what the * do i do

[insanecrane1]

hey there, first day here.
so ive always had the so called "black dog". the day robin williams died, something clicked inside me, i dont know what, but i publicly declared on facebook my expieriences with depression. instead of helping it has driven me so deep inside a shell, i just cant get out.
i came on this site because i was googling answers, why when i go somewhere new, even just for a day, i come back with the accent of that place, why when i meet someone new i take on their musical, movie and food likes but if someone were to ask me my personnal prefference i can never deciede.
i will leave it there for now, i would like if anyone had an idea of how to help with this situation.
thanks for reading,
ruairi

[insanecrane1]

thanks very much for your reply bheart, yeah i really need to face counselling, posting on facebook and here is a lot easier than spilling all face to face with someone but i guess i need to face my demons.
thanks again,
ruairi

[Sandals]

Welcome, ruairi!

Finding myself is also a journey I'm on as part of self-love and acceptance. I'm happy that you're here and we can grow in this together.

About your reason to posting on depression, is it possible that you triggered some shame? Shame is a tricky one that keeps us locked in old behaviours. There are some very good posts here on shame.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi ruairi, pleased to meet you! Kudos to you for speaking up about depression. I watched a TED talk by Brené Brown yesterday (let's see if I can find the link... ah yes, here it is). She says that most of us think that vulnerability is a weakness - yet when we see someone be vulnerable, we think it's pure courage, and we admire them. And it's absolutely true. You had the courage to let yourself be seen. That's amazing.

...when i go somewhere new, even just for a day, i come back with the accent of that place...

Talent? At my university, I met lots of people where you could NEVER tell where they were truly from.

...when i meet someone new i take on their musical, movie and food likes but if someone were to ask me my personnal prefference i can never deciede.

Hah, I know that one. Yeah, me too. My family used to subtly shame me for things I liked that they didn't like, or things they liked that I hated, or things they did one way and I did them another way... I never thought my mother and I were particularly enmeshed, but she does have difficulty just accepting that I'm different, I'm not her. I learned that I, as I am, am subtly wrong. So no wonder I never bothered to assert my own likes and preferences too much. It would have just caused trouble.

Do you think that this could maybe be something worth investigating - this whole issue of enmeshment and emotional abuse? Another subject that might be worth looking into is codependency.

As for what helps... Let's see. One thing that changed a LOT for me was a simple exercize I read about. It's for people who've experienced CEN (childhood emotional neglect). CEN can leave you feeling empty and emotionally numb. So you then have to reconnect to your feelings. The exercize suggested buying a journal, and then writing down how you feel, three times a day.

Ah, one more thing: if you're a highly sensitive person, that might explain why you don't have STRONG opinions about things like music and so on. HSPs often take a long time to form an opinion, because they collect a lot of data first and look at the problem from all kinds of angles. But once the opinion is formed, it's nuanced and complex.

[keepfighting]

[...] why when i go somewhere new, even just for a day, i come back with the accent of that place, why when i meet someone new i take on their musical, movie and food likes but if someone were to ask me my personnal prefference i can never deciede.

Hi, insanecrane1 and welcome to the forum! 

You'll find that many of us here have difficulties in figuring out what our personal preferences are, too. In the 'cafe' section of this forum there are several threads about this - trying to figure out what we like to drink/eat, for example, or discussing what new activities and/or hobbies we are exploring etc. It sounds completely insane that a grown up should have difficulties in knowing their own mind - especially when it comes to the simple things like taste in food or music - but there it is. You're definitely not alone in this. 

Frankly, I think this is the only 'fun' part about CPTSD: Figuring out who you are and allowing your (authentic) self to grow and enjoy the nice things in life.

I'm glad you found this place and wish you grace and healing on your journey. 

kf

[Rain]

Hi ruairi,

Welcome to OOTS, and a  for you!

We know what it is like in many ways what you said.   We will be here when your are ready to heal!

Be gentle with your Self until then!

Rain

[Des]

Hi Insanecrane1,

I think you will find a big welcome here and I totally get what you are saying about difficulty with personal preferences (bizarrely I have only realised thus now, reading your post, so thank you)

Des