stuff' I'm trying to sort out.  I'm always afraid that I won't express myself correctly, not wanting to cause pain and end up questioning everything I write.   But I read your post and your pain and frustration really got my attention.  I am near your age, had difficulty and left my career after years of investing toward it.  I thought about doing something different and after years, I am still thinking about it.... Unlike you, who have jumped right in which is very admirable.  That cannot be easy and takes much courage.  Kudos to you. I would do the same about not sharing with them more information then necessary, because it seems the majority of people have been socialized to compare and judge vs live and love one another.

I too am healing from my past.  Having previously stuffed all emotions down while being the strong soldier, I have learned and realized that healing is getting it all out.  A big step in the right direction.  Unfortunately, for me that has meant my emotions are very backlogged and all over the place.  I avoided certain people who abused me because they are so old now.   If I were to be around them, it most definitely would have come out, and if it caused them pain or illness, it would have been just more guilt for me to live with.  Definitely sharing it with my counselor helped, but even alone, for myself what started as anger ended up with a good long cry.  Those cries are long overdue and helped so much. 

Feeling any emotion was new to me but a good sign for me too.  Those emotions were never meant to be ignored at the time the abuse took place.  This is probably not very helpful with all you are dealing with but know that others here can relate, understand and would help you through if we could.  Please take care and don't be so hard on yourself.  :hug:   

   

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jdcooper

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Re: Anger and Resentment
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2017, 04:30:23 PM »
Thank you Max, for listening and caring.  Luckily I have a supportive husband and therapist.  I was just complaining to my therapist that I couldn't feel the anger and here I am feeling the anger.  Its all good!  Jumping into a new career is not easy.  It makes me feel hopeless, angry, bitter, resentful. But these are all just feelings.  And the more I release the better I feel. 

Anger is just one emotion that is particularly overwhelming to me.  I can do sadness really really well and feel lots of self compassion-but anger-it just brings out the vile inner critic in me like crazy.  So I do thank you for telling me not to be hard on myself.  Thats what I needed to hear. :hug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: Anger and Resentment
« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2017, 04:47:05 PM »
o jd, i can so relate to your tale of being treated like a lowly newbie who has no smarts or experience in anything.  one summer, while working on my master's degree (i had already been a hairstylist for many years, was also changing careers in midlife) i took a job delivering flowers.  not difficult, but those hoity-toities in huge mansions treated me like a servant, didn't want me to come to the front door, etc.  it was demeaning and humiliating, but i needed the money, like you need the experience. 

sometimes we have to grin and bear it, i think.  sometimes we have to quit.  it's a choice.  i guess it depends on what our priority is, what's important to us in the moment.  that's really all we have to go on, isn't it.

i'm glad you're punching.  i've done a fair bit of that myself, and it really helped get it out of me physically as well as emotionally.  i also did a lot of yelling and cussing at the same time.  being raised to be seen and not heard, making that noise has been very satisfying for me.  writing has also helped get the poison out of me, venting, not editing myself, but putting all the vile thoughts and resentments and rage that i had toward people down on paper.  for me, it was important that i hand write it - it was part of that physical release, i think.

so good to have support about you.  keep up the good work.  you're working through some really meaty stuff right now, and it does take effort.  big hug to you, and all support for whatever it takes to make you feel better.

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jdcooper

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Re: Anger and Resentment
« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2017, 05:10:23 PM »
Sanmagic,  Thank you, Thank you.  You must be an "angel" because I see all of your kind and thoughtful replies to so many others.  I am so grateful, so very grateful to people like you and Max who listen and empathasize.  I am crying because here I am and my husband and therapist are busy and there are people here who instantly reply to me and I am just overwhelmed with gratitude.  This is all so very difficult and so very necessary. 

It feels like walking up a very steep mountain and having to take breaks to rest and recover for the long journey ahead-not knowing if you will ever reach the top and see the beautiful view but you keep trying and hoping.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Anger and Resentment
« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2017, 09:28:42 PM »
i've shared your tears of gratitude for the people here many times, jd.   truly a godsend. 

i believe this mountain is surmountable, that as we keep moving, sharing, learning, working, trembling through the bad times and rejoicing through our victories, we will get to see that view at the top.  hang tough, jd - hangin' right beside you!