Realisation - possibly TRIGGER

[Blueberry]

I finally had a shower and washed my hair yesterday, as I've posted elsewhere.

It wasn't till the evening and I was reading back in my diary that in a similar phase in the fall (real problems with self-care and especially showering - just the thought of it - was really exhausting, plus just staying in bed or if out of bed then eating unhealthily/too much, self-injury etc etc)  I realised it was mixed up with CSA which we'd briefly touched on in therapy. Then I sank all the memories, my explanations, T's remarks, the work we'd done on it... into a bank vault. And I really forgot that we'd ever touched on the topic. 
So the realisation: something similar has been going on this past week too. I don't even remember if the CSA topic came up again in my mind. Being forgetful can be quite useful at times.    Oh, yeah, it did come up, I was thinking it's maybe time I got onto this topic in T since I don't have many hours left.
So I've been in an EF which I can sort of function in but which makes the simplest sounding activities really difficult. Also self-motivation really hard. This realisation helps me not be so hard on myself, so critical.

CSA is the one topic where I still dissociate when I just think of it. I haven't admitted to myself, acknowledged how devastating it has been. It wasn't as bad as most people had. I could've misunderstood something.      Though I didn't of course. The body keeps the score. I haven't even read that book, but the title is very apt.

I'm grateful I have a place to write this.

[sanmagic7]

congrats, blueberry, on the shower and clean hair!  a great step!

yes, it sounds like it might be time to bring up that hidden and forbidden subject with your t.  you are worth cleaning that poison out of you - it's been festering and molding inside for so long, and hurting you terribly as it does so.  in therapy, you will also find the answers to your confusions, denials, and maybe's.  as it is said, the truth will set you free.  big hug to you.  you so deserve to be free of these demons that have been haunting you.  standing right beside you.  big hug.

[Blueberry]

Thanks a lot sanmagic!

I'm just so ashamed of the whole topic that it's really hard to talk about it, though I have before in other therapies. Oh I just remembered that we've been working at the topic from an oblique angle on and off for weeks actually. Not really mentioning it but seeing how much I can feel the physical presence of my body on the chair etc. without me dissociating, going numb etc. And actually I'm doing really well. Just as well my T keeps track of what's going on.    It is his job of course.

[sanmagic7]

keep up the good work!  oblique angles are often times the best approach.  with you all the way.

[Blueberry]

So the realisation: something similar has been going on this past week too.

And this week too! It's 3 months later and I'm much further on. Even though I haven't showered and washed my hair. Yikes. Maybe tomorrow.
But in other ways: I'm talking and posting about the sexual abuse much more openly. I recently had that big breakthrough where I turned the self-hate I felt due to my childhood coping mechanism into a feeling of acceptance and even liking of my own body especially aspects of it that FOO really criticise / find appalling / did lots of body-shaming on.

That I'm talking more openly (eg in T) and posting more are signs for me that I'm no longer feeling so ashamed and am no longer protecting FOO as much. OK so recently I felt 'guilty' again - I guess that's to be expected. The Empire Strikes Back. Healing doesn't come that easy, but it does come!

I note now that I'm sitting completely upright again. I have backbone, strength in my posture, as opposed to when I started this post. My T teaches me to be very aware of posture and body feeling and how it changes according to what I say / think / write. So here I am noticing.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you're making some major progress with this, dear blueberry.  being able to turn that hatred outward is so positive.  by the by, and i don't doubt you've heard this before, you have nothing to be ashamed about.  it was done to you, not by you, no matter what the circumstances or your thought processes at the time.  it's not on you, sweetie, not one bit.

keep going - you're really doing great.  that body awareness is pretty cool.  i hope you keep it up.  you truly do have backbone and a strong spine on many levels - tackling this stuff is an indication of that.  big hug.

[Blueberry]

Thank you sanmagic 
I remember being criticised by extended FOO (grandmother) for not having enough or even any backbone. It turns out more and more that the characteristics I was criticised for not having, I actually have quite a lot of. Dysfunctional families are very weird.

I had a eureka moment a few weeks back in T when I realised for the first time on an emotional level, instead of just cognitive: that's not my shame it's theirs, they did it! My body never actually reacted 'well' to it. I never had the conflicting emotions of: was it really abuse since my body had a sexual reaction? That's good I assume, as in one less layer to work through. But the shame, yes, that's there. A bit less maybe now, but my experience is that it takes a while for a feeling to be worked through and heal.

[sanmagic7]

weird, indeed!  that would make sense, tho.  too much backbone and you're harder to handle, to manipulate.  so, try to make you believe you don't have the strength and fortitude that you actually possess, and you'll be more passive.  ugh!   

[Blueberry]

that would make sense, tho.  too much backbone and you're harder to handle, to manipulate.  so, try to make you believe you don't have the strength and fortitude that you actually possess, and you'll be more passive. 

Thanks for giving me this take on it. You're probably right. Emotional/psychological abuse seems to often be about that type of thing. The abusers need somebody to abuse, and that's not going to work so well if the abused start rebelling, is it?

[sanmagic7]

not for a minute!