silent treatment

[mourningdove]

They did this to me throughout my childhood. I remember following them around begging them to talk to me and being ignored. They would never give in and acknowledge my existence until I was crying and begging, promising anything. When they did relent, it was cold and conditional. Still no warmth, but the chance of warmth in the future if I could only be what they wanted, even though it was never clear how to do that. I was literally taught not to have boundaries.

Looking back, the warmth itself was always fake, at least for my mom. For my dad it was real, but it would always go too far, until it inevitably swung back to hate again. But it was all that I knew, and I had no one else. It's hard to express the feeling of desperation that I would get when they gave me the silent treatment. It felt like I could die. And as I'm writing this, I realize that that makes total sense because children will in fact die if they are abandoned by their parents.

I'm thinking about it now because my mother's manipulations caused me to have an EF a little while ago, and I realized that it really kicked into high gear AFTER I stuck up for myself. It's so sad to think that there is a part of me that still feels terror at the possibility of being abandoned by her. The more grown up parts of myself know now that there is nothing there to connect with anyway.

[Blueberry]

Hi Mourningdove,
Sorry you've been dealing with FOO manipulations, especially that the EF really got going after you stuck up for yourself. But still: Congratulations for sticking up for yourself! Especially if part of you is still terrified of abandonment. I think that is just part of our symptoms / part of the illness isn't it? Part(s) of us still being terrified, I mean.
I feel for you.

[sanmagic7]

i've learned that the silent treatment is one of the cruelest emotional abuses there is.  to deny your existence from the people you rely on for your safety and well-being - how horrible is that!  there are cultures that use that, called shunning, when someone has done something so unspeakably wrong that the rest of the people will shut that person out.  that is their punishment - they are thrown out of the warmth and safety of their community to fend for themselves, no longer acknowledged as 'being'.

to do that to a child is unspeakably horrendous to me.  i'm so sorry you had to go through that.  keep hanging on to those grown-up parts of yourself.  they are absolutely correct, to my mind.  my narc daughter has done that silent treatment to me, sometimes for years, and it was when i realized that i had lost her a long time ago that i became less afraid of losing her again.  it helped to see it that way.  there really wasn't anything to lose.

i have since gone nc with that daughter.  it has been one of the most heartbreaking and at the same time one of the most liberating things i've done for myself in my entire life.  what a relief.  2 yrs. and counting.  the idea that i could react in such an emotionally out-of-control way at her whim has reaffirmed that i made the right decision.  she's brought me to my knees on several occasions, and the last time i almost didn't get up.  it still scares me to think that i may someday have to deal with her for some reason, but the day-to-day fear and emotional whiplash are gone.  thank you to the powers that be.

this family stuff is the worst.  my heart goes out to you.  take it slow, step by step.  you'll get to where you need to go.  big hug.

[Candid]

there are cultures that use that, called shunning, when someone has done something so unspeakably wrong that the rest of the people will shut that person out.  that is their punishment - they are thrown out of the warmth and safety of their community to fend for themselves, no longer acknowledged as 'being'.

My understanding is that's a death sentence in those cultures. I can understand from experience why.

I remember following them around begging them to talk to me and being ignored.

I feel very sad for that little girl, mourningdove. 

It's hard to express the feeling of desperation that I would get when they gave me the silent treatment. It felt like I could die. And as I'm writing this, I realize that that makes total sense because children will in fact die if they are abandoned by their parents.

Yes, indeed.

I'm thinking about it now because my mother's manipulations caused me to have an EF a little while ago, and I realized that it really kicked into high gear AFTER I stuck up for myself.

Yes, I had that experience myself. Mother forced me to tell her why I wasn't visiting her and F, and I told her what my first therapist had made explicit to me. Cue narcissistic rage that didn't abate until she and my siblings finally abandoned me altogether.

Have you considered NC, mourningdove? I have to say loss of FOO has left a huge hole in my life, and I feel immense grief over them that naturally no one understands.

Come to think of it, being forced to tell her doesn't equate to standing up for myself. I echo Blueberry's congratulations for doing that.

I'm NC because it was Their decision. I might feel better about it if I'd done it myself, having My Say on the way out.