Does your CPTSD go into a kind of remission in cycles?

[Inky]

Oh Coco, your original post in this thread managed to identify something I've never been able to pinpoint! What a relief! I was lost, running away from myself until about 21 years old. Then I had this long productive spurt where I was doing well at work and loving my personal life. There were still issues (one time right before I moved to a new apartment I woke up every night at 3 am positive someone was going to attack me in my room. I had three roommates who would wake up if there was an intruder. The apartment had always been a fun, safe space. I locked my bedroom door on top of all the other locks in the house. But every night I would wake. It stopped once I moved to the new apartment.)

Then suddenly at 40 years old everything just went to heck. I share your issues with showering and housework. Every day I'll tell myself I'm going to shower. I'll set an hour when I'm supposed to jump in, then that hour goes by and I set a new hour, and that will go by too. You're right that it is an internal war. Usually I end up on my iPad, with the tv on, disassociating and trying to mentally hide from any bad feeling that might crop up. I have no distractions in the shower - it's just me. It's not safe, much like right before I fall asleep. I started sleeping with the tv on when I was younger so I could avoid being alone with my brain. Then tv wasn't enough so I started taking Benadryl every night too. 20 years later, that's still what I do to get to sleep - keep the tv on and gulp down Benadryl every night. And it can't just be any show because of course so many are triggering. I have a handful of approved shows. It's all so, so much work.

I have a therapist I like who specializes in internal family systems (by the way, your explanation of the different parts etc. is amazing - much easier to understand than some others.) She diagnosed me with cptsd. I am lucky that I found someone to help me but it is still so hard. So glad I found you guys.

[jdcooper]

I keep thinking I am getting better and having some good days and then boom I hit something else and I am grieving and crying again.  Its like one step forward, two steps back.   It does feel like different pieces of the puzzle are coming together and a clearer picture of my life story is emerging.   I am realizing how very damaging my foo was to me and it hurts like crazy that I continued to allow it to happen for years. 

Lately I haven't been sleeping.  When I don't sleep my inner critic goes in over drive about trivial stuff.  I'm in school and my teacher criticized a couple answers on a test today, that she said I should not have missed, and said that, had I read the discussion board, I wouldn't have made those mistakes.  I saw her as berating me and just kept hearing in my mind what a complete failure I am.  I can't stand what this inner critic is doing to me. I never used to be this hard on myself.  Its like this looking inward phase is causing all the dysfunctional parts in me to surface in ways that are stronger than before. 

I was high functioning for a very long time, not realizing I was stuffing things and retraumatizing myself by being around my foo.  I hit a really stressful time in my life two years ago that has forced me to deal with it all.  I got very depressed and became very numb. Since starting therapy about 9 months ago,  I can't stop crying.  I do think its better to be able to cry and feel something than go back to being completely numb.  I just wish I knew how long this is all going to last.

[Oakridge]

I totally get this discussion. I am having good days and more of them, but when i crash again it's almost more cruel than before i was diagnosed with CPTSD. So i am also struggling  to find the positive when i am having a bad episode.

[Oakridge]

I do have a question. After these bouts of CPTSD cycle past, how do you all deal with the potential embarrassment from things you may have said or done during the bout?