all my memories: I'm watching myself, not in the body

[Coco]

In all my flashbacks and memories of childhood, I am outside of myself watching myself.

Does this indicate that I was dissociated at the time?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts 

[woodsgnome]

Mine can go either way, it seems. And dissociation can even seem good when that happens.  The worst can be when I don't dissociate; sometimes the associated physical symptoms seem too powerful to keep, even in memory, at a dissociative level. If this happens, I'm in for a rough ride--triggering asthmatic-like symptoms, among others, in the process

As to dissociation at the time, yes I recognize that it did happen--in my case I was sometimes lucky to escape with what I call counter-thoughts as deflections, but far from always, and usually not wholly successful. This is hard to describe without being graphic, but in the mental battle to survive, short of outright dissociation/numbness my coping seemed drawn from several levels of desperation. I guess I'm grateful for having enough fight to have survived no matter what form it took.

It was tiring then, and is so even now in memory, as in right now I'm experiencing a huge drag on the energy to even type this. Don't know if that helped with your question; just my experience.

[joyful]

I'd never learned about dissociation until last year, but when I did I realized that I spent most of my life in a dissociated state. I don't feel like I'm watching myself or like outside my body in the moment, but a lot of my memories are from that perspective if that makes sense.

[Fightsong]

yes i know what you mean. sometimes I don't know if i have memories or they are things someone told me happened. Or something I heard that i integrated into my 'memory'. Its troubling isnt it? I'm not sure if the  'watching' yourself is more significant or not - like does it mean it was worse that time?? I'm not sure. If I look back I'm pretty sure I was checked out much of the time.  I have learned that the feelings that come up are the meaningful thing. Good luck!

[A_Girl_You_Dont_Know]

The majority of my childhood memories are from outside myself and I've always been curious about it too. Not all though which makes me think I was disassociated during memories I can see myself.

[Rooter Soho]

Coco,

Same here. I kind of remember being in the moment during events, but all of my memories are of me looking at myself. I've even tried to remember them from inside and I have a very hard time.

I don't think it means you were dissociated then; it could mean we've dissociated since. Maybe the incidents are too hard for the brain to process? I'd like to find out more about this too.

[Wishing Well]

I was the kid that was always feeling outside myself or definitely observing from a distance.  Life felt safer that way. I am an artist, so some of that comes naturally.  It really is a protective instinct and we should respect that, even if I tend to criticize myself for that behavior.  Sometimes, I just go somewhere else in my head if my mom is saying something awful, in order to process how i can survive it.