It recently dawned on me ... it was a lie, just another delusion.

[Absent]

Hello everyone,

I've been having a really difficult time lately and just wanted to share something, and I've been writing and re-writing this for about two hours, It started as one thing and now it's completely different. But I have no one I can share this with and I think this is the most appropriate place. I think I am in self-pity mood.

I think I should also add the following, though not what part of what I wanted to post.
I didn't know I suffer from depression until I was diagnosed about 4 years ago, I quickly came to realize I had a lot of anxiety. Shortly after, I started thinking about my childhood and re-evaluating it. This process has been going on a while. I started to suspect I may have been abused, but when such thoughts appear I would usually try to find a way to discard them. I read a lot on different diagnoses, that I thought could fit me, but ultimately did not feel like the right fit for me - such as BPD, ADD, Aspergers and few others. Now I am at a place where I can at least online say - I was emotionally abused and neglected and I believe I suffer from cPTSD. I was controlled and ignored (it sound contradictory I know).  My upbringing affected me in a way that made me incapable of loving and receiving love, enjoying many simple things, or even trying to build a life.  I feel like my carer stole my heart, motivation and life, and all I have left is the pain.


When I was at the age of 10 or 11 I had a calcium deficiency. On the x-ray my bones were transparent. My main carer at the time bored into my head that the deficiency was caused from me growing up too quickly (I was slightly taller than the other girls). And she believed that. And why would I not believe the person that I love the most?

At the end of last year (two decades later, and after many years suppressing my memories) I had a 'light-bulb moment' - I did not have a medical issue due to me growing up too fast - I was simply malnourished. And I am so so very angry and sad about that! This was just one of the many things I got blamed for instead of her taking responsibility. Apart from that school year where I was stuffed with two eggs each morning to get the calcium I need, I was never given breakfast, and even if I knew breakfast is the norm, my priority in the mornings was to get out of the house without being seen (which meant avoiding the kitchen) as to not cause any outbursts of anger. That meant also no food at school, at best I would have a meal a day at dinner. I was often hungry, though I can't say starved. But in her eyes the reason for this was me growing up (dare I say with the same rate as other kids) that was the reason for my calcium deficiency (and at the time not diagnosed anemia), not the lack of her care for me.

Was this calcium deficiency a bad thing? Was it abusive? No. Apart from the pain in my legs it did not affect me really. I would happily continued to live with it if it mean not having more attention on me. But the cause of it I believe is abusive. This should not have happened. I did not deserve it. Someone should have helped me. There were witnesses. They are guilty too. It's not just the food thing. There is more, but this is all I wanted to share tonight. Even now the doubt creeps in me - did I over react? Did I imagine? Was it as bad? I don't know. I only know how I feel....

[mourningdove]

Absent, I am very angry and sad that you didn't get the nourishment you needed. You deserved to get enough calcium, and your carer should have made sure that you did. That's among the most basic of responsibilities of someone who is responsible for looking after a child. So I don't think you are overreacting at all. You deserved to have a healthy peaceful breakfast every day.

[Blueberry]

Absent, your childhood sounds terrible.  Feeding your child enough nourishing food is an absolute basic. Except in extenuating circumstances like war and famine, but even then most parents do try their absolute best to feed their children properly. Any way doesn't sound BTL as if these extenuating circumstances existed in your childhood.

I'm sure you did not overreact. We C-PTSDers tend to under-react and under-acknowledge our suffering past and present. Your post makes me very sad. I suppose I'm angry too and this comes out in my words "terrible childhood", I just don't feel the anger, but I think it's there. So I'll add 

Thanks for sharing. If you like,  from me.
Keep on posting when you feel ready.

[joyful]

Absent, I'm so sorry. I'm so sad for you. I agree with Blueberry, we've been trained and conditioned for as long as we can remember that our feelings don't matter, that any feelings that do get through the fortresses we've built around ourselves are overdramatic, so we build our walls stronger. You are not being overdramatic. It is okay and good to mourn and grieve those losses. It's ok to trust your gut and your hurts. If something was hurtful to YOU, that's all that matters. It doesn't matter how anyone else would have reacted. You are absolutely right, you did not deserve it and someone should have helped you.
Take care of yourself  we're here for you

[Absent]

I really appreciate you all taking the time to read my post and reply. I know it's not easy sometimes and can be triggering, but i have to say - you guys made me tear up in a good way.  back from me.

Keep on posting when you feel ready.

I think I just might do that.

[sanmagic7]

hey, absent,

if i may disagree with you in the most caring and concerned way, i think that the calcium deficiency from lack of nourishment was abusive and it did hurt you in many ways (not having breakfast because you were scared to go into the kitchen in the morning, not having a lunch prepared for you, your legs hurting, that fear that you lived with on a daily basis, the lies you believed and responded to by feeling bad about yourself as if growing up was a bad thing - it's a laundry list of hurts and abuses, to my mind.

what a horrible way to have a childhood.  yes, i'm angry at what you had to endure, including the self-blame (you grew up too fast?  balderdash!).  you are not overreacting, not being too sensitive, not being overly dramatic or any of those other things we take upon ourselves because that's what we were taught to do.  i hope you are now nourishing yourself properly, and those physical issues are a thing of the past.

your feelings are valid and valuable indicators of information from which you can learn.  you are quite brave, absent, and another survivor.  take strength from that.  you deserve every good thing that comes your way.  i hope you keep posting, too, if it helps.  big hug from me.

[Absent]

hey, absent,

if i may disagree with you in the most caring and concerned way....

Sanmagic thank you for the reply. It's very insightful and I agree with you. In fact I know what you say is true, but sometimes hearing it from others is more helpful and reassuring than just saying it to yourself.
I did read it shortly after posting so apologies for not replying. I wanted to say something but I tend to distance myself from my problems. My brain sometimes becomes paralyzed and I just cannot come up with an answer, but I did appreciate you taking the time to reply. I really wish this website had an option to "like/give-thanks" to a reply.

[Absent]

I've decided to do another post. I did wonder if I should post in journaling, but I'm not sure these posts are related to recovery.


"The chaos"
My upbringing was not very stable. I was passed between two carers a lot for the first 8 years of my life (my M and my Gran). I think at some point my Gran who I was attached to decided that if she is not my mom and not going to look after all the time me she can shut herself out from me. So after one of the transitions from living with my Gran to living with my M, my Gran just became this cold person that no longer loved me. That is how it was in the eyes of the child I was. Not only that but she had given me to this monster that treated me badly. It took me a decade to realize this is why I hated my Gran. Not only that but later on my Gran would claim I was taking drugs and that is why I was behaving the way I was. In addition my M would start saying things like "You are out of control" (as what you do with kids is control them), "You scare me" (when I was scared of her and simply acting out). I was the monster it seems. She was scared - so I acted scary. She shouted - I shouted back. But acting scary did not set me free. If M was having a bad night and not sleeping - I wouldn't sleep as well. If she was feeling she would tell me everything about it and make me feel * as well. She would talk for me as if she knows every thought I have, she would victimize me, and not once would she ask me and show interest in me. She would feel my head with her thoughts and believes and I believed them. She would tell me how Gran was bad because of this and that and I would go and take it out on Gran. Now I see I thought if I did that I would help, solve the problem and make everything better. But it only got worst. I was an unconscious participant in this abusive dynamic. I was dragged into it and fed into it. And when I tried to stay way, when I would dissociate I would be dragged back (sometimes literally) and shouted at. Of course I would be told everything about how bad I am, what I am doing, why I am doing it and how I am feeling.

"My Childhood Delusions"
When I was 8 or 9 I started developing this feeling I was being observed. If I am watching TV I felt someone is watching me back through the TV. If I was in the loo I felt someone can see me through the shower head or the mirror. I knew this was not real but I felt it so real. So even when I was alone I would regulate the way I would act. Of course this was not something that would happen all the time.  However years later when I was a teenager this expanded into a bigger delusion. I thought everyone on the street was looking at me. Even worst - I felt everyone can hear my thoughts. So I would dress in black, bow my head and stair at the grown (I am tall so it was difficult being invisible) and regulate my thoughts. I knew this was impossible, but it felt real.
I did not connect both of these delusions until years later, and only recently I realized they have to do with the extend to which I was controlled and suppressed. To this day I think anger and shame are my biggest problems. I have no idea how to regulate my emotions because my Gran will simply shut hers out and my M (her daughter) went the other way - she would pour all her emotions out on me.

I've mostly have overcome these delusions, but it's funny how sometimes I will talk to someone and a thought (more of a  feeling) will creep in - that they can hear me, and while I know it is not true I will change my thought or if it is something I am ashamed of I will make it sound as a joke. As if I am not seriously thinking this shameful thing. It's rare but it happens.

I occasionally wonder if other people had delusions to overcome like me? Have you?

[Three Roses]

...even when I was alone I would regulate the way I would act...and only recently I realized they have to do with the extend to which I was controlled and suppressed. To this day I think anger and shame are my biggest problems.

This is exactly me. You are not alone!

[mourningdove]

Absent, I used to have (still have?) this feeling sometimes. Throughout my childhood, my parents would tell me that they knew what I was thinking. I was also taught that god and the devil and all the other characters were watching me all the time and could read my thoughts.

In addition my M would start saying things like "You are out of control" (as what you do with kids is control them), "You scare me" (when I was scared of her and simply acting out). I was the monster it seems. She was scared - so I acted scary. She shouted - I shouted back. But acting scary did not set me free. If M was having a bad night and not sleeping - I wouldn't sleep as well. If she was feeling she would tell me everything about it and make me feel * as well. She would talk for me as if she knows every thought I have, she would victimize me, and not once would she ask me and show interest in me.

This basically describes my early teens.

I think the "delusions" are normal and perfectly understandable in light of what you went through. I am sorry that you had such a horrible experience growing up.

[Blueberry]

Absent, I didn't cognitively think everybody on the street was looking at me but it was a constant deep down fear. It extended right on into adulthood and through my early years of therapy. Also the fear that I would be openly ridiculed on the street for my appearance, my existence really. I think it's jsut normal for what we all went through. C-PTSD, a normal, healthy reaction to an abnormal, unhealthy situation (i.e. parts of your and my childhood).

As a child and early teenager, I remember turning photos around so that the people in the photos couldn't see me. Though cognitively I know they couldn't. Does that sound similar?

[Absent]

As a child and early teenager, I remember turning photos around so that the people in the photos couldn't see me. Though cognitively I know they couldn't. Does that sound similar?

That sounds exactly like it.

Thank you all for replying. I appreciate you guys taking the time to read my post and as usual it brings me some consolation that I am not alone in the way I have experienced things.

[Blueberry]

Absent, it helps me too when I read other people's posts and something they do or say rings a bell so to speak.

[Healing Finally]

...even when I was alone I would regulate the way I would act...and only recently I realized they have to do with the extend to which I was controlled and suppressed. To this day I think anger and shame are my biggest problems.

This is exactly me. You are not alone!

This is me too!!  I catch myself acting as though I'm being watched, even when I'm ALONE.  I have thought this has to do with having critical parents, as it was very important to me to please my parents as a child (and grownup.)  I guess it's part of the c-ptsd?     When I notice I'm doing this, I ask myself "Why am I acting like someone is watching me?"  I wonder if it's my own internal perfectionism.  Now I have to ask myself, do I limit myself because I think someone is watching?  Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

Thanks for sharing!   

[joyful]

I had forgotten I did this until I read this post. I always thought that I was being watched through a vent in the ceiling when I was bathing.. (I can't take baths anymore. I know for lots of people they're relaxing, but bathtubs trigger me out of my mind)
Even now if I'm changing and my phone is on my bed I turn it over so the screen is facing down. I know that no one is watching me through it, but...for some reason I still do it.
Thanks for this post Absent  it really helped me